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Dylan Moran Quotes

Dylan William Moran is an Irish comedian, writer, actor, filmmaker and artist. He is best known for his observational comedy, the television sitcom Black Books and his work with Simon Pegg in Shaun of the Dead and Run Fatboy Run. He appeared as one of the two lead characters in the Irish black comedy titled A Film with Me in It in 2008.

Moran's most recent film is Calvary, an Irish black comedy drama film written and directed by John Michael McDonagh. Moran is a regular performer at national and international comedy festivals including the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Just for Laughs Montreal Comedy Festival, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and the Kilkenny Comedy Festival. In 2007, Moran was voted the 17th-greatest stand-up comic on Channel 4's 100 Greatest Stand-Ups and again in the updated 2010 list as the 14th-greatest stand-up comic. He lives in Edinburgh with his wife, Elaine, and two children. Wikipedia  

✵ 3. November 1971
Dylan Moran photo
Dylan Moran: 120 quotes2 likes

Famous Dylan Moran Quotes

“Everybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.”

Dylan Moran

On taking pics.
Monster (2004)

“You laugh at the North, you think they’re all funny little short people who live in a big pie. Trying to sort out their relationship with the definite article. Throwing darts at their dinner.”

Dylan Moran

on Northern people.
Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“I got bored of the tedious conversations, talking to the dealer in a stairwell where you're not supposed to be, then going back to a depressing room and spending nine hours locked up going "eeerh", then going back to get more with what little money you have left.”

Dylan Moran

On drugs.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like, ahm… One eye, you probably only need one. A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth, because they just give you grief in the end, you know. And a long, long tube with my arse way over there so I don't have to deal with it. That would be ideal.”

Dylan Moran

Describing ideal body.
Monster (2004)

“I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust, key stuff, a perilous loss.”

Dylan Moran

on social networking sites like Facebook
Other

Dylan Moran Quotes about people

“This is from my granny. She was a beautiful, spiritual person. She always used to say: "Doesn't matter how big the fucker is. They all have a neck." Another thing she used to say was: "Never get involved with more than 11 people sexually at one time. You cannot keep everybody happy. Work on the farm deteriorates almost immediately. Don’t do that."”

Dylan Moran

Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it’s dry. There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people, you know this. They’re just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“That’s why adults are confused a lot of the time. Adults are terribly confused, messed up people. That’s because they forget, really, that they don’t have to pretend all the time. Really, the fact is that you’re not an adult at all - you’re just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don’t understand… "The Middle East? Yeah, I know it was really bad. I wouldn’t have done that. A hysterectomy? Yeah, very painful, the shoulder is a very painful area."”

Dylan Moran

On adults.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Where is the cake? Cake is the language of love. I don't see any cakes in the building. You know, people say that to you: "I love you, I love you!"”

Dylan Moran

Yeah? Gimme a fuckin' eclair.
What It Is (2009)

“People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People— I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here… Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!”

Dylan Moran

On implants.
Monster (2004)

“People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: "Be realistic!"[…] You never hear someone go "Be realistic! Let me oil you."”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

Dylan Moran Quotes about time

“99,9% of men are convinced that they have to live silently, with a bitter irony of the twist of fate, that means, nobody knows they're really a spy. And an amazing guitarist. Men give serious time and thought on "How would I deal with, if the rocket came down of that alley right now? Yeah, I'd handle that situation pretty well!" A spy who plays guitar at night! I basically think, you know, I'm what would have happened if James Dean had lived and discovered carbohydrates and orthopaedic shoes. You have to tell yourself this bullshit just to keep going! Cause you're constantly being reminded how redundant you are!”

Dylan Moran

On men.
What It Is (2009)

“You should stay away from your potential. I mean, that is something you should leave absolutely alone! You’ll mess it up! It’s potential, leave it! And anyway, it’s like your bank balance, you know: you always have much less than you think. […] Leave it as the locked door within yourself and then at least, in your mind, the interior will always be palatial. Wonderful gleaming marble floors, brocaded drapes. Mullioned windows, covered in mullions, whatever they are. Flamingos serving drinks. Pianos shooting out canapés into the mouths of elegant men and women who are exchanging witticisms… "Oh yes, this reminds me of the time I was in BudaPESHT with Binky… We were trying to steal a goose from the casino, muahahaha…" But it wont be like that[…] You don't want to find out that the most you could possibly achieve, if you gave it your all, if you harvested every screed of energy within you, and devoted yourself to improving yourself, that all you would get to, would be maybe eating less cheesy snacks.”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps, that can take some time”

Dylan Moran

On testicular cancer.
Monster (2004)

“Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“I'm waiting 'til they get all this kit in one six by three inch lump of metal and you just stick it up your arse and it does everything for you. You get music all the time, everything's in vivid colour, your taste and all your hearing is enhanced, and you never have to do anything ever again. You can stay in bed and just live in this vortex of sensation.”

