“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
“The more you read, the more things you will know.”
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
Contributions of Jane Wagner
Source: Many Moons
“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”
“If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh; otherwise they'll kill you.”
Credited to Shaw in the lead in to the mockumentary C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America (2004) and other recent works, but this or slight variants of it are also sometimes attributed to W. C. Fields, Charlie Chaplin, and Oscar Wilde. It might possibly be derived from Shaw's statement in John Bull's Other Island (1907): "My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world."
Another possibility is that it is derived from Shaw's characteristic of Mark Twain: "He has to put things in such a way as to make people who would otherwise hang him believe he is joking."
Variants:
If you are going to tell people the truth, you'd better make them laugh. Otherwise, they'll kill you.
If you're going to tell people the truth, you'd better make them laugh. Otherwise, they'll kill you.
Disputed
“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.”
An explanation of relativity which he gave to his secretary Helen Dukas to convey to non-scientists and reporters, as quoted in Best Quotes of '54, '55, l56 (1957) by James B. Simpson; also in Expandable Quotable Einstein (2005) edited by Alice Calaprice
William Hermanns recorded a series of four conversations he had with Einstein and published them in his book Einstein and the Poet (1983), quoting Einstein saying this variant in a 1948 conversation: "To simplify the concept of relativity, I always use the following example: if you sit with a girl on a garden bench and the moon is shining, then for you the hour will be a minute. However, if you sit on a hot stove, the minute will be an hour." ( p. 87 http://books.google.com/books?id=QXCyjj6T5ZUC&lpg=PP1&pg=PA87#v=onepage&q&f=false)
In the 1985 book Einstein in America, Jamie Sayen wrote "Einstein devised the following explanation for her [Helen Dukas] to give when asked to explain relativity: An hour sitting with a pretty girl on a park bench passes like a minute, but a minute sitting on a hot stove seems like an hour." ( p. 130 http://books.google.com/books?ei=yma3TsDWK8WciQL63smAAQ&ct=book-thumbnail&id=vs3aAAAAMAAJ&dq=sayen+%22einstein+in+america%22&q=pretty+girl#search_anchor)
Attributed in posthumous publications
Variant: When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
“I am not a member of any organized party — I am a Democrat.”
Variants: I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
Source: Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom (1935), Ch. 9 "Rogers was a lifelong Democrat but he studiously avoided partisanship. He contributed to the Democratic campaign funds, but at the same time he frequently appeared on benefit programs to raise money for the Republican treasury. Republican leaders sought his counsel in their campaigns as often as did the Democrats." ~ P. J. O'Brien
“If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?”
As quoted in W.T.F.? : (What Is Wrong With Tom Faerie?) (2006) by H. M. Leathem
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
Doin' It Again, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)
Context: I know that. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Some people are really fucking stupid. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll wind up with thirty or forty names by the end of the day. Think about this; think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.
They Call Me Tater Salad
Variant: I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Source: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability
"The Funny Side of 'Beowulf'", The Miami Herald, November 2, 1997.
Columns and articles
Variant: I always wanted to be something, but now I see I should have been more specific.
“Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops”
“Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.”
A Case of Hypochondria, Newsweek (6 July 1970).
“When I hear somebody sigh that "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"”
"Purely Personal Prejudices" http://books.google.com/books?id=DLcEAQAAIAAJ&q=%22When+I+hear+somebody+sigh+that+Life+is+hard+I+am+always+tempted+to+ask+Compared+to+what%22&pg=PA241#v=onepage
Strictly Personal (1953)
“The road to success is always under construction”
“If you don't know where you're going, you might not get there.”
When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes, Hyperion, 2002, ISBN 0786867752, p. 53
What Time Is It? You Mean Now?: Advice for Life from the Zennest Master of Them All, Simon and Schuster, 2003, ISBN 0743244532, p. 39
Yogiisms
Variant: You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
Variant: If you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up somewhere else.[citation needed]
Variant: You got to be careful if you do not know where you are going, because you might not get there.
“Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.”
She Stoops to Conquer
She Stoops to Conquer (1771), Act III
Variant: Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
“Two things are infinite: the universe and the human stupidity.”
