Funny quotes

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Ronald Reagan photo

„Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.“

—  Ronald Reagan American politician, 40th president of the United States (in office from 1981 to 1989) 1911 - 2004

Speech in Jersey City, New Jersey (1 September 1980)
Context: Let it show on the record that when the American people cried out for economic help, Jimmy Carter took refuge behind a dictionary. Well, if it's a definition he wants, I'll give him one. A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.

Mark Twain photo
Blaise Pascal photo

„I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.“

—  Blaise Pascal French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer, and Christian philosopher 1623 - 1662

Often misattributed to Twain, this is actually by Blaise Pascal, "Lettres provinciales", letter 16, 1657:
Je n'ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.
Translation: I have only made this [letter] longer, because I have not had the opportunity to make it shorter.
Source: The Provincial Letters

W.B. Yeats photo
Salvador Dalí photo
A.A. Milne photo
Indíra Gándhí photo
George Bernard Shaw photo

„Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.“

—  Dale Carnegie, book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

Source: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (1948), p. 237. Part 8 : How I Conquered Worry,

Victor Hugo photo

„You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.“

—  Victor Hugo, book Things Seen

Often attributed to Churchill, this thought was originally expressed by the French author Victor Hugo in Villemain (1845), as follows: You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea. It is the cloud which thunders around everything that shines. Fame must have enemies, as light must have gnats. Do not bother yourself about it; disdain. Keep your mind serene as you keep your life clear.
Villemain is a brief segment taken from Hugo’s Choses Vues (Things Seen), a running journal Hugo kept of events he witnessed. The original French versions of these journals were published after Hugo's death.

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Lawrence Ferlinghetti photo
Ashleigh Brilliant photo
Will Rogers photo
Ernest Hemingway photo
George Burns photo

„Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city.“

—  George Burns American comedian, actor, and writer 1896 - 1996

As quoted in The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners (2004) by Geoff Tibballs, p. 251

„Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.“

—  Laurence J. Peter Canadian eductor 1919 - 1990

Source: Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time (1977), p. 362

Harland Sanders photo

„I'm too drunk to taste this chicken“

—  Harland Sanders American entrepreneur and businessman 1890 - 1980

Neil deGrasse Tyson photo
Dr. Seuss photo

„Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.“

—  Dr. Seuss American children's writer and illustrator, co-founder of Beginner Books 1904 - 1991

Often attributed to Dr. Seuss without citation; also cited as an anonymous proverb.
This quote has also been attributed to Gabriel García Márquez, in Spanish: "No llores porque ya se terminó, sonríe porque sucedió."
Compare lines from In Memoriam A.H.H. of Tennyson:
  'Tis better to have loved and lost
  Than never to have loved at all.
Variant: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Groucho Marx photo

„Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Etiam egestas wisi a erat. Morbi imperdiet, mauris ac auctor dictum.“