“Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”
Milton Berle (1908–2002) American comedian and actor
Funny quotes page 2
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet
A version of this quote was published anonymously in an insurance magazine in 1908 https://books.google.com/books?id=S2JJAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA375&dq=%22others+whenever+they+go%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwja94i3iaXLAhUY7mMKHW5fAGIQ6AEIJjAC#v=onepage&q=%22others%20whenever%20they%20go%22&f=false. The earliest attribution to Wilde was in 1955 https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&hl=en&q=%22others+whenever+they+go%22+wilde#hl=en&tbs=cdr:1%2Ccd_min:1900%2Ccd_max:1999&tbm=bks&q=%22others+whenever+they+go+oscar+wilde+jive%22; no source in Wilde's writings has been found. <br class="br">Disputed
“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Variant: The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Oscar Wilde The Importance of Being Earnest
Gwendolen, Act II
Source: The Importance of Being Earnest (1895)
“Man can not live by bread alone… he must have peanut butter.”
Bill Cosby (1937) American actor, comedian, author, producer, musician, activist
“Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.”
Thor Heyerdahl (1914–2002) Norwegian anthropologist and adventurer
Variant: Progress is a man´s ability to comlicate simplicity.
Ellen DeGeneres (1958) American stand-up comedian, television host, and actress
Variant: Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres (1958) American stand-up comedian, television host, and actress
Source: Seriously... I'm Kidding
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American comedian
“When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.”
Saul Bellow (1915–2005) Canadian-born American writer
Demander un conseil, c'est presque toujours chercher un complice. — Adélaïde-Édouard le Lièvre, marquis de La Grange et de Fourilles (1796–1876), Pensées (1872) http://books.google.com/books?id=_YcDAAAAMAAJ&pg=RA2-PA479&dq=%22Demander+un+conseil,+c'est+presque+toujours+chercher+un+complice%22&hl=en <br class="br">Misattributed
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
Jerry Seinfeld (1954) American comedian and actor
“Reach high, for stars lie hidden in you. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.”
Rabindranath Tagore (1861–1941) Bengali polymath
H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (1940) American writer
Source: Life's Little Instruction Book: 511 Suggestions, Observations, and Reminders on How to Live a Happy and Rewarding Life
“When you know better… You do better.”
Oprah Winfrey (1954) American businesswoman, talk show host, actress, producer, and philanthropist
“When all else fails, there's always delusion.”
Conan O'Brien (1963) American television show host and comedian
“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Variant: A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Variant: I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Abraham Lincoln (1809–1865) 16th President of the United States
“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”
Robert Frost (1874–1963) American poet
Variant: A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
“Politicians are like diapers: they should be changed often, and for the same reason”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Not found in Twain's works. <br class="br">A 1993 newspaper humor column attributes this saying to Reader's Digest: "Picking it up from a Reader's Digest fan, Willie, our ex-shoe shine boy, says some politicians are like diapers. They both need changed often ... and for the same reason." <br class="br">Also attributed to Reader's Digest in Naomi Judd's 1993 book Love Can Build a Bridge https://books.google.com/books?id=AMmrqZkq3JQC&pg=PA262&dq=%22politicians+are+like+diapers%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQ2obup6LKAhUBS2MKHfacCmsQ6AEIITAB#v=onepage&q=%22politicians%20are%20like%20diapers%22&f=false: 'A quip I once saw in Reader's Digest said: "Most politicians are like diapers: they should be changed often, and for the same reason!"'. <br class="br">Not found attributed to Twain until 2010 https://books.google.com/books?id=gNwqfJkXjVsC&pg=PA448&dq=%22politicians+are+like+diapers%22+twain&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjUq_C6qaLKAhVM7GMKHTuwAfIQ6AEIIzAB#v=onepage&q=%22politicians%20are%20like%20diapers%22%20twain&f=false <br class="br">Misattributed <br class="br">Variant: Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason <br class="br">Source: Bill Hastings, "Books, Bricks, Nap's, Tom, , Tres, Tracy ..." https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/14184165/, Indiana Gazette, 1993-09-10, p. 11
“A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.”
Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar”
Abraham Lincoln (1809–1865) 16th President of the United States
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
Bill Maher (1956) American stand-up comedian
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”
Robert Frost (1874–1963) American poet
As quoted in a review of A Swinger of Birches (1957) by Sydney Cox in Vermont History, Vol. 25 (1957), p. 355
1950s
Bertrand Russell (1872–1970) logician, one of the first analytic philosophers and political activist
1930s, The Conquest of Happiness (1930)
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln (1809–1865) 16th President of the United States
Attributed in Evan Esar (1949), The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations
Misattributed
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Draft manuscript (c.1881), quoted by Albert Bigelow Paine in Mark Twain: A Biography (1912), p. 724 http://books.google.com/books?id=2UYLAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA724#v=onepage&q&f=false <br class="br">Variant: Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
Steven Wright (1955) American actor and author
Terry Pratchett book Diggers
The Nome Trilogy (1989 - 1990)
Variant: The problem with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and putting things in it.
Source: Diggers (1990)
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck (1927–1996) When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent le…
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.”
Natalie Wood (1938–1981) American actress
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Variant: I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”
Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy pentalogy
Source: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”
Bertrand Russell (1872–1970) logician, one of the first analytic philosophers and political activist
“I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything about.”
Lord Goring, Act I
An Ideal Husband (1895)
“You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.”
Stephen King (1947) American author
Source: On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
Kristin Hannah book The Nightingale
Source: The Nightingale
“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
George V. Higgins book The Friends of Eddie Coyle
Source: The Friends of Eddie Coyle
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
“Love, Love, Love. All you need is love. Love is all you need.”
John Lennon (1940–1980) English singer and songwriter
“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
Bill Cosby (1937) American actor, comedian, author, producer, musician, activist
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
Mike Myers (1963) Canadian- British- American actor, comedian, singer, screenwriter, and film producer
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American actor and comedian
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
Willie Nelson (1933) American country music singer-songwriter.
“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”
Christopher Morley (1890–1957) American journalist, novelist, essayist and poet
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.”
Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet
Variant: Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American comedian
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
More Maxims of Mark (1927) edited by Merle Johnson
Variant: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
“I would like to die on Mars; just not on impact.”
Elon Musk (1971) South African-born American entrepreneur
[Vance, Ashley, Elon Musk, the 21st Century Industrialist, http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-13/elon-musk-the-21st-century-industrialist#p5, 14 September 2012, Bloomberg, 13 September 2012]
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917–2016) Hungarian-American socialite and actress
Newsweek, March 28, 1960
Len Deighton book London Match
London Match (London: Hutchinson, 1985) p. 18
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
Laurence J. Peter (1919–1990) Canadian eductor
Source: Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time (1977), p. 362
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Attributed to Markus Herz by Ernst von Feuchtersleben, Zur Diätetik der Seele (1841), p. 95 http://books.google.com/books?id=FLc6AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA95&dq=%22Lieber+Freund+Sie+werden+noch+einmal+an+einem+Druckfehler+sterben%22. First attributed to Twain in 1980s, as in The 637 best things anybody ever said, (1982), Robert Byrne, Atheneum. See talk page for more info. <br class="br">Misattributed <br class="br">Variant: Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
“I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) American stand-up comedian
Mitch All Together (2003)
“We are all on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for, I can't imagine.”
W. H. Auden (1907–1973) Anglo-American poet
Often cited as by Auden without attribution, this quotation has been traced to John Foster Hall (1867-1945), an English comedian known as the Reverend Vivian Foster, Vicar of Mirth. Full history with sound recording http://audensociety.org/vivianfoster.html <br class="br">Misattributed
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884–1962) American politician, diplomat, and activist, and First Lady of the United States
The quote is usually regarded as anonymous, but is often attributed to her on several websites, as well as in several books, including My Life Is an Open Book http://books.google.es/books?id=qCOa1k--dt4C&printsec=frontcover&hl=es#v=onepage&q=eleanor%20roosevelt&f=false (2008), The Spirituality of Mary Magdalene http://books.google.es/books?hl=es&id=BLRuINwzVZcC&dq=eleanor+roosevelt++%22past+is+history%22&q=eleanor+roosevelt#v=snippet&q=eleanor%20roosevelt&f=false (2008), Mis cuatro estaciones http://books.google.es/books?hl=es&id=QCgANqKq8EIC&dq=ayer+es+historia%2C+ma%C3%B1ana++misterio.+Hoy+regalo+de+Dios+presente&q=%22eleanor+roosevelt%22#v=snippet&q=%22eleanor%20roosevelt%22&f=false (2008), and Gilles Lamontagne http://books.google.es/books?ei=MdG9UqGQK-fL2wX5zYC4Dw&hl=es&id=WyFKAQAAIAAJ&dq=Hier+est+de+l%27histoire%2C+demain+est+un+myst%C3%A8re+et+aujourd%27hui+est+un+cadeau.+C%27+est+pourquoi+nous+l%27appelons+%C2%AB+le+pr%C3%A9sent+roosevelt&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=eleanor+roosevelt (2010). None of these works cite any original reference. <br class="br">Disputed
“…if it is art, it is not for all, and if it is for all, it is not art.”
