Steven Wright Quotes (178 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

Steven Wright: 178 quotes14 likes

Famous Steven Wright Quotes

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

Steven Wright

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

Steven Wright

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

Steven Wright

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

Steven Wright

“In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes about time

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

Steven Wright

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

Steven Wright

“Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Special (1985)

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes about people

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

Steven Wright

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

Steven Wright

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

Steven Wright

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal… The wings are knocking people over…”

Steven Wright

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

Steven Wright

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright: Trending quotes

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

Steven Wright

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

Steven Wright

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”

Steven Wright

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

Steven Wright

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

Steven Wright

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

Steven Wright

“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“What's another word for thesaurus?”

Steven Wright

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

Steven Wright

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

Steven Wright

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

Steven Wright

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

Steven Wright

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

Steven Wright

Variant: I went to a restaurant that serves «breakfast at any time». So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

Steven Wright

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

Steven Wright

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

Steven Wright

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

Steven Wright

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

Steven Wright

“When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.”

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

Steven Wright

“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

Steven Wright

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

Steven Wright

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

Steven Wright

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

Steven Wright

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

Steven Wright

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

Steven Wright

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

Steven Wright

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

Steven Wright

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

Steven Wright

“Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

Steven Wright

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

Steven Wright

“A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Special (1985)

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

Steven Wright

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

Steven Wright

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

Steven Wright

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Steven Wright

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

Steven Wright

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

Steven Wright

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

Steven Wright

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

Steven Wright

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

Steven Wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

Steven Wright

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

Steven Wright

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”

Steven Wright

“A metaphor is like a simile.”

Steven Wright

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

Steven Wright

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