Quotes about penis

A collection of quotes on the topic of penis, likeness, man, doing.

Quotes about penis

“Sex is like a beautiful meeting of genitalia. It's the dance of love between a penis and vagina.”

Snoop Dogg (1971) American rapper, singer-songwriter, record producer, and actor

Interview with BASE Magazine (April 2005).

“I arrived at the house one day, my mother being at work, and heard the sounds of Samuel plunging his penis into my sister’s vagina through her closed room door, along with my sister’s moans. I stood there and listened to it all. So my sister, who was four years younger than me, managed to lose her virginity before I did. It reminded me of how pathetic I was, that at the age of twenty-two, I was still a virgin.”

Elliot Rodger (1991–2014) American spree killer

My Twisted World (2014), Pastimes

Sister, Housing, Age

“When I put the penis in the vulva of my partner, strangely she almost always makes a comparison with a dildo … my chapel is too big not to enjoy.”

Rocco Siffredi (1964) Italian pornographic actor, director, producer and entrepreneur

from "The Zoo of 105"

Making love

“I cut my pubes last night. My hairs were getting longer than my penis.”

Howard Stern (1954) American radio personality

Stated at the beginning of his radio show on 13 September 2006.

Night

“The Internet doesn’t just offer opportunities for misogynistic abuse, you know. Penis enlargers can also be bought discreetly.”

Joanne K. Rowling (1965) British novelist, author of the Harry Potter series

8 May 2015 tweet, according to Hollywood Reporter http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/jk-rowling-burns-twitter-troll-794521 2010s

“I eventually grew to hate him after I heard him having sex with my sister. I arrived at the house one day, my mother being at work, and heard the sounds of Samuel plunging his penis into my sister’s vagina through her closed room door, along with my sister’s moans. I stood there and listened to it all. So my sister, who was four years younger than me, managed to lose her virginity before I did.”

Elliot Rodger (1991–2014) American spree killer

My Twisted World (2014), 19-22, UC Santa Barbara, Permavirgin

Sex, Sister, Housing, Hate

“I was the Sumerian god of fertility. You know what that means, don’t you? (Sin)
You have a lot of penis envy over the other fertility gods? Don’t worry. I won’t tell the other gods about your small penis problem. (Kat)”

Sherrilyn Kenyon (1965) Novelist

Source: Devil May Cry

God, Problem, Envy

“Hold up. How do youhave sex with somebody?” Adina scoffed. “Is she all, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see your penis there’?”

Libba Bray (1964) American teen writer

Source: Beauty Queens

Sex

“It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.”

David Sedaris When You Are Engulfed in Flames

Source: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“There is a great deal of difference between a penis and a heart.”

Patrick Rothfuss book The Wise Man's Fear

Variant: There is a great difference between being fearless and being brave.
Source: The Wise Man's Fear

Heart

“Women never bought Freud's idea of penis envy: who would want a shotgun when you can have an automatic?”

Natalie Angier (1958) American writer

Source: Woman: An Intimate Geography

Women, Idea, Envy

“Beware of the man who denounces woman writers; his penis is tiny and he cannot spell.”

Erica Jong (1942) Novelist, poet, memoirist, critic

“the sweet juices of your mouth
are like castles bathed in honey.
i've never had it done so gently before.
you have put a circle of castles
around my penis and you swirl them
like sunlight on the wings of birds.”

Richard Brautigan (1935–1984) American novelist, poet, and short story writer

Source: Trout Fishing in America / The Pill vs. the Springhill Mine Disaster / In Watermelon Sugar

Bird

“It took him a long, miserable time before he realized the truth of things: There is a great deal of difference between a penis and a heart.”

Patrick Rothfuss book The Wise Man's Fear

Source: The Wise Man's Fear

Truth, Time, Heart

“Life's like a penis; When it's soft you can't beat it; When it's hard you get screwed. - The Fat Man, Medical Resident in The House of God”

Samuel Shem book The House of God

Source: The House of God

Life, God, Housing

“The Beautiful Poem"

I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking
about you.

Pissing a few moments ago
I looked down at my penis
affectionately.

Knowing it has been inside
you twice today makes me
feel beautiful.”

