Mitch Hedberg Quotes (101 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

Mitch Hedberg: Oh, I bet you do! Only don't think about the fact that there might be police around! What have you got there, we... dope? You fucking doper? [beat] Arrest that dude!!
Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“This shirt is "dry-clean only"… Which means it's dirty.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist… Alright.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

Mitch Hedberg

track 11, "Three Easy Payments"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"”

Mitch Hedberg

track 2, "Sandwiches"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man… People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!".”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are 2 trees involved. They said "Let's call this hotel 'Something Tree'". So they had a meeting, it was… It was quite short. "How 'bout 'Tree'?" "No." "'Double Tree'?" "Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'" "Well, we were almost there!”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?"”

Mitch Hedberg

"As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"
Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be… A thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" I said, "Oh no, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, bag 'em up!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs gala https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-zFQ9fOTSU&feature=youtu.be&t=3m15s, Hedberg's final Just For Laughs performance (2004)

“Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for "add sugar to."”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a. m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a. m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 a. m. and say "Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“Listerine hurts, man; when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…oh, wait it's at home…in the file…under 'D', for doughnut."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I saw a lady on T. V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders… and that was sad, but then they said "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse… In a way… Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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