Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (52 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

Jerry Seinfeld: 52 quotes8 likes

Famous Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap. When you stub your toe on the foot of the bed, that was a gap in knowledge. And the pain is a lot of information really quick. That's what pain is.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Season 6, Episode 5: Trevor Noah http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/trevor-noah-thats-the-whole-point-of-apartheid-jerry

“The biggest laugh has to come at the end.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Quoted in a video interview for The New York Times Magazine YouTube channel (20 December 2012)

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

Jerry Seinfeld

“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes about people

“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Variant: A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”

Jerry Seinfeld

“The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, "Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!" Once you put that helmet on them, "You're in the luge, buddy!" "aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA… aaaAAAAA…" World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“To me, America used to be a place that made steel, and cars, and had giant department stores. Now, basically, we produce amateur talent and people [who] judge amateur talent.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012 — Present), Season 3 (2014)

Jerry Seinfeld Funny quotes

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

Jerry Seinfeld

"Confessions of an unromantic man," Redbook magazine, Vol. 176, Iss. 4, (Feb 1991): 62.

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld: Trending quotes

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“The pitch for the show, the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later”

Jerry Seinfeld

Statement about the show Seinfeld, in "Jerry Seinfeld here. I will give you an answer." at Reddit (6 January 2014) https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1ujvrg/jerry_seinfeld_here_i_will_give_you_an_answer/ceitvvp <br class="br">Context: The pitch for the show, the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later, and Larry and I to this day are surprised that it caught on as a way that people describe the show, because to us it's the opposite of that.

“Economy is essential to all good fart.”

Jerry Seinfeld

As quoted in radio interview http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15771045 with Dave Davies, "Fresh Air", NPR (30 October 2007)

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)
Context: Men and women will never understand each other; my advice is to just stop trying. Just forget it. I know I will never understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

“I read that speaking in front of a crowd is the number-one fear in America. I found that amazing. Number two was death. Number two! That means that, if you're ever at a funeral, you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“The best revenge is living well.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Source: Halloween

“I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)
Context: What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren't many job interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the right man for the job; why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

“You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to…. To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, "I would like to order the Ginsu Knife."”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.”

Jerry Seinfeld

"Jerry Seinfeld, Online Force", in The New York Times (27 May 2015) http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/31/arts/television/jerry-seinfeld-online-force.html

“Why is McDonald's still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion…who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonald's, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonald's: We're Doing Very Well.'”

Jerry Seinfeld

We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."
I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“Men and women will never understand each other; my advice is to just stop trying. Just forget it. I know I will never understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root…and still be afraid of a spider.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“I'll tell you the greatest thing that I've ever achieved in my career: I was on the cover of Mad magazine. And of course, I'm saying "Hello Neuman."”

Jerry Seinfeld

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012 — Present), Season 3 (2014)