Richard Brautigan (1935–1984) American novelist, poet, and short story writer

Source: The Pill vs. the Springhill Mine Disaster

Beauty, Angels, Feeling, Thinking

“Do you want to know why men name their penis? So the most important decisions in their life aren't made by a stranger.”

Linda Howard (1950) American writer

Source: After the Night

Life, Men, Decision

“She'd wear shades of lipstick you'd expect to see around the base of a penis.”

Chuck Palahniuk book Invisible Monsters

Source: Invisible Monsters

“I've given up men. It's true. At first, I was just going to give up attorneys, but that seemed immature - and far too exclusive, so I'm playing it safe and giving up all the penis-carrying humans.”

Jill Shalvis (1963) American writer

Source: Simply Irresistible

Men

“It's a penis,' Grandma said. 'Stephanie got it in the mail. It's a pretty good one too.”

Janet Evanovich Two for the Dough

Source: Two for the Dough

Grandma

“What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.”

David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day

Source: Me Talk Pretty One Day

“Ship, lady. This here’s a ship,” he said defensively, as if she’d told him, “Your penis: I find it minuscule.”

Kresley Cole American writer

Source: Pleasure of a Dark Prince

“I never wished I’d been a man. I always felt like a woman and wanted to be a woman. I wanted to be fulfilled professionally and personally, as a woman. There are some who might say I had penis envy, but I only had penis admiration.”

Bette Davis (1908–1989) film and television actress from the United States

Envy, Personality

“The marriage of David Brooks and the Democratic Leadership Council makes perfect sense. It's repugnant and the kind of thing one should shield young children from knowing about, but it makes perfect sense. Both prefer a policy of being "cautious soldiers," "incrementalists" who shun upheavals and vote the status quo, although they subscribe to this policy for different reasons. Brooks worships the status quo because he has no penis and wants to spend the rest of his life buying periwinkle bath towels without troubling interruptions of conscience. The DLC, a nonprofit created in the mid-1980s to help big business have a say in the Democratic Party platform, supports the status quo because they are paid agents of the commercial interests that define it. Moreover, Brooks and the DLC have this in common: While they both frown on the open flag-waving and ostentatious religiosity of the talk-radio right-wing as being gauche and in bad form, they're only truly offended by people of their own background who happen to be idealistic. Hence the recurring backlash by both against the various angry electoral challenges to the establishment of the Democratic Party.”

Matt Taibbi (1970) author and journalist

"David Brooks and the DLC: Best Friends Forever?", AlterNet (3 August 2006) http://web.archive.org/web/20060808224928/http://www.alternet.org/columnists/story/39862/

Life, Marriage, Children, People

“What started off as a party trick for the former builder has turned into an industry with requests from all over the world from people who want their likeness immortalised by one man's (not so big) penis.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

[Jani Meyer, Pricasso's creative party trick, Sunday Tribune, South Africa, 10 February 2008, 3, Independent Online]
About

People, World

“The penis -- if you think about it -- is the most enterprising engineering feat imaginable -- a cantilevered structure, hydraulics, propulsion, pistons, compression, inflation, heat sensitive -- practically every engineering characteristic -- towers, draw-bridges, rocket-ships -- no man-made engineering structure to match it.”

Peter Greenaway (1942) British film director

Philip
8 1/2 Women

Imagination, Thinking, Drawing

“Painted using my penis instead of a brush. A short video of that performance will be sold with the painting.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

Description of his portrait of Australia Prime Minister Julia Gillard, his submission to the Bald Archy Prize — cited in: [Artists brush up on wit for poke at awards, Canberra Times, 12 February 2011, Federal Capital Press of Australia Ltd., Australia]

Painting

“Your Highness is a juvenile excrescence that feels like the work of 11-year-old boys in love with dungeons, dragons, warrior women, pot, boobs and four-letter words. One of the heroes even wears the penis of a minotaur on a string around his neck. I hate it when that happens.”

