“If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.'
Homer Simpson”
“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.”
“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows”
“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.”
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”
“My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.”
2010s, 2015, Remarks at the SMU 100th Spring Commencement (May 2015)
Context: To those of you who are graduating this afternoon with high honors, awards, and distinctions, I say, 'well done'. And as I like to tell the 'C' students: You, too, can be President.
“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”
“Life is ours to be spent, not to
be saved.”
“By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”
The Enemies of Reason, "The Irrational Health Service" [1.02], 20 August 2007, timecode 00:13:05"ff"
The Enemies of Reason (August 2007)
Variant: We should be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brain falls out.
“Here's to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!”
citation needed
Variation on an old Royal Navy wardroom toast: "Wives and Sweethearts! May they never meet!"[citation needed]
“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”
Speech at the Harvard Law School (1999), as quoted in "Appreciation : Charlton Heston" in TIME magazine (6 April 2008) http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1728272,00.html
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
“The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”
“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly”
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
"The Early Essays".
Source: Without Feathers (1975)
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”
“They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
As quoted in TIME magazine when "asked if she really had nothing on in the photograph [for a 1949 calendar]" ("Something for the Boys." Time 60, no. 6 (August 11, 1952): 90)
Variant: I had the radio on.
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”
As quoted in Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941) by Irving Stone, Ch. 6
“procrastination is the
art of keeping
up with yesterday”
certain maxims of archy
archy and mehitabel (1927)
“Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.”
The Yogi Book. New York: Workman Publishing. 1997. ISBN 0-7611-1090-9, p. 16
What Time Is It? You Mean Now?: Advice for Life from the Zennest Master of Them All, Simon and Schuster, 2003, ISBN 0743244532, p. 81.
Found in newspapers from the early twentieth century. Not attributed to Berra until 1962. See http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/08/29/too-crowded/
Disputed, Misattributed
Variant: It's so crowded, nobody goes there.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
"Your Boy and His Dog," Liberty magazine, (30 July 1932)
Also published in Chips Off the Old Benchley http://books.google.com/books?id=1-gHw9bqQqAC&q=%22A+dog+teaches+a+boy+fidelity+perseverance+and+to+turn+around+three+times+before+lying+down%22&pg=PA94#v=onepage (1949)
“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”
“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
“It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.”
Quoted in The Observer 13 April 1958
“Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.”
Source: Seriously... I'm Kidding
Broca's Brain (1979), p. 64 http://books.google.com/books?id=90DuAAAAMAAJ
Source: Broca's Brain: Reflections on the Romance of Science
Context: The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”
“Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
Demons Not Included
“Don't eat fruits or nuts. You are what you eat.”
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
Source: Me: Stories of My Life
“It pays to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out.”
In George R. R. Martin & Gardner Dozois (eds.) Rogues (p. 245)
Short fiction, A Year and a Day in Old Theradane (2014)
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”
Day 19: Cultivating Community
The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? (2002)
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”
Widely attributed to Dorothy Parker and to Ellen Parr, but the origin is unknown.
Attributed
“I think that Man in creating God somewhat overestimated his abilities.”
aphorism used in mRIF http://monochrom.at/mrif
“The business of business is business.”
Widely attributed to Milton Friedman, and sometimes cited as being in his work Capitalism and Freedom (1962) this is also attributed to Alfred P. Sloan, sometimes with citation of a statement of 1964, but sometimes with attestations to his use of it as a motto as early as 1923.
Disputed
“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”
As quoted in On the 8th Day — God Laughed (1995) by Gene Perret, p. 95.
“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today …… It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
Came from an online quiz falsely attributed to Schulz http://www.snopes.com/glurge/schulz.asp. However, in the 13 June 1980 Peanuts strip http://www.gocomics.com/peanuts/1980/06/13, Marcie does say "I promise there'll be a tomorrow, sir. In fact, it's already tomorrow in Australia."
Misattributed
“The future was not what it used to be.”
Source: Time Machines Repaired While-U-Wait (2008), Chapter 13 (p. 156)
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
E=MO² (1985)
in Press, Radio, Television, Periodicals, Public Relations, and Advertising, As Seen through Institutes and Special Occasions of the Henry W. Grady School of Journalism (1967) edited by John Eldridge Drewry.
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
As quoted in The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (2003), by R. Byrne, 94
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, you have never been in bed with a mosquito”
The earliest known example of this quote comes from a January 1993 article in Time magazine, where it is associated with British businesswoman Anita Roddick:: "Even Body Shop trucks are employed as rolling billboards for pithy slogans. Roddick's current favorite, taken from the side of one of her company's lorries: IF YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO SMALL TO HAVE AN IMPACT, TRY GOING TO BED WITH A MOSQUITO".
IN the 21st century, it was cited as an "African proverb". Earliest attribution to Dalai Lama is from 2004.
Disputed
Source: Philip Elmer-DeWitt, "Anita the Agitator" https://books.google.com/books?id=Cm7uAAAAMAAJ&dq=%22anita+roddick%22+mosquito&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=mosquito, Time, 1993-01-25
Source: https://indianinthemachine.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/if-you-think-youre-too-small-to-make-a-difference-try-sleeping-in-a-closed-room-with-a-mosquito-african-proverb/
Source: https://books.google.com/books?id=K8Q53xW1ie8C&pg=PA1&dq=%22too+small+to+make+a+difference%22+mosquito+lama&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjjxrTbkbnJAhVHLYgKHVfdB84Q6AEIIjAB#v=onepage&q=%22too%20small%20to%20make%20a%20difference%22%20mosquito%20lama&f=false
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
Other material for Lily Tomlin
Illustrated London News (16 July 1910)
The Leveling Wind: politics, the culture, and other news, 1990-1994 (c. 1994), Will, Viking; as cited in Quotable Quotes (1997), Editors of Reader’s Digest, Penguin : ISBN 1606525956
1990s
“My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.”
