“Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
A version of this quote was published anonymously in an insurance magazine in 1908 https://books.google.com/books?id=S2JJAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA375&dq=%22others+whenever+they+go%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwja94i3iaXLAhUY7mMKHW5fAGIQ6AEIJjAC#v=onepage&q=%22others%20whenever%20they%20go%22&f=false. The earliest attribution to Wilde was in 1955 https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&hl=en&q=%22others+whenever+they+go%22+wilde#hl=en&tbs=cdr:1%2Ccd_min:1900%2Ccd_max:1999&tbm=bks&q=%22others+whenever+they+go+oscar+wilde+jive%22; no source in Wilde's writings has been found.
Disputed
“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”
Variant: The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Gwendolen, Act II
Source: The Importance of Being Earnest (1895)
“Man can not live by bread alone… he must have peanut butter.”
“Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.”
Variant: Progress is a man´s ability to comlicate simplicity.
Variant: Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
Source: Seriously... I'm Kidding
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.”
Demander un conseil, c'est presque toujours chercher un complice. — Adélaïde-Édouard le Lièvre, marquis de La Grange et de Fourilles (1796–1876), Pensées (1872) http://books.google.com/books?id=_YcDAAAAMAAJ&pg=RA2-PA479&dq=%22Demander+un+conseil,+c'est+presque+toujours+chercher+un+complice%22&hl=en
Misattributed
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
“Reach high, for stars lie hidden in you. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.”
Source: Life's Little Instruction Book: 511 Suggestions, Observations, and Reminders on How to Live a Happy and Rewarding Life
“When you know better… You do better.”
“When all else fails, there's always delusion.”
“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”
Variant: A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
Variant: I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”
Variant: A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
“Politicians are like diapers: they should be changed often, and for the same reason”
Not found in Twain's works.
A 1993 newspaper humor column attributes this saying to Reader's Digest: "Picking it up from a Reader's Digest fan, Willie, our ex-shoe shine boy, says some politicians are like diapers. They both need changed often ... and for the same reason."
Also attributed to Reader's Digest in Naomi Judd's 1993 book Love Can Build a Bridge https://books.google.com/books?id=AMmrqZkq3JQC&pg=PA262&dq=%22politicians+are+like+diapers%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQ2obup6LKAhUBS2MKHfacCmsQ6AEIITAB#v=onepage&q=%22politicians%20are%20like%20diapers%22&f=false: 'A quip I once saw in Reader's Digest said: "Most politicians are like diapers: they should be changed often, and for the same reason!"'.
Not found attributed to Twain until 2010 https://books.google.com/books?id=gNwqfJkXjVsC&pg=PA448&dq=%22politicians+are+like+diapers%22+twain&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjUq_C6qaLKAhVM7GMKHTuwAfIQ6AEIIzAB#v=onepage&q=%22politicians%20are%20like%20diapers%22%20twain&f=false
Misattributed
Variant: Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason
Source: Bill Hastings, "Books, Bricks, Nap's, Tom, , Tres, Tracy ..." https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/14184165/, Indiana Gazette, 1993-09-10, p. 11
“A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.”
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar”
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”
As quoted in a review of A Swinger of Birches (1957) by Sydney Cox in Vermont History, Vol. 25 (1957), p. 355
1950s
1930s, The Conquest of Happiness (1930)
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Attributed in Evan Esar (1949), The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations
Misattributed
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
Draft manuscript (c.1881), quoted by Albert Bigelow Paine in Mark Twain: A Biography (1912), p. 724 http://books.google.com/books?id=2UYLAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA724#v=onepage&q&f=false
Variant: Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
The Nome Trilogy (1989 - 1990)
Variant: The problem with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and putting things in it.
Source: Diggers (1990)
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.”
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.”
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Variant: I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”
“I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything about.”
Lord Goring, Act I
An Ideal Husband (1895)
“You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.”
Source: On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
Source: The Nightingale
“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
Source: The Friends of Eddie Coyle
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
“Love, Love, Love. All you need is love. Love is all you need.”
“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.”
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
Variant: Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
More Maxims of Mark (1927) edited by Merle Johnson
Variant: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”
“I would like to die on Mars; just not on impact.”
[Vance, Ashley, Elon Musk, the 21st Century Industrialist, http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-13/elon-musk-the-21st-century-industrialist#p5, 14 September 2012, Bloomberg, 13 September 2012]
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.”
Newsweek, March 28, 1960
London Match (London: Hutchinson, 1985) p. 18
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
Source: Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time (1977), p. 362
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Attributed to Markus Herz by Ernst von Feuchtersleben, Zur Diätetik der Seele (1841), p. 95 http://books.google.com/books?id=FLc6AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA95&dq=%22Lieber+Freund+Sie+werden+noch+einmal+an+einem+Druckfehler+sterben%22. First attributed to Twain in 1980s, as in The 637 best things anybody ever said, (1982), Robert Byrne, Atheneum. See talk page for more info.