Roger Ebert (1942–2013) American film critic, author, journalist, and TV presenter

Review http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/your-highness-2011 of Your Highness (April 6, 2011) Reviews, One-star reviews

Love, Women, Hate, Feeling

“The whole idea of men creating perfect robot women for their own pleasure, it happens every day. The most "beautiful" women you see in public, none of them are for real. They're just men perpetuating their perverted stereotypes of women. Just the oldest story in the world. There's a penis on every page of Cosmopolitan magazine if you know where to look.”

Chuck Palahniuk book Haunted

Source: Haunted (2005), Chapter 15, Speaking Bitterness, A Story by Comrade Snarky

Women, Men, Pleasure, World

“I stared down at the object in my lap. A skin-colored sphere the size of a giant beach ball, with breasts on top and a mouth between the breasts. At the bottom were the generous buttocks, a crinkly anus and a vaginal passage containing my rapidly limpening penis. Was this safe?”

Rudy Rucker (1946) American mathematician, computer scientist, science fiction author and philosopher

Source: The Sex Sphere (1983), p. 65

Color

“You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.”

Jon Stewart (1962) American political satirist, writer, television host, actor, media critic and stand-up comedian

Cosmopolitan, January 1999, on embarrassing dates.

Girl, Night

“Proof that the penis is a much later development than the female vulva is found in the evidence that the male himself was a late mutation from an original female creature. For man is but an imperfect female. Geneticists and physiologists tell us that the Y chromosome that produces males is a deformed and broken X chromosome — the female chromosome. All women have two X chromosomes, while the male has one X derived from his mother and one Y from his father. It seems very logical that this small and twisted Y chromosome is a genetic error — an accident of nature, and that originally there was only one sex — the female.”

Elizabeth Gould Davis book The First Sex

The First Sex, ch. 1 - Woman and the Second Sex (1971).

Women, Sex, Error, Nature

“If you're a young man, you know, you live in a sexual tyranny anyway and your penis is Kim Jong. Sex decides everything. You can have a car crash. You lie in the ditch thinking: "What is the erotic twist in the situation? I can't quite seem to see it yet."”

Dylan Moran (1971) Irish actor and comedian

on men.
Yeah, Yeah (2011)

Lie, Sex, Cars, Thinking

“[During 'If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question' -- the answer is "24%"] Is it "What is the proportion of my penis that is medically safe for a woman to accommodate?"”

Ed Byrne (1972) Irish comedian

Mock the Week

Question

“I'm very concerned because I think the Jews want to drive the elephants to extinction because the trunk of an elephant reminds them of an uncircumcised penis. I'm absolutely serious about that… Jews are sick, they're mental cases.”

Bobby Fischer (1943–2008) American chess prodigy, chess player, and chess writer

Source: Radio Interview, July 6 2001 http://www.geocities.jp/bobbby_b/mp3/F_18_1.MP3

Thinking

“Hypothetical: Shipwrecked and eating a penis- …I'll look for something else. We're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob?”

Karl Pilkington (1972) English television personality, social commentator, actor, author and former radio producer

Podcast Series 3 Episode 3
On Food

Water

“I saw my father's penis once. But it was okay, because I was soooo young … and sooo drunk.”

Sarah Silverman (1970) American comedian and actress

Jesus Is Magic (2005)

“Mayor Helen Zille has shrugged off the news that her portrait has been painted by an 'artist' who uses his penis as a brush, saying it is his constitutional right to exercise his freedom of expression 'in this unusual way.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

[Cape Argus staff, Artist uses a different stroke on Zille portrait, Cape Argus, South Africa, 7 May 2008, 3, Independent Online]
About

Way, Exercises, Freedom, Painting

“After serving about 2 years there I was pronounced by the parole board to be a nice, clean boy of good morals, as pure as lily and a credit to those in authority in the istatution where I had been sent to be reformed. Yes sure I was reformed all right, dam good and reformed too. When I got out of there I knew all about Jesus and the bible so much so that I knew it was all a lot of hot air. But that wasn’t all I knew. I had been taught by christians how to be a hypocrite and I had learned more about stealing, lying, hating, burning and killing. I had learned that a boys penis could be use for something besides to urinate with and that a rectum could be use for other purposes than crepitating. Oh yes I had learned a hell of a lot, from my expert instructors furnished to me free of charge by society in general and the state of Minnesota in particular. From the treatment I recieved while there and the lessons I learned from it, I had fully desided when I left there just how I would live my life. I made up my mind that I would rob, burn, destroy and kill every where I went and everybody I could as long as I lived. That’s the way I was reformed in the Minnesota State Training School. Thats the reasons why.”

