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Chelsea Handler Quotes

Chelsea Joy Handler is an American comedian, actress, writer, television host, and producer. She hosted the late-night talk show Chelsea Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2014, and released a documentary series, Chelsea Does, on Netflix in January 2016. In 2012, Time named Handler one of the 100 most influential people in the world on their annual Time 100 list.

In May 2016, she began her new talk show, Chelsea, on Netflix.

✵ 25. February 1975  •  Other names چلسی هندلر, تشيلسي هاندلر, 雀兒喜·漢德勒, 切尔西·汉德勒, 切爾西·漢德勒
Chelsea Handler photo

Works

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me
Chelsea Handler: 35 quotes0 likes

Famous Chelsea Handler Quotes

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

Chelsea Handler book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)
Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?”

Chelsea Handler book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Chelsea Handler Quotes about people

“Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”

Chelsea Handler book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Chelsea Handler Quotes about drinking

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

Chelsea Handler book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”

Chelsea Handler book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”

Chelsea Handler

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

Chelsea Handler Quotes

“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”

Chelsea Handler Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me

Source: Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me

“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her.”

Chelsea Handler

That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (2005)

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

Chelsea Handler

“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (2005)

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

Chelsea Handler book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Source: Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (2005)

“… some of the best sex I can barely remember.”

Chelsea Handler

“Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”

Chelsea Handler book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Source: Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second… or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”

Chelsea Handler

“I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.”

Chelsea Handler book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)
Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.”

Chelsea Handler

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”

Chelsea Handler

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

“It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.”

Chelsea Handler

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

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