As discussed in this entry from The Quote Investigator http://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/05/04/universe-einstein/#more-173, the earliest published attribution of a similar quote to Einstein seems to have been in Gestalt therapist Frederick S. Perls' 1969 book Gestalt Theory Verbatim, where he wrote on p. 33: "As Albert Einstein once said to me: 'Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.' But what is much more widespread than the actual stupidity is the playing stupid, turning off your ear, not listening, not seeing." Perls also offered another variant in his 1972 book In and Out the Garbage Pail, where he mentioned a meeting with Einstein and on p. 52 http://books.google.com/books?id=HuxFAAAAYAAJ&q=human+stupidity#search_anchor quoted him saying: "Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe." However, Perls had given yet another variant of this quote in an earlier book, Ego, Hunger, and Aggression: a Revision of Freud’s Theory and Method (originally published 1942, although the Quote Investigator only checked that the quote appeared in the 1947 edition), where he attributed it not to Einstein but to a "great astronomer", writing: "As modern times promote hasty eating to a large extent, it is not surprising to learn that a great astronomer said: 'Two things are infinite, as far as we know – the universe and human stupidity.' To-day we know that this statement is not quite correct. Einstein has proved that the universe is limited." So, the later attributions in 1969 and 1972 may have been a case of faulty memory, or of intentionally trying to increase the authority of the quote by attributing it to Einstein. The quote itself may be a variant of a similar quote attributed even earlier to the philosopher Ernest Renan, found for example in The Public: Volume 18 from 1915, which says on p. 1126 http://books.google.com/books?id=cTPmAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA1126#v=onepage&q&f=false: "He quotes the saying of Renan: it isn't the stars that give him an idea of infinity; it is man's stupidity." (Other examples of similar attributions to Renan can be found on this Google Books search http://www.google.com/search?q=renan+infinity+stupidity&btnG=Search+Books&tbm=bks&tbo=1.) Renan was French so this is presumably intended as a translation, but different sources give different versions of the supposed original French quote, such as "La bêtise humaine est la seule chose qui donne une idée de l'infini" (found for example in Réflexions sur la vie, 1895-1898 by Remy de Gourmont from 1903, p. 103 http://books.google.com/books?id=RtrtAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA103#v=onepage&q&f=false, along with several other early sources as seen in this search http://www.google.com/search?q=%22humaine+est+la+seule+chose+qui%22+renan&btnG=Search+Books&tbm=bks&tbo=1) and "Ce n'est pas l'immensité de la voûte étoilée qui peut donner le plus complétement l'idée de l'infini, mais bien la bêtise humaine!" (found in Broad views, Volume 2 from 1904, p. 465 http://books.google.com/books?id=9NEaAQAAMAAJ&pg=PA465#v=onepage&q&f=false). Since these variants have not been found in Renan's own writings, they may represent false attributions as well. They may also be variants of an even older saying; for example, the 1880 book Des vers by Guy de Maupassant includes on p. 9 http://books.google.com/books?id=cQUvAAAAMAAJ&pg=PP21#v=onepage&q&f=false a quote from a letter (dated February 19, 1880) by Gustave Flaubert where Flaubert writes "Cependant, qui sait? La terre a des limites, mais la bêtise humaine est infinie!" which translates to "But who knows? The earth has its boundaries, but human stupidity is infinite!" Similarly the 1887 book Melanges by Jules-Paul Tardivel includes on p. 273 http://books.google.com/books?id=n9cOAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA273#v=onepage&q&f=false a piece said to have been written in 1880 in which he writes "Aujourd'hui je sais qu'il n'y a pas de limites à la bêtise humaine, qu'elle est infinie" which translates to "today I know that there is no limit to human stupidity, it is infinite."
Disputed
Variant: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Earliest version located is in Technocracy digest: Issues 287–314 from 1988, p. 76 http://books.google.com/books?id=L7LnAAAAMAAJ&q=%22sure+about+the+former%22#search_anchor. Translated to German as: "Zwei Dinge sind unendlich: das Universum und die menschliche Dummheit. Aber beim Universum bin ich mir nicht ganz sicher." (Earliest version located is Arndt-Michael Meyer, Die Macht der Kürze, Books on Demand GmbH, 2004, p. 14 http://books.google.gr/books?id=12DW-RBKTW8C&pg=PA14&dq=%22Zwei+Dinge+sind+unendlich:+das+Universum+und+die+menschliche+%22+arnd&hl=en&sa=X&ei=gquJUsrYBomM7AapmYGgCQ&ved=0CC8Q6wEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22Zwei%20Dinge%20sind%20unendlich%3A%20das%20Universum%20und%20die%20menschliche%20%22%20arnd&f=false.)