Carl Panzram (1891–1930) American serial killer

sic
Lustmord: The Writings and Artifacts of Murderers, p. 172, (1997), Brian King, ed. ISBN 096503240X

Life, Hate, School, Way

“I always saw people painting with their arms and feet and I didn't understand why anyone didn't paint with their penis.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

[Daily News staff, Daily News, South Africa, Portraiture painful for penile artist, 24 August 2011, 2, Independent Online]

People, Understanding, Painting

“It's a penis," Margo said, "in the same sense that Rhode Island is a state: it may have an illustrious history, but it sure isn't big.”

John Green book Paper Towns

Margo Roth Spiegelman, p. 41
Paper Towns (2008)

History, Sense

“He also videotapes every painting he does to prove to people that he actually did it with his penis.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

[Jani Meyer, Pricasso's creative party trick, Sunday Tribune, South Africa, 10 February 2008, 3, Independent Online]
About

People, Painting

“Pricasso, who has been painting with his penis for six years, said painting with his penis could be painful, but he had resorted to making his own non-toxic, washable paint.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

[Daily News staff, Daily News, South Africa, Portraiture painful for penile artist, 24 August 2011, 2, Independent Online]
About

Pain, Painting

“Of course people who don't believe in masturbation are all for circumcision, because it's very difficult to masturbate if you're circumcised. Whereas if you're uncircumcised you can slide that skin up & down the penis & it makes it feel almost like it's inside of a woman in your fist!”

David Berg (1919–1994) Children of God founder

Uncircumcision! To be, or not to be?

People, Feeling

“The city of Taneshar is highly venerated by Hindus. The idol of that place is called Cakrasvamin, i. e. the owner of the cakra, a weapon which we have already described. It is of bronze, and is nearly the size of a man. It is now lying in the hippodrome in Ghazna, together with the Lord of Somanath, which is a representation of the penis of Mahadeva, called Linga.”

Mahmud of Ghazni (971–1030) Sultan of Ghazni

E.C. Sachau (tr.), Alberuni's India, New Delhi Reprint, 1983 p. 117.
Quotes from Muslim medieval histories

Lying

“A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis. And I thought, "Oh my God — I'm turning into my mother!"”

Sarah Silverman (1970) American comedian and actress

Jesus Is Magic (2005)

God, Night

“He uses his penis, scrotum and buttocks to create his masterpieces.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

[The Star staff, Pricasso's the name, painting the game, 28 September 2012, 3, The Star, South Africa, Independent Online]
About

“Chinese medicine, oh, Chinese medicine! "But there are billions of Chinese, Chinese medicine must be working." Here's the skinny on Chinese medicine. A hundred years ago the average life expectancy in China was 30. The life expectancy in China at the moment is 73. And it's not feckin' tiger penis that turned it around for the Chinese. Didn't do much for the tiger, if you don't mind me pointing out.”

Dara Ó Briain (1972) Irish comedian and television presenter

Dara Ó Briain Talks Funny: Live in London (2008)

Life

“The study's leaders claim to have bona fide research — I say "bonified" probably here — bonified research that says the average size of a penis is roughly 10% smaller than it was 50 years ago, and the researchers say air pollution is why. Air pollution, global warming has been shown to negatively impact penis size, Italian researchers. I don't buy this, I think it's feminism. If it's tied to the last 50 years — the average size of a member is 10 percent smaller than 50 years — it has to be the feminazis, the chickification and everything else. Give 'em time and they'll blame Bush. Give 'em time. But air pollution vs. feminazis? Ha!”