Arnold Schoenberg book Style and Idea
from New Music, Outmoded Music, Style and Idea (1946); as quoted in Style and Idea (1985), p. 124
1940s
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
Notes on sourcing http://www.bartleby.com/73/1982.html <br class="br">Twain did say:<br>: "There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather that compels the stranger's admiration — and regret. The weather is always doing something there … In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours. ...<br>Yes, one of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it."<br>:* Speech at the dinner of New England Society in New York City (22 December 1876) <br class="br">Misattributed
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
Henny Youngman (1906–1998) American comedian
"The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)
Voltaire (1694–1778) French writer, historian, and philosopher
Il est défendu de tuer; tout meurtrier est puni, à moins qu’il n’ait tué en grande compagnie, et au son des trompettes.
"Rights" (1771)
Citas, Questions sur l'Encyclopédie (1770–1774)
““Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.”
Thomas Lansing Masson (1866–1934) American journalist
Thomas L. Masson, The Book of Today, (1923), as cited in: Clifton Fadiman (1955) The American treasury, 1455-1955. p. 791.
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917–2016) Hungarian-American socialite and actress
How to Catch a Man, Keep a Man, and Get Rid of a Man (Doubleday, 1970)
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) American comedian, actress, and television host
As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
“The wiser head gives in! An immortal phrase. It founds the world dominion of stupidity.”
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830–1916) Austrian writer
Der Gescheitere gibt nach! Ein unsterbliches Wort. Es begründet die Weltherrschaft der Dummheit.
Aphorisms (1893), p. 6
Mark Twain book Following the Equator
Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. XLIX
Following the Equator (1897)
“Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.”
George Bernard Shaw (1856–1950) Irish playwright
#17
1900s, Maxims for Revolutionists (1903)
“I'm too drunk to taste this chicken”
Harland Sanders (1890–1980) American entrepreneur and businessman
Ray Bradbury (1920–2012) American writer
The Paris Review interview (2010)
Context: Three things are in your head: First, everything you have experienced from the day of your birth until right now. Every single second, every single hour, every single day. Then, how you reacted to those events in the minute of their happening, whether they were disastrous or joyful. Those are two things you have in your mind to give you material. Then, separate from the living experiences are all the art experiences you’ve had, the things you’ve learned from other writers, artists, poets, film directors, and composers. So all of this is in your mind as a fabulous mulch and you have to bring it out. How do you do that? I did it by making lists of nouns and then asking, What does each noun mean? You can go and make up your own list right now and it would be different than mine. The night. The crickets. The train whistle. The basement. The attic. The tennis shoes. The fireworks. All these things are very personal. Then, when you get the list down, you begin to word-associate around it. You ask, Why did I put this word down? What does it mean to me? Why did I put this noun down and not some other word? Do this and you’re on your way to being a good writer. You can’t write for other people. You can’t write for the left or the right, this religion or that religion, or this belief or that belief. You have to write the way you see things.
“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. ”
Benjamin Franklin (1706–1790) American author, printer, political theorist, politician, postmaster, scientist, inventor, civic activist, …
“Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better.”
Ricky Gervais (1961) English comedian, actor, director, producer, musician, writer, and former radio presenter
“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
Ricky Gervais (1961) English comedian, actor, director, producer, musician, writer, and former radio presenter
“Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/07/19/heaven-for-climate/
Ellen DeGeneres (1958) American stand-up comedian, television host, and actress
Variant: My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
Winston S. Churchill (1874–1965) Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
Variant: I am easily satisfied with the very best.
Bill Watterson (1958) American comic artist
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
“Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.”
Quentin Crisp book The Naked Civil Servant
Source: The Naked Civil Servant (1968), Ch. 1
Context: Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level.
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American comedian
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”
Will Rogers (1879–1935) American humorist and entertainer
“To be or not to be. That's not really a question.”
Jean-Luc Godard (1930) French-Swiss film director, screenwriter and film critic