Funny quotes

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Matt Groening photo
Will Ferrell photo
Ray Bradbury photo

„Three things are in your head: First, everything you have experienced from the day of your birth until right now.“

—  Ray Bradbury American writer 1920 - 2012

The Paris Review interview (2010)
Context: Three things are in your head: First, everything you have experienced from the day of your birth until right now. Every single second, every single hour, every single day. Then, how you reacted to those events in the minute of their happening, whether they were disastrous or joyful. Those are two things you have in your mind to give you material. Then, separate from the living experiences are all the art experiences you’ve had, the things you’ve learned from other writers, artists, poets, film directors, and composers. So all of this is in your mind as a fabulous mulch and you have to bring it out. How do you do that? I did it by making lists of nouns and then asking, What does each noun mean? You can go and make up your own list right now and it would be different than mine. The night. The crickets. The train whistle. The basement. The attic. The tennis shoes. The fireworks. All these things are very personal. Then, when you get the list down, you begin to word-associate around it. You ask, Why did I put this word down? What does it mean to me? Why did I put this noun down and not some other word? Do this and you’re on your way to being a good writer. You can’t write for other people. You can’t write for the left or the right, this religion or that religion, or this belief or that belief. You have to write the way you see things.

Victor Hugo photo

„You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.“

—  Victor Hugo, book Things Seen

Often attributed to Churchill, this thought was originally expressed by the French author Victor Hugo in Villemain (1845), as follows: You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea. It is the cloud which thunders around everything that shines. Fame must have enemies, as light must have gnats. Do not bother yourself about it; disdain. Keep your mind serene as you keep your life clear.
Villemain is a brief segment taken from Hugo’s Choses Vues (Things Seen), a running journal Hugo kept of events he witnessed. The original French versions of these journals were published after Hugo's death.
Misattributed

Rodney Dangerfield photo

„My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.“

—  Rodney Dangerfield American actor and comedian 1921 - 2004

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

Will Rogers photo
Ronald Reagan photo

„Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.“

—  Ronald Reagan American politician, 40th president of the United States (in office from 1981 to 1989) 1911 - 2004

Speech in Jersey City, New Jersey (1 September 1980) http://www.slate.com/id/2201249/
1980s
Context: Let it show on the record that when the American people cried out for economic help, Jimmy Carter took refuge behind a dictionary. Well, if it's a definition he wants, I'll give him one. A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.

John Archibald Wheeler photo

„The question is—what is the question?“

—  John Archibald Wheeler American physicist 1911 - 2008

Leonard Susskind, The Black Hole War (2008), chapter 13

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Bertrand Russell photo

„I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.“

—  Bertrand Russell logician, one of the first analytic philosophers and political activist 1872 - 1970

Mark Twain photo
Bill Cosby photo

„Man can not live by bread alone… he must have peanut butter.“

—  Bill Cosby American actor, comedian, author, producer, musician, activist 1937

Bill Cosby photo

„A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.“

—  Bill Cosby American actor, comedian, author, producer, musician, activist 1937

Thor Heyerdahl photo

„Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.“

—  Thor Heyerdahl Norwegian anthropologist and adventurer 1914 - 2002

Variant: Progress is a man´s ability to comlicate simplicity.

Blaise Pascal photo

„I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.“

—  Blaise Pascal French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer, and Christian philosopher 1623 - 1662

Often misattributed to Twain, this is actually by Blaise Pascal, "Lettres provinciales", letter 16, 1657:
Je n'ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.
Translation: I have only made this [letter] longer, because I have not had the opportunity to make it shorter.
Misattributed
Source: The Provincial Letters

W.B. Yeats photo
Salvador Dalí photo
A.A. Milne photo
Indíra Gándhí photo

„Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Etiam egestas wisi a erat. Morbi imperdiet, mauris ac auctor dictum.“