Rush Limbaugh (1951) U.S. radio talk show host, Commentator, author, and television personality

The Rush Limbaugh Show
2012-09-20
Radio, quoted in [2012-09-20, Limbaugh: Penises Now '10 Percent Smaller' and Shrinking Because of 'Feminazis', David, Crooks and Liars, http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/limbaugh-penises-now-10-percent-smaller-and-]

Thinking, Study, Time

“Because of the nature of the penis, men have performance anxiety, whereas no woman ever has to prove herself in this way. So men's egos are totally involved in performance, in doing, achieving. An erection is a kind of achievement. So is peeing. As I've said, a boy has to learn to aim in order to no longer be infantile. So it's an accomplishment. The male orgasm is short-lived and transient — and that's the irony of men's sexuality. It's ironic that feminism looks at the penis as power and violence when in fact it is very weak.”

Camille Paglia (1947) American writer

Playboy interview (May 1995)

Men, Way, Boy, Nature

“My work cuts like a steel blade at the base of a man's penis.”

Angela Carter (1940–1992) English novelist

Response to a student's question in her writing class, as quoted by Louis Menand in the New Yorker (June 8-15, 2009), p. 112.

“And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Robin Williams (1951–2014) American actor and stand-up comedian

Robin Williams: Live on Broadway (2002)

God, Time

“The only bodily organ which is really regarded as inferior is the atrophied penis, a girls clitoris.”

Sigmund Freud (1856–1939) Austrian neurologist known as the founding father of psychoanalysis

Lecture 31, "The Dissection of the Psychical Personality' (1933). 1930s, "New Introductory Lectures on Psycho-analysis" https://books.google.com/books/about/New_Introductory_Lectures_on_Psycho_anal.html?id=hIqaep1qKRYC&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&q&f=false (1933)

Girl

“Pricasso had a long line of people waiting to pay him to paint with his penis. The former builder said he had always been talented at drawing but five years ago came up with the idea of creating art with a different type of implement.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

[Ellen Lutton, Sexpo draws crowds... and then they're painted, The Sun-Herald, Sydney, Australia, 7 March 2010, 25, Fairfax Media Publications Pty Limited.]
About

People, Art, Idea, Waiting

“Of all the exhibitions, Pricasso, the flamboyant painter who uses his penis as his tool of trade, drew, by far, the largest crowds.”

Pricasso (1949) Australian painter

['Pricasso' draws crowds at Sexpo, The Mercury, South Africa, 8 February 2008, 4, Independent Online, Bronwyn Gerretsen]
About

“Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, “Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?””

Dave Attell (1965) comedian

"Skanks for the Memories"

Thinking, Night

“Before it was over, I had built a mission in Chilibre, a small village with black Jamaicans and brown Panamanians, and one at the Palo Seco Leper Colony. They had been waiting for someone like me all their life. We built a church out of palm trees and mango leaves. We sang in Spanish and in English and occasionally I played my clarinet for them and warned them against civilization. I told them to stay out of Panama City, to lay off their home brew made from masticated corn and to quit smoking coco leaves. In return, I no longer went to movies, quit playing jazz and didn’t touch my penis except to piss for two whole years. They elected me to the Board of Deacons at the First Baptist Church in Balboa after I became so successful in the jungle. They even sent some of my color slides to the churches back home and told them that a “Mexican Billy Graham” was converting natives right and left. In exchange the Southern Baptists sent Pastor Beebee more money to make new additions to the church. It already looked like an old mansion on a southern plantation.”

Oscar Zeta Acosta book Autobiography of a Brown Buffalo

Source: Autobiography of a Brown Buffalo (1972), p. 133.

Life, Money, Color, Home

“I was asking the school shrink, 'Has anyone ever told you the top of your head looks like a penis?' I thought that was a really funny thing to tell a bald shrink.”

Art Spiegelman (1948) cartoonist from the United States

As quoted in "Breakfast with the FT: Art Spiegelman 'Drawn from Memory'" in Financial Times (29 November 2008).

School

“Some of the [band's] work has a genuine feeling behind it. Some of it is probably just being funny for the sake of being funny. Obviously, there are elements to "Detachable [Penis]" about male identity that are there, but not really overtly there. For the person who wants to find it, it's there. I don't know. I don't think… I like to think I'm not obvious about the humor, and I'm not obvious about the feelings, either. There's a certain degree of subtlety to what I'm doing; even in very obvious things, there's something underneath that's interesting. I think [the band is] guilty of being clever at times, to the detriment of conveying something more important, more real, more honest. I'll cop to that. But I will also say that there's also stuff that does have meaning.”

