Funny quotes

A collection of quotes on the topic of cute, life, funny, people.

Best funny quotes

Albert Einstein photo

„Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.“

—  Albert Einstein German-born physicist and founder of the theory of relativity 1879 - 1955

Variant: A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

Charles Bukowski photo

„Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.“

—  Charles Bukowski American writer 1920 - 1994

Variant: Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Stephen Hawking photo

„Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.“

—  Stephen Hawking British theoretical physicist, cosmologist, and author 1942 - 2018

As quoted in "The Science of Second-Guessing", The New York Times (12 December 2004)

Mark Twain photo

„The secret to getting ahead is getting started.“

—  Mark Twain American author and humorist 1835 - 1910

Dr. Seuss photo

„Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.“

—  Dr. Seuss American children's writer and illustrator, co-founder of Beginner Books 1904 - 1991

Often attributed to Dr. Seuss without citation; also cited as an anonymous proverb.
This quote has also been attributed to Gabriel García Márquez, in Spanish: "No llores porque ya se terminó, sonríe porque sucedió."
Compare lines from In Memoriam A.H.H. of Tennyson:
  'Tis better to have loved and lost
  Than never to have loved at all.
Disputed
Variant: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

John F. Kennedy photo

„Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.“

—  John F. Kennedy 35th president of the United States of America 1917 - 1963

As quoted in Mayor (1984) by Ed Koch
Attributed

Theodore Roosevelt photo

„Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.“

—  Theodore Roosevelt American politician, 26th president of the United States 1858 - 1919

Ch. IX : Outdoors and Indoors, p. 336; the final statement "quoted by Squire Bill Widener" as well as variants of it, are often misattributed to Roosevelt himself.
Variant: Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
Attributed to Roosevelt in Conquering an Enemy Called Average (1996) by John L. Mason, Nugget # 8 : The Only Place to Start is Where You Are. <!-- The Military Quotation Book, Revised and Expanded: More than 1,200 of the Best Quotations About War, Leadership, Courage, Victory, and Defeat (2002) by James Charlton -->
Variant: Do what you can, with what you've got, where you are.
Context: There are many kinds of success in life worth having. It is exceedingly interesting and attractive to be a successful business man, or railroad man, or farmer, or a successful lawyer or doctor; or a writer, or a President, or a ranchman, or the colonel of a fighting regiment, or to kill grizzly bears and lions. But for unflagging interest and enjoyment, a household of children, if things go reasonably well, certainly makes all other forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison. It may be true that he travels farthest who travels alone; but the goal thus reached is not worth reaching. And as for a life deliberately devoted to pleasure as an end — why, the greatest happiness is the happiness that comes as a by-product of striving to do what must be done, even though sorrow is met in the doing. There is a bit of homely philosophy, quoted by Squire Bill Widener, of Widener's Valley, Virginia, which sums up one's duty in life: "Do what you can, with what you've got, where you are."

Elbert Hubbard photo

„Do not take life too seriously – you will never get out of it alive.“

—  Elbert Hubbard American writer, publisher, artist, and philosopher fue el escritor del jarron azul 1856 - 1915

Source: A Thousand & One Epigrams: Selected from the Writings of Elbert Hubbard (1911), p. 74

Mark Twain photo

„Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.“

—  Mark Twain, book Following the Equator

Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. LXVI
Following the Equator (1897)

Winston S. Churchill photo

All funny quotes

Total 437 quotes funny, filter:

Will Rogers photo
Ronald Reagan photo

„Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.“

—  Ronald Reagan American politician, 40th president of the United States (in office from 1981 to 1989) 1911 - 2004

Speech in Jersey City, New Jersey (1 September 1980) http://www.slate.com/id/2201249/
1980s
Context: Let it show on the record that when the American people cried out for economic help, Jimmy Carter took refuge behind a dictionary. Well, if it's a definition he wants, I'll give him one. A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.

Citát „Out of everything I've lost, I miss my mind the most!“
Ozzy Osbourne photo

„Out of everything I've lost, I miss my mind the most!“

—  Ozzy Osbourne English heavy metal vocalist and songwriter 1948

Hans Christian Andersen photo

„Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.“

—  Hans Christian Andersen Danish author, fairy tale writer, and poet 1805 - 1875

Lawrence Ferlinghetti photo
A.A. Milne photo
Bill Gates photo

„Choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.“

—  Bill Gates American business magnate and philanthropist 1955

Sometimes quoted with "difficult" instead of "hard".
A similar thought was expressed by automobile executive Clarence Bleicher in 1947 (before Bill Gates was born): "if you get a tough job, one that is hard, and you haven’t got a way to make it easy, put a lazy man on it, and after 10 days he will have an easy way to do it".
Misattributed
Source: http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/02/26/lazy-job/

