Chris Rock Quotes (61 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

https://twitter.com/chrisrock/status/220512157937315842 Twitter 2012-07-04, quoted in Chris Rock Lights Up Controversy With Fourth of July Tweet, 2012-07-06, ABC News http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/07/chris-rock-fires-up-controversy-with-fourth-of-july-tweet/, Miscellaneous

Chris Rock: Trending quotes

“I do what I can do when I can do it.”

Chris Rock

“If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.”

Chris Rock

“It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

Chris Rock Quotes

“Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?”

Chris Rock

“Men are as faithful as their options.”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)
Variant: A man is basically as faithful as his options.

“You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense”

Chris Rock

“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.”

Chris Rock

“Women need food, water, and compliments
That's right.
And an occasional pair of shoes.”

Chris Rock

“Men lie the most,

women tell the biggest lies.”

Chris Rock

“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”

Chris Rock

“You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”

Chris Rock

At the Academy Awards as host
Miscellaneous

“You mean to tell me that Jamaicans invented sugar, reggae and the best drug on Earth and the white man makes all the money!?”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (Album Version, 2005)

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C. B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.”

Chris Rock

Miscellaneous

“I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I'm at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

“The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow.”

Chris Rock

At the Academy Awards as host
Miscellaneous

“[on John McCain being too old] When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!”

Chris Rock

Kill the Messenger (2008)

“Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"”

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain (HBO, 1996)

“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

“You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.”

Chris Rock

In regards to fame https://web.archive.org/web/20070314185437/http://www.craveonline.com/humor/articles/04647576/everybody_loves_chris.html Miscellaneous

“When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy." Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby." And that's how life is decided in America.”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club and the sun is out, you got some problems!”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.”

Chris Rock

The Six Best Jokes From Wednesday Night's Chris Rock Show at MSG, 2008-05-02, 2008-05-05, New York Magazine http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/05/the_five_best_jokes_from_chris.html, Miscellaneous

“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!”

Chris Rock

Kill the Messenger (2008)

“If you said more words to him than "mommy'll be back", he might know something!”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

“George Bush hates midgets.”

Chris Rock

At a concert supporting Katrina Relief, in reference to Kanye West's comment
Miscellaneous

“Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!”

Chris Rock

Miscellaneous

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's trying keep the Feds off her back.”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain (HBO, 1996)

“What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? Well then they say, "well if you hire Johnnie Cochran, you're going to look guilty." Yeah, but you going home! You want to look innocent in jail? I'd rather look guilty at the mall.”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

“I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.”

Chris Rock

In an interview at Live Earth in London
Miscellaneous

“Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.”

Chris Rock

From Everybody Hates Chris second season episode, "Everybody Hates Chris"
Miscellaneous

“If the kid call his grandmama "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he going to jail!”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.”

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain (HBO, 1996)

“You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.”

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain (HBO, 1996)

“You mean to tell me that Hawaiians came up with pineapples, resorts, hula hoops, Magnum P. I. and the best damn punch in the world and they don't get no money from it!?”

Chris Rock

Never Scared (Album Version, 2005)

“Everybody want to know what the kids was listening to, what kind of music they was listening to, or what kind of movies they was watching. Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to CRAZY?”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (Album Version, 1999)

“On Desperate Housewives: I think they should change the name of that show from Desperate Housewives…to Ungrateful Bitches! You all are hoes bitch!”

Chris Rock

Kill the Messenger (2008)

“Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy?”

Chris Rock

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

“Nobody will play with us, we have no friends, we're the Trenchcoat Mafia.”

Chris Rock

The Trenchcoat Mafia.

Hell, I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of 'em! I ain't have six friends in high school. I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's 3-on-3 with a half-court!
Bigger and Blacker (Album Version, 1999)