John S. Hall (1960) Poet, author, singer, lawyer

Interview by Stephen Thompson, The A.V. Club, November 11, 1998 ( link http://www.avclub.com/content/node/23128) Quotes from interviews

Feeling, Thinking, Time, Personality

“They loved that I put a bone through my nose. They loved that I had my penis pushed back inside me.”

Bruce Parry (1969) British documentarian

As quoted in "Do you really want to be in our tribe?" in The Telegraph (1 March 2005)

Love

“Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.”

Dave Attell (1965) comedian

Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell

People, Business

“We are stripped of authority and reduced and devaluated and silenced. Silenced here means that the purposes of the First Amendment, premised upon conditions presumed and promoted by protecting free speech, do not pertain to women because they are not our conditions. Consider them: individual self-fulfillment – how does pornography promote our individual self-fulfillment? How does sexual inequality even permit it? Even if she can form words, who listens to a woman with a penis in her mouth?”

Catharine A. MacKinnon (1946) American feminist and legal activist

"Francis Biddle's Sister: Pornography, Civil Rights, and Speech" (1984), p. 193
Feminism Unmodified: Discourses on Life and Law (1987)

Women, Silence

“Women don't suffer from penis envy. Men do.”

Joseph Heller book Something Happened

Something Happened (1974)

Women, Men, Suffering, Envy

“It's just a penis, it's just a bit of flesh, just this one organ, people think makes you superior to another sex.”

Sarah Maple (1985) British artist

"Sarah Maple interviewed by Anousha Nzume at the Women Inc. Festival" (5 March 2011) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4oXs_BzmUw

People, Sex, Thinking

“The Turks would do anything with a captured screaming infidel body - make it chew its own penis, thrust the testicles up the anus, saw the noseless earless head off with slow delicacy.”

Anthony Burgess (1917–1993) English writer

Fiction, Napoleon Symphony (1974)

“Bill O'Reilly settled his sexual harassment suit out-of-court this week. This is what he had to say about it on Thursday's O'Reilly Factor:
This brutal ordeal is now officially over and I will never speak of it again.
But I will! 'Cause I like the part about you wanting to rub falafel on that lady's boobs and the part about how you love vibrators, and the part about how you believed it when a prostitute told you you had a big penis? I love all those parts and I'm gonna keep talkin' about them. A lot.”

Tina Fey (1970) American comedian, writer, producer and actress

SNL, 2004-10-30 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMVxjiIntM0

Love, Parting

“Harry Dresden: This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than all of ours put together.”

Jim Butcher The Dresden Files

Source: The Dresden Files, Turn Coat (2009), Chapter 49

“I told him, "We're all gay. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I'm like, "Yeah, you are and I'll prove it." He goes, "Fine, prove it." I'm like, "All right, do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I'm, "Oh, o you only watch two women together?" He goes, "No, I'll watch a man and a woman making love." I said, "Oh, do you like the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?"”

Ron White (1956) American comedian

He said, "No, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause, applause) ...I did not know that about myself."
You Can't Fix Stupid

Love, Women, Making love, Guy

“So it was that my most impressionable years of boyhood were spent gazing at not a whale, but a whale's penis. Whenever I tired of strolling through the chill aisles of the aquarium, I'd steal off to my place on the bench of the high-ceilinged stillness of the exhibition room and spend hours on end there contemplating this whale's penis.”

Haruki Murakami (1949) Japanese author, novelist

Source: A Wild Sheep Chase: A Novel (1982), Chapter 4: The Whale's Penis and the Woman with Three Occupations

“Let me buy a [security] pass … so that they can scan me and and search me and measure my penis, then let me get on the plane.”

James Carville (1944) political writer, consultant and United States Marine

The Tony Kornheiser Show (January 15, 2010)

“Having spelling errors is one thing, but c'mon. I've typed out more coherent sentences with my penis.”