Victor Hugo photo

„You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.“

—  Victor Hugo, book Things Seen

Often attributed to Churchill, this thought was originally expressed by the French author Victor Hugo in Villemain (1845), as follows: You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea. It is the cloud which thunders around everything that shines. Fame must have enemies, as light must have gnats. Do not bother yourself about it; disdain. Keep your mind serene as you keep your life clear.
Villemain is a brief segment taken from Hugo’s Choses Vues (Things Seen), a running journal Hugo kept of events he witnessed. The original French versions of these journals were published after Hugo's death.
Misattributed

Al Capone photo

„You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.“

—  Al Capone American gangster 1899 - 1947

Misquoted in Forbes (6 October 1986), actually attributed to humorist Professor Irwin Corey (1953) http://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/11/03/kind-gun/
Disputed
Variant: You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Citát „Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.“
Hedy Lamarr photo

„Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.“

—  Hedy Lamarr Austrian-American actress and co-inventor of an early technique for spread spectrum communications and frequency hopping 1914 - 2000

As quoted in The Stars (1962) by Richard Schickel

George Burns photo

„When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.“

—  George Burns American comedian, actor, and writer 1896 - 1996

W.B. Yeats photo
Clint Eastwood photo

„If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.“

—  Clint Eastwood actor and director from the United States 1930

„How to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.“

—  Marian Keyes Irish writer 1963

Source: The Other Side of the Story

Will Rogers photo

„Never miss a good chance to shut up.“

—  Will Rogers American humorist and entertainer 1879 - 1935

The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers (2001)

Neil deGrasse Tyson photo
Pablo Picasso photo

„I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money.“

—  Pablo Picasso Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker, ceramicist, and stage designer 1881 - 1973

Robert Fulghum photo

„We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.“

—  Robert Fulghum American writer 1937

Variant: You want my opinion? We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
Source: True Love (1998)

Indíra Gándhí photo
Douglas Adams photo
Groucho Marx photo

„If it's not important for you, then it's not important for me.“

—  Lucky Gupta Internet celebrity 1998

2021

Will Ferrell photo
George Carlin photo

„Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.“

—  George Carlin American stand-up comedian 1937 - 2008

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)
Source: When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

Rita Rudner photo
Groucho Marx photo

„Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.“

—  Groucho Marx American comedian 1890 - 1977

Apparently attributed to Marx in Bennett Cerf's Try and Stop Me, first published in 1944. A citation of this can been seen in the Kentucky New Era on November 9, 1964 http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=X-orAAAAIBAJ&sjid=ZWcFAAAAIBAJ&pg=4581,3323702&dq=art-of-looking-for-trouble&hl=en. Also attributed to Marx by Rand Paul in "The Long Stand," ch. 1 of Taking a Stand: Moving Beyond Partisan Politics to Unite America (New York, N. Y.: Center Street, 26 May 2015), p. 5.
The original quotation belongs to Sir Ernest Benn (Henry Powell Spring, What is Truth?, Orange Press, 1944, p. 31 https://books.google.com/books?id=snxbAAAAMAAJ&q=Ernest+benn+%22Politics+is+the+art+of%22&dq=Ernest+benn+%22Politics+is+the+art+of%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CCMQ6AEwAjgUahUKEwiK3Zm-qojIAhWGVZIKHdFYBqY); a first known citation reportedly appears in the Springfield (MA) Republican on July 27, 1930.
Misattributed
Variant: Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Source: Gyles Brandreth, Word Play: A cornucopia of puns, anagrams and other contortions and curiosities of the English language, Coronet, 2015.

George Burns photo
Woody Allen photo

„I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.“

—  Woody Allen American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, playwright, and musician 1935

The joke about immortality also appears in On Being Funny (1975)
In an interview in Rolling Stone magazine from April 9, 1987, Allen said "Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment."
Source: The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader (1993)

Citát „The capacity to learn is a gift; The ability to learn is a skill; The
willingness to learn is a choice.“
Brian Herbert photo
Charles Lamb photo

„Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.“

—  Dale Carnegie, book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

Source: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (1948), p. 237. Part 8 : How I Conquered Worry,

Rodney Dangerfield photo

„There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.“

—  Erma Bombeck When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and coul… 1927 - 1996

„Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.“

—  Enid Blyton, book Five on a Hike Together

Source: Five on a Hike Together

Henny Youngman photo

„The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.“

—  Henny Youngman American comedian 1906 - 1998

"Forbes‎" - Vol. 166, Page 156, de Bertie Charles Forbes - Forbes Inc., 2000

Andy Rooney photo
Jane Austen photo

„I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.“

—  Jane Austen English novelist 1775 - 1817

Letter to Cassandra (1798-12-24) [Letters of Jane Austen -- Brabourne Edition]
Letters
Source: Jane Austen's Letters

Blaise Pascal photo

„I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.“

—  Blaise Pascal French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer, and Christian philosopher 1623 - 1662

Often misattributed to Twain, this is actually by Blaise Pascal, "Lettres provinciales", letter 16, 1657:
Je n'ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.
Translation: I have only made this [letter] longer, because I have not had the opportunity to make it shorter.
Misattributed
Source: The Provincial Letters

Citát „A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money“
W.C. Fields photo
Chris Rock photo

„Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.“

—  Chris Rock American comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer, film producer, and director 1965

Agatha Christie photo
Groucho Marx photo

„I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.“

—  Groucho Marx American comedian 1890 - 1977

Quote by Leo Rosten in The Many Worlds of Leo Rosten http://books.google.com/books?id=8FkwAAAAIAAJ&q=%22i+never+forget+a+face+but+in+your+case+i'll+be+glad+to+make+an+exception%22&pg=PA17#v=onepage (1964)

Mark Twain photo
Will Rogers photo
Roald Dahl photo

„So please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookshelf on the wall.“

—  Roald Dahl, book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Variant: So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.
Source: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Milton Berle photo
Bill Cosby photo

„Man can not live by bread alone… he must have peanut butter.“

—  Bill Cosby American actor, comedian, author, producer, musician, activist 1937

Thor Heyerdahl photo

„Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.“

—  Thor Heyerdahl Norwegian anthropologist and adventurer 1914 - 2002

Variant: Progress is a man´s ability to comlicate simplicity.

Arthur C. Clarke photo

„I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.“

—  Arthur C. Clarke British science fiction writer, science writer, inventor, undersea explorer, and television series host 1917 - 2008

IRC discussion at Scifi.com (1 November 1996) http://web.archive.org/web/20021201214228/http://www.scifi.com/transcripts/aclarke.txt with Clarke and Gentry Lee
1990s

Ellen DeGeneres photo

„Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.“

—  Ellen DeGeneres American stand-up comedian, television host, and actress 1958

Source: Seriously... I'm Kidding

Groucho Marx photo
Jerry Seinfeld photo
Scott Adams photo
Mark Twain photo
Bertrand Russell photo

„I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.“

—  Bertrand Russell logician, one of the first analytic philosophers and political activist 1872 - 1970

Oprah Winfrey photo

„When you know better… You do better.“

—  Oprah Winfrey American businesswoman, talk show host, actress, producer, and philanthropist 1954

Conan O'Brien photo

„When all else fails, there's always delusion.“

—  Conan O'Brien American television show host and comedian 1963

Groucho Marx photo

„I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.“

—  Groucho Marx American comedian 1890 - 1977

As quoted in Halliwell’s Filmgoer’s Companion (1984) by Leslie Halliwell
Variant: I find TV very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Elbert Hubbard photo

„The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.“

—  Elbert Hubbard American writer, publisher, artist, and philosopher fue el escritor del jarron azul 1856 - 1915

The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard (1927)
Variant: The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

Rudyard Kipling photo

„A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty.“

—  Rudyard Kipling, book Plain Tales from the Hills

Source: Plain Tales from the Hills

Ashleigh Brilliant photo
Margaret Mead photo

„Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.“

—  Margaret Mead American anthropologist 1901 - 1978

Variant: Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Jerome K. Jerome photo

„I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.“

—  Jerome K. Jerome, book Three Men in a Boat

Variant: I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Source: Three Men in a Boat (1889), Ch. 15.
Context: It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

Anthony Burgess photo
Ernest Hemingway photo
Eleanor Roosevelt photo

„Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.“

—  Eleanor Roosevelt American politician, diplomat, and activist, and First Lady of the United States 1884 - 1962

Another quote often attributed to her without an original source in her writings, as in The Wit and Wisdom of Eleanor Roosevelt (1996), p. 199. But once again archivists have not been able to find the quote in any of her writings, see the comment from Ralph Keyes in The Quote Verifier above.
A very similar remark was attributed to Nancy Reagan, in The Observer (29 March 1981): "A woman is like a teabag — only in hot water do you realize how strong she is."
Variants:
A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.
A woman is like a tea bag, you can not tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
A woman is like a tea bag; you can't tell how strong she is and how much to trust her until you put her in hot water.
Disputed