Variant: Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target”
“War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.”
"War Is God's Way of Teaching Us Geography" https://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/05/19/geography/ at Quote Investigator
"The comment 'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography,' is continually attributed to Ambrose Bierce. Biographer David E. Schultz, who has nearly all of Bierce's writing entered on his computer, cannot find this acerbic remark within that database." Ralph Keyes, The Quote Verifier (2007), p. 240
Misattributed
“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”
Source: 1900s, Major Barbara (1905)
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Introduction to Blast Off : Rockets, Robots, Ray Guns, and Rarities from the Golden Age of Space Toys (2001) by S. Mark Young, Steve Duin, Mike Richardson, p. 6; the quote on hydrogen and stupidity is said to have originated with an essay of his in the 1960s, and is often misattributed to Frank Zappa, who made similar remarks in The Real Frank Zappa Book (1989): "Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe."
Context: NO ONE GETS OUT OF CHILDHOOD ALIVE. It's not the first time I've said that. But among the few worthy bon mots I've gotten off in sixty-seven years, that and possibly one other may be the only considerations eligible for carving on my tombstone. (The other one is the one entrepreneurs have misappropriated to emboss on buttons and bumper stickers: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
(I don't so much mind that they pirated it, but what does honk me off is that they never get it right. They render it dull and imbecile by phrasing it thus: "The two most common things in the universe are..."
(Not things, you insensate gobbets of ambulatory giraffe dung, elements! Elements is funny, things is imprecise and semi-guttural. Things! Geezus, when will the goyim learn they don't know how to tell a joke.
“Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter, sermons and soda water the day after.”
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
“A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.”
“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”
As quoted in A Dictionary of Scientific Quotations (1977) by Alan L. MacKay, p. 140
Attributed
Source: I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
"A Few Pages of Notes," http://books.google.com/books?id=hXVHAAAAYAAJ&q=%22An+idealist+is+one+who+on+noticing+that+a+rose+smells+better+than+a+cabbage+concludes+that+it+is+also+more+nourishing%22&pg=PA435#v=onepage The Smart Set (January 1915); later published in A Little Book in C Major http://books.google.com/books?id=EAJbAAAAMAAJ&q=%22An+idealist+is+one+who+on+noticing+that+a+rose+smells+better+than+a+cabbage+concludes+that+it+is+also+more+nourishing%22&pg=PA19#v=onepage (1916)
1910s
Source: A Book of Burlesques
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.”
Attributed by his friend Leo Mattersdorf, who also said that "From the time Professor Einstein came to this country until his death, I prepared his income tax returns and advised him on his tax problems." In a letter to Time magazine, 22 February 1963. See this post from The Quote Investigator http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/07/einstein-income-taxes/#more-2031 for more background.
Attributed in posthumous publications
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien," January 29, 2009
“Judge — A law student who marks his own examination-papers.”
1940s–present, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”
"Confessions of an unromantic man," Redbook magazine, Vol. 176, Iss. 4, (Feb 1991): 62.
“Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't go to yours.”
Yogiisms
Source: When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes, Hyperion, 2002, ISBN 0786867752, p. 163.
“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families”
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.”
This may be original with Groucho, but the Quote Investigator http://quoteinvestigator.com/category/jim-brewer/ mentions the earliest report found in a 1958 issue of Boy's Life magazine where it is attributed to Jim Brewer.
Misattributed
Variant: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Source: The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
“Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.”
Daily Telegram #1172, Will Rogers Sees No Value In All The Time We Save (28 April 1930)
Daily telegrams
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
“I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. … You get dirty and besides the pig likes it.”
Initially attributed to Cyrus S. Ching in Time, Vol. 56 (1950), p. 21.
Misattributed
Variant: Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.”
Wired interview http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/13.09/stewart.html?pg=2&topic=stewart&topic_set=, September 13, 2005
Context: The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, "We're going to make a killing here." You won't because it's still only as good as the content.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?”
