Funny quotes

A collection of quotes on the topic of funny.

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George Burns photo

„Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city.“

—  George Burns American comedian, actor, and writer 1896 - 1996

As quoted in The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners (2004) by Geoff Tibballs, p. 251

Laurence J. Peter photo
Harland Sanders photo

„I'm too drunk to taste this chicken“

—  Harland Sanders American entrepreneur and businessman 1890 - 1980

Lawrence Ferlinghetti photo
Neil deGrasse Tyson photo
Dr. Seuss photo

„Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.“

—  Dr. Seuss American children's writer and illustrator, co-founder of Beginner Books 1904 - 1991

Often attributed to Dr. Seuss without citation; also cited as an anonymous proverb.
This quote has also been attributed to Gabriel García Márquez, in Spanish: "No llores porque ya se terminó, sonríe porque sucedió."
Compare lines from In Memoriam A.H.H. of Tennyson:
  'Tis better to have loved and lost
  Than never to have loved at all.
Disputed
Variant: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Groucho Marx photo
Groucho Marx photo

„I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.“

—  Groucho Marx American comedian 1890 - 1977

As quoted in Halliwell’s Filmgoer’s Companion (1984) by Leslie Halliwell
Variant: I find TV very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Groucho Marx photo

„Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.“

—  Groucho Marx American comedian 1890 - 1977

Apparently attributed to Marx in Bennett Cerf's Try and Stop Me, first published in 1944. A citation of this can been seen in the Kentucky New Era on November 9, 1964 http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=X-orAAAAIBAJ&sjid=ZWcFAAAAIBAJ&pg=4581,3323702&dq=art-of-looking-for-trouble&hl=en. Also attributed to Marx by Rand Paul in "The Long Stand," ch. 1 of Taking a Stand: Moving Beyond Partisan Politics to Unite America (New York, N. Y.: Center Street, 26 May 2015), p. 5.
The original quotation belongs to Sir Ernest Benn (Henry Powell Spring, What is Truth?, Orange Press, 1944, p. 31 https://books.google.com/books?id=snxbAAAAMAAJ&q=Ernest+benn+%22Politics+is+the+art+of%22&dq=Ernest+benn+%22Politics+is+the+art+of%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CCMQ6AEwAjgUahUKEwiK3Zm-qojIAhWGVZIKHdFYBqY); a first known citation reportedly appears in the Springfield (MA) Republican on July 27, 1930.
Misattributed
Variant: Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Source: Gyles Brandreth, Word Play: A cornucopia of puns, anagrams and other contortions and curiosities of the English language, Coronet, 2015.

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Citát „Out of everything I've lost, I miss my mind the most!“
Ozzy Osbourne photo

„Out of everything I've lost, I miss my mind the most!“

—  Ozzy Osbourne English heavy metal vocalist and songwriter 1948

Milton Berle photo
Mark Twain photo
Samuel Goldwyn photo
Alexander Pope photo
Woody Allen photo

„I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.“

—  Woody Allen American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, playwright, and musician 1935

The joke about immortality also appears in On Being Funny (1975)
In an interview in Rolling Stone magazine from April 9, 1987, Allen said "Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment."
Source: The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader (1993)

Conan O'Brien photo
George Burns photo
Andy Rooney photo

„The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.“

—  Andy Rooney writer, humorist, television personality 1919 - 2011

„Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Etiam egestas wisi a erat. Morbi imperdiet, mauris ac auctor dictum.“