Steven Wright photo
Winston S. Churchill photo

„I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.“

—  Winston S. Churchill Prime Minister of the United Kingdom 1874 - 1965

Christopher Soames, speech at the Reform Club (28 April 1981), reported in Martin S. Gilbert, Winston S. Churchill. Volume Eight: Never Despair: 1945–1965. p. 304
Post-war years (1945–1955)
Variant: I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Context: [Christopher Soames, Churchill's future son-in-law, remembered] Churchill showing him around Chartwell Farm [around 1946]. When they came to the piggery Churchill scratched one of the pigs and said: I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Alexander Pope photo
Bill Maher photo
Robert Frost photo

„Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.“

—  Robert Frost American poet 1874 - 1963

As quoted in a review of A Swinger of Birches (1957) by Sydney Cox in Vermont History, Vol. 25 (1957), p. 355
1950s

Salvador Dalí photo

„Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.“

—  Erma Bombeck When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and coul… 1927 - 1996

Alice Morse Earle photo
Natalie Wood photo
Woody Allen photo

„Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.“

—  Woody Allen American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, playwright, and musician 1935

Conan O'Brien photo
George Carlin photo

„Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?“

—  George Carlin American stand-up comedian 1937 - 2008

Carlin on Campus (1984)

Abraham Lincoln photo

„When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.“

—  Abraham Lincoln 16th President of the United States 1809 - 1865

Quoted in 3:439 Herndon's Lincoln (1890), p. 439 http://books.google.com/books?id=rywOAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA439&dq=%22when+i+do+good+i+feel+good%22: Inasmuch as he was so often a candidate for public office Mr. Lincoln said as little about his religious code as possible, especially if he failed to coincide with the orthodox world. In illustration of his religious code I once heard him say that it was like that of an old man named Glenn, in Indiana, whom he heard speak at a church meeting, and who said: "When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion."
Posthumous attributions

Douglas Adams photo

„Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.“

—  Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy pentalogy

Source: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

George Burns photo

„Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city.“

—  George Burns American comedian, actor, and writer 1896 - 1996

As quoted in The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners (2004) by Geoff Tibballs, p. 251

Stephen King photo

„You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.“

—  Stephen King American author 1947

Source: On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

Dr. Seuss photo

„Why fit in when you were born to stand out?“

—  Dr. Seuss American children's writer and illustrator, co-founder of Beginner Books 1904 - 1991

„Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.“

—  M. Scott Peck American psychiatrist 1936 - 2005

Source: The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth

Conan O'Brien photo
Bill Cosby photo

„A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.“

—  Bill Cosby American actor, comedian, author, producer, musician, activist 1937

Mike Myers photo

„My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.“

—  Mike Myers Canadian- British- American actor, comedian, singer, screenwriter, and film producer 1963

Rodney Dangerfield photo

„My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.“

—  Rodney Dangerfield American actor and comedian 1921 - 2004

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

George Bernard Shaw photo
Elon Musk photo

„I would like to die on Mars; just not on impact.“

—  Elon Musk South African-born American entrepreneur 1971

[Vance, Ashley, Elon Musk, the 21st Century Industrialist, http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-13/elon-musk-the-21st-century-industrialist#p5, 14 September 2012, Bloomberg, 13 September 2012]

„Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.“

—  Laurence J. Peter Canadian eductor 1919 - 1990

Source: Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time (1977), p. 362

W. H. Auden photo

„We are all on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for, I can't imagine.“

—  W. H. Auden Anglo-American poet 1907 - 1973

Often cited as by Auden without attribution, this quotation has been traced to John Foster Hall (1867-1945), an English comedian known as the Reverend Vivian Foster, Vicar of Mirth. Full history with sound recording http://audensociety.org/vivianfoster.html
Misattributed

Arnold Schoenberg photo

„…if it is art, it is not for all, and if it is for all, it is not art.“

—  Arnold Schoenberg, book Style and Idea

from New Music, Outmoded Music, Style and Idea (1946); as quoted in Style and Idea (1985), p. 124
1940s

John Archibald Wheeler photo

„The question is—what is the question?“

—  John Archibald Wheeler American physicist 1911 - 2008

Leonard Susskind, The Black Hole War (2008), chapter 13

Joan Rivers photo

„My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.“

—  Joan Rivers American comedian, actress, and television host 1933 - 2014

As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84

George Bernard Shaw photo

„Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.“

—  George Bernard Shaw Irish playwright 1856 - 1950

#17
1900s, Maxims for Revolutionists (1903)

Harland Sanders photo

„I'm too drunk to taste this chicken“

—  Harland Sanders American entrepreneur and businessman 1890 - 1980