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.”
As quoted in The Beauty Principal (1984) by Victoria Principal, p. 117
Attributed
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.”
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
“A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.”
“An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.”
Interview with Alfred Werner, Liberal Judaism 16 (April-May 1949), Einstein Archive 30-1104, as sourced in The New Quotable Einstein by Alice Calaprice (2005), p. 173
Differing versions of such a statement are attributed to conversations as early as 1948 (e.g. The Rotarian, 72 (6), June 1948, p. 9 http://books.google.com/books?id=0UMEAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA9: "I don't know. But I can tell you what they'll use in the fourth. They'll use rocks!"). Another variant ("I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones") is attributed to an unidentified letter to Harry S. Truman in "The culture of Einstein" by Alex Johnson http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7406337/, MSNBC, (18 April 2005). However, prior to 1948 very similar quotes were attributed in various articles to an unnamed army lieutenant, as discussed at Quote Investigator : "The Futuristic Weapons of WW3 Are Unknown, But WW4 Will Be Fought With Stones and Spears" http://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/06/16/future-weapons/#more-679. The earliest found was from “Quote and Unquote: Raising ‘Alarmist’ Cry Brings a Winchell Reply” by Walter Winchell, in the Wisconsin State Journal (23 September 1946), p. 6, Col. 3. In this article Winchell wrote: <blockquote> Joe Laitin reports that reporters at Bikini were questioning an army lieutenant about what weapons would be used in the next war. “I dunno,” he said, “but in the war after the next war, sure as Hell, they’ll be using spears!” </blockquote>
: It seems plausible, therefore, that Einstein may have been quoting or paraphrasing an expression which he had heard or read elsewhere.
1940s
Variant: I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
“Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.”
Source: Standup Comic
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
As quoted in The New York Times Magazine (1 June 1969)
1960s
Variant: There can't be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.
“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
206
Coth, in Book Four : Coth at Porutsa, Ch. XXVI : The Realist in Defeat
Source: The Silver Stallion (1926)
Context: Yet creeds mean very little... The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. So I elect for neither label.
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
Dick Cavett Show (8 June 1972).
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
Source: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
“People who say that money can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.”
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
Disputed
“Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.”
“I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.”
“If you can't convince them, confuse them.”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Widely attributed to Chaplin and a few others, research done for "A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted" at Quote Investigator http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/07/16/laughter-day/ indicate that such expressions date back to that of Nicolas Chamfort, published in "Historique, Politique et Litteraire, Maximes détachées extraites des manuscrits de Champfort" Mercure Français (18 July 1795), p. 351 http://books.google.com/books?id=N3tBAAAAcAAJ&q=%22pas+ri%22#v=snippet&q=%22pas%20ri%22&f=false: La plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où l’on n’a pas ri. Translations of this into English have been found as early as one in "Laughing" in Flowers of Literature (1803) by F. Prevost and F. Blagdon :
: I admire the man who exclaimed, “I have lost a day!” because he had neglected to do any good in the course of it; but another has observed that “the most lost of all days, is that in which we have not laughed;” and, I must confess, that I feel myself greatly of his opinion.
Misattributed
“It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”
As quoted in "Ali's Quotes" at BBC Sport : Boxing (17 January 2007)
“There is a fine line between insanity and genius.”
Source: The Lost Symbol
“Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.”
Source: The Naked Civil Servant (1968), Ch. 18
“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”
Source: Plum Lovin'
“Dancing Is a Perpendicular Expression of a Horizontal Desire.”
attributed by George Melly in 1962 Source: Quote Investigator - Dancing Is a Perpendicular Expression of a Horizontal Desire http://quoteinvestigator.com/2016/09/11/dancing/
“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter”
Attribution debunked in Langworth's Churchill by Himself. First known appearance is in a 1992 usenet post https://groups.google.com/forum/message/raw?msg=rec.arts.comics.misc/EMj3ZowKq1U/E0dsEBwdZEgJ.
Misattributed
Source: Google books link https://books.google.com/books?id=vbsU21fEhLAC&q=average+voter#v=snippet&q=average%20voter&f=false
“It's always funny until someone gets hurt.
Then it's just hilarious.”