Misattributed
Variant: Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
“I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!”
Mitch All Together (2003)
“We are all on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for, I can't imagine.”
Often cited as by Auden without attribution, this quotation has been traced to John Foster Hall (1867-1945), an English comedian known as the Reverend Vivian Foster, Vicar of Mirth. Full history with sound recording http://audensociety.org/vivianfoster.html
Misattributed
The quote is usually regarded as anonymous, but is often attributed to her on several websites, as well as in several books, including My Life Is an Open Book http://books.google.es/books?id=qCOa1k--dt4C&printsec=frontcover&hl=es#v=onepage&q=eleanor%20roosevelt&f=false (2008), The Spirituality of Mary Magdalene http://books.google.es/books?hl=es&id=BLRuINwzVZcC&dq=eleanor+roosevelt++%22past+is+history%22&q=eleanor+roosevelt#v=snippet&q=eleanor%20roosevelt&f=false (2008), Mis cuatro estaciones http://books.google.es/books?hl=es&id=QCgANqKq8EIC&dq=ayer+es+historia%2C+ma%C3%B1ana++misterio.+Hoy+regalo+de+Dios+presente&q=%22eleanor+roosevelt%22#v=snippet&q=%22eleanor%20roosevelt%22&f=false (2008), and Gilles Lamontagne http://books.google.es/books?ei=MdG9UqGQK-fL2wX5zYC4Dw&hl=es&id=WyFKAQAAIAAJ&dq=Hier+est+de+l%27histoire%2C+demain+est+un+myst%C3%A8re+et+aujourd%27hui+est+un+cadeau.+C%27+est+pourquoi+nous+l%27appelons+%C2%AB+le+pr%C3%A9sent+roosevelt&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=eleanor+roosevelt (2010). None of these works cite any original reference.
Disputed
“…if it is art, it is not for all, and if it is for all, it is not art.”
from New Music, Outmoded Music, Style and Idea (1946); as quoted in Style and Idea (1985), p. 124
1940s
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
Notes on sourcing http://www.bartleby.com/73/1982.html
Twain did say:
: "There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather that compels the stranger's admiration — and regret. The weather is always doing something there … In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours. ...
Yes, one of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it."
:* Speech at the dinner of New England Society in New York City (22 December 1876)
Misattributed
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
"The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)
Il est défendu de tuer; tout meurtrier est puni, à moins qu’il n’ait tué en grande compagnie, et au son des trompettes.
"Rights" (1771)
Citas, Questions sur l'Encyclopédie (1770–1774)
““Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.”
Thomas L. Masson, The Book of Today, (1923), as cited in: Clifton Fadiman (1955) The American treasury, 1455-1955. p. 791.
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”
How to Catch a Man, Keep a Man, and Get Rid of a Man (Doubleday, 1970)
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
“The wiser head gives in! An immortal phrase. It founds the world dominion of stupidity.”
Der Gescheitere gibt nach! Ein unsterbliches Wort. Es begründet die Weltherrschaft der Dummheit.
Aphorisms (1893), p. 6
Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. XLIX
Following the Equator (1897)
“Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.”
#17
1900s, Maxims for Revolutionists (1903)
“I'm too drunk to taste this chicken”
The Paris Review interview (2010)
Context: Three things are in your head: First, everything you have experienced from the day of your birth until right now. Every single second, every single hour, every single day. Then, how you reacted to those events in the minute of their happening, whether they were disastrous or joyful. Those are two things you have in your mind to give you material. Then, separate from the living experiences are all the art experiences you’ve had, the things you’ve learned from other writers, artists, poets, film directors, and composers. So all of this is in your mind as a fabulous mulch and you have to bring it out. How do you do that? I did it by making lists of nouns and then asking, What does each noun mean? You can go and make up your own list right now and it would be different than mine. The night. The crickets. The train whistle. The basement. The attic. The tennis shoes. The fireworks. All these things are very personal. Then, when you get the list down, you begin to word-associate around it. You ask, Why did I put this word down? What does it mean to me? Why did I put this noun down and not some other word? Do this and you’re on your way to being a good writer. You can’t write for other people. You can’t write for the left or the right, this religion or that religion, or this belief or that belief. You have to write the way you see things.
“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. ”
“Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better.”
“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
“Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.”
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/07/19/heaven-for-climate/
Variant: My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
Variant: I am easily satisfied with the very best.
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
“Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.”
Source: The Naked Civil Servant (1968), Ch. 1
Context: Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level.
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”
“To be or not to be. That's not really a question.”