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Mitch All Together (2003)
“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”
Notebook L (1945) edited by Edmund Wilson
Quoted, Notebooks
“The business of business is business.”
Widely attributed to Friedman, and sometimes cited as being in his work Capitalism and Freedom (1962) this is also attributed to Alfred P. Sloan, sometimes with citation of a statement of 1964, but sometimes with attestations to his use of it as a motto as early as 1923.
Disputed
“There, but for the grace of God, goes God.”
On Orson Welles, quoted in the New York Times, 11 October 1985
On Comedy
Source: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/11/03/anchor-woman
“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's—she changes it oftener.”
Saturday Review of Literature, Volume 26 (1943), p. 4.
Attributed
The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over my body." ( [Corless, Robert J., Vision of Buddhism: The Space Under the Tree, http://books.google.com/books?hl=de&id=KecGAAAAYAAJ&q=sandwiches#search_anchor, 2013-03-07, 1998, Paragon House, 1557782008, 20, 362] )
Misattributed
“Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.”
As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 21
“All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.”
"The Knock at the Stage Door" in Reader's Digest (December 1933); also in A Dictionary of Catch Phrases : British and American, from the Sixteenth Century to the Present Day (1986) http://books.google.com.br/books?id=Nm3jbg0JalMC&pg=PA24&dq=All+the+things+I+really+like+to+do+are+either+illegal,+immoral,+or+fattening by Eric Partridge and Paul Beale, ISBN 041505916X, ISBN 9780415059169 .
“A lie will gallop halfway round the world before the truth has time to pull its breeches on.”
Memoirs of Cordell Hull (1948), 1:220
This is a variant of similar statements attributed earlier to Mark Twain, e.g., "A lie will fly around the whole world while the truth is getting its boots on." The oldest attribution (1831) is to Fisher Ames: “falsehood proceeds from Maine to Georgia, while truth is pulling on his boots”.
This is actually James Branch Cabell from The Silver Stallion (1926)
Misattributed
“A bore is a man who, when you ask how he is, tells you.”
The So-Called Human Race (1922), Quote from: 1001 quotations to inspire you before you die; Quintessence Editions Ltd., 2016, ISBN 978-1-84403-895-4
“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”
As quoted in: [J. L.] Elkhorne. Edison — The Fabulous Drone, in 73 Vol. XLVI, No. 3 (March 1967) http://www.arimi.it/wp-content/73/03_March_1967.pdf, p. 52
Disputed
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
As quoted in An Enemy Called Average (1990) by John L. Mason, p. 55.
Date unknown
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.”
On marriage, as quoted in "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments" https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/, The Telegraph (2 August 2017)
“It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
" Death (A Play) http://books.google.com/books?id=qjRaAAAAMAAJ&q=%22It's+not+that+I'm+afraid+to+die+I+just+don't+want+to+be+there+when+it+happens%22&pg=PA99#v=onepage".
Without Feathers (1975)
“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to use it in a fruit salad.”
O'Driscoll's widely quoted musing when asked to give his view on former Lions team mate and current England manager, Martin Johnson ahead of Ireland's Six Nations Championship match against England on 28 February 2009. Brendan Cole, " What Did BOD Mean? https://web.archive.org/web/20090228234200/http://www.rte.ie/ie/sportsixnations/entry/what_did_bod_mean", RTE Sport (February 27, 2009).
“I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.”
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
“ROSES ARE RED. VIOLETS ARE BLUE, I'M A SCHIZOPHRENIC AND so AM I”
He Made the saying popular on a T-Shirt he wore.
"Now Some Comic Relief" (1989)
“A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.”
A misreporting of an actual quote praising the trustworthiness of a colleague: "His verbal contract is worth more than the paper it's written on". The identity of the colleague is variously reported as Joseph M. Schenk in Paul F. Boller, John George, They Never Said It (1990), p. 42, or as Joseph L. Mankiewicz in Carol Easton, The Search for Sam Goldwyn (1976). Goldwyn himself was reportedly aware of - and pleased by - the misattribution.
Misattributed
“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”
Attributed to Naguib Mahfouz in: Thorntize (2009) The Handbook of Wisdom and Delight. p. 121
“You cannot be anything you want to be. But you can be everything God wants you to be.”
Source: Cure for the Common Life : Living In Your Sweet Spot (2005), p. 18
“There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
As quoted in Celebrity Register: An Irreverent Compendium of American Quotable Notables (1959) by Cleveland Amory.
“The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.”
Characters and Anecdotes book, 1771
“I don't think anybody should write his autobiography until after he's dead.”
Quoted in Arthur Marx, Goldwyn: The Man Behind the Myth (1976), prologue
“God is dead. Marx is dead. And I don’t feel so well myself.”
As quoted in Jewish American Literature : A Norton Anthology (2000) by Jules Chametzky, "Jewish Humor", p. 318
“You want to talk to someone: first open your ears.”
Introduction to "National Brotherhood Week"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)
“A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.”
Daniel Deronda (1876), Bk. 2, Ch. 15
“Man has his will,—but woman has her way!”
The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table (1858)
Context: Though fortune scowl, though prudence interfere,
One thing is certain: Love will triumph here!
Lords of creation, whom your ladies rule,—
The world's great masters, when you 're out of school,—
Learn the brief moral of our evening's play
Man has his will,—but woman has her way!
“But as long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”
"Playboy Interview: Dick Cavett", Playboy, March 1971, vol. 18, no. 3, p. 70
Context: I don't think you could say now that ABC is crasser than the other two networks. But as long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. It becomes an ever-descending spiral.