Maddox (1978) American internet writer

The Best Page in the Universe

Error

“Nothing else exists for them [Psychiatrists] in the universe beyond enormous mothers and fathers, colossal, almost cosmic, and a child reduced to an anus, penis, and mouth who maintains with these two unbearable creatures a singular relationship from which are excluded spontaneity and joy.”

António Lobo Antunes (1942) Portuguese writer

Source: Knowledge of Hell (2008), p. 191

Universe, Joy

“I was able to compare the sexual equipment of the various men I made love with and there were amazing differences, in both length and massiveness. One handsome married man, who used to arrive with two Danishes from a very good bakery, had a penis about the size and shape of a lead pencil; he shall remain nameless. In my experience there was usually a relation to height, as Philip Rahv and Bill Mangold, both tall men, bore out. There may be dwarfish men with monstrously large organs, but I have never known one. It was not until later, after my second divorce, that I met an impotent man or a pervert (two of the latter)… None of my partners, the reader will be relieved to hear, had a venereal disease.”

Mary McCarthy (1912–1989) American writer

Source: Intellectual Memoirs: New York 1936–1938 (1992), Ch. 2

Love, Men, Disease

“I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time; it's detachable.”

John S. Hall (1960) Poet, author, singer, lawyer

Lyrics, Happy Hour (1992)

Time

“I'm a libertarian, which means I'm against the government doing almost anything. But citizens having arsenals? No, that is the kind of rough stuff I would like the government to get involved in…. It just seems the debate, — you know, they will not give an inch. There are many attempts to pass a law in states just requesting a limit of buying one gun a month, and it doesn't pass. People are like, "What about Christmas?" I mean, one gun a month. If you started when you were 18, by the time you were 60 that's over a thousand guns. I don't care how small your penis is, that should be enough guns.”

Bill Maher (1956) American stand-up comedian

Be More Cynical (2000)

People, Law, Time, Christmas

“It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small boy to carry it.”

Maddox (1978) American internet writer

Unintentionally sexual comic book covers http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=uscc_part1 The Best Page in the Universe

Dreams, Boy

“Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.”

Dave Attell (1965) comedian

"Captain Miserable"

Idea, Freedom

Al-Biruni book Alberuni's India

E.C. Sachau (tr.), Alberuni's India, New Delhi Reprint, 1983 p. 117.
From Alberuni's India

Lying

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”

Chelsea Handler (1975) American comedian, actress, author and talk show host

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

Men, Guy, Girl

“It is easy to remember the three-fold formula of success in a sexual union: size, time and temperament. Vatsayana has given his candid opinion about licking the vulva and sucking the penis. Licking the vulva is not forbidden by the acharyas or texts, if it is custom of the country…There are many countries where mouth congress is enjoyed.”

Vātsyāyana Indian logician

Source: Literary Vision, p. 165

Success, Time, Country

“Men renounce whatever they have in common with women so as to experience no commonality with women; and whatis left according to men, is one piece of flesh a few inches long, the penis.”

Andrea Dworkin (1946–2005) Feminist writer

Pornography, Men Possessing Women (1979)

Women, Men

“It is a cliche that the gun is a penis-symbol as well as a weapon. Gun organizations are conventionally masculine in cultural style; hunting and gun magazines dress their models in check shirts and boots to emphasize their masculinity. The gun lobby hardly has to labour the inference that politicians trying to take away our guns are emasculating us. At both symbolic and practical levels, the defense of gun ownership is a defence of hegemonic masculinity.”

Raewyn Connell book Masculinities

Source: Masculinities (1995), Chapter 9

“Thankfully, I've never had to use the insurance policy. And although a million dollars is a lot of money, to me, my penis is priceless.”

Keiran Lee (1984) British pornographic film actor, director and producer

"The Porn Star With The Million Dollar Penis Tells Us About, Well, His Penis" (July 22, 2016)

Money

“This idea that we're not any gender when we're born is very new and very radical that you're born, it's just jump ball, you have a penis, it could mean you’re a boy That's a very new idea and I'm not sure if I'm down with all of it and I don't have to be.”

Bill Maher (1956) American stand-up comedian

Source: Andrew Yang & John McWhorter on Dave Chappelle and 'Transphobia', (2021)

Boy, Idea