Dylan Moran

on being asked by Jonathan Ross about modern technology
Other

“Or when people break up, they always use a bunch of lines on each other, you know, terrible rubbish lies, like "It’s not you, it’s me, it’s me." It’s NEVER you, it’s always them! You should level with these people! Tell them! "You know that strange sound you used to hear when you were going to sleep? That was me CHEWING the bed, out of sheer boredom! OOOOHH, How I HATE you, I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to get up early in the morning to hate you because there isn’t time enough in the day. Please, GO AWAY!" Or that other BULLSHIT: "I need more space!" People never quantify exactly how much space they really need.. do they? But strangely enough, it always seems to be the exact same height, depth and breadth as you.”

Dylan Moran

On breakups.
Monster (2004)

Dylan Moran: Trending quotes

“Because that's still how Irish people are seen, as twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm, high-stepping it around the world, going 'I'll paint your house now, but watch out, I might steal the ladder later, ohohoho!”

Dylan Moran

Which is only half true!
On prejudices about Irish people.
Like, Totally (2006)

“If you're a young man, you know, you live in a sexual tyranny anyway and your penis is Kim Jong. Sex decides everything. You can have a car crash. You lie in the ditch thinking: "What is the erotic twist in the situation? I can't quite seem to see it yet."”

Dylan Moran

on men.
Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“So, what else is going on? Music? Fine, here is The Beatles, The Stones come here later this evening, there is The Velvet Underground, Janis Joplin has just gone to lunch. So, do you want something to do in between now and then, I'd grow my hair and fornicate if I were you.”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

Dylan Moran Quotes

“I asked a women I was with once, simple question, I asked her 'Have you ever eaten pheasant?' See, it's direct, isn't it?! It's enclosed, it contains everything that needs to be said! And she said a wonderful thing. She said "Erm…"—she thought about it—and she said "Er, not really." What does that mean? On any level? I mean, did you suck it and throw it away? Did someone drop it in your drink? What happened? Was it a speeding car, one lick? WHAT, WHAT?!?!”

Dylan Moran

On women.
Monster (2004)

“You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!”

Dylan Moran

On getting old.
What It Is (2009)

“I remember when singers were singers. Ugly people. Aretha Franklin needed a lot of room to eat her chicken wings. Janis Joplin used to come out in clothes woven from her own vomit. Nina Simone, amazing singer, could look at a railway track and buckle it. It didn’t matter; They were beautiful people because of what they could do.”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“The meaning of the word "gay" has changed. It used to mean all colourful and happy and homosexual, but now it's a word children use to describe something that's a little bit meh. "You're eating Weetabix? Oh, that's so gay."”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“Cool, calm, and unemotional. Protestant, for short. It's a fantastic religion, it makes absolutely no demands upon you at all, which is why it's not a great religion. All great religions are built on shame. You don't have any of that if you're Protestant. You go to the church, sing a few hymns, have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank.”

Dylan Moran

On Protestants.
Like, Totally (2006)

“You see the button with the picture of the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! …And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land."”

Dylan Moran

On hotel room telephone.
Monster (2004)

“Then this song came on—I will never forget it—it was called "The Funk Soul Brother." And I will always remember that because it was also all of the lyrics… and, er, it was that school of songwriting, you know, very easy on the words in case they get wasted, I don't know what— there's a shortage, and… it sounded like a million fire engines chasing ten million ambulances through a war zone and was played at a volume that made the empty chair beside me bleed. And it went, erm, "Funk soul brother… right about now… yeah… it's the, it's the funk soul brother… check it out. It's, er, well… it's the funk soul brother, essentially. He's, er, he's coming. He's coming at you. It's the… well… it's the funk soul brother." And after a while, I began to penetrate the meaning of this song, you know? I gathered that somebody was about to arrive, and everybody else was terribly excited—maybe he was bringing cake, or something, they didn't say—but the thing was, you see, he wasn't there yet. Ha ha, that was the hook! And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.”

Dylan Moran

On The Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim
Monster (2004)

“Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!”

Dylan Moran

On modern parenting
What It Is (2009)

“They tell you, you can get everything you need from pulses and lentils and things like that. Yeah. Everything you need, except company, which is not to be had, because you are dying, bent double in a miasma of your own toxic farts.”

Dylan Moran

on Green Party
Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“Days are stupid length. They are just long enough to get regret and then you have to go to bed.”

Dylan Moran

on days.
Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“I have tried… believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“You ask women, “You know how painful is it? What are talking about here?” And you don’t get an answer, you get anger… and it always starts with the melon…“IMAGINE A MELON!… COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE!… fuckin' stay there, I’ll get a melon!””

Dylan Moran

On asking women about childbirth.
What It Is (2009)

“You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!”

Dylan Moran

On men.
Monster (2004)

“The truth is that women are like chick peas under a psychopath's hat. They can be cherishable and zingy and suprising. But you ask too many questions and you get killed.”

Dylan Moran

Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“The ultimate human shopping list: I’d like some illegal, some forbidden, some frowned upon and some downright disgusting, please. I’ll have that to go, thank you!”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.”

Dylan Moran

On Tequila.
What It Is (2009)

“The weak, sensual, pleasure-loving French. You know, not going to war because they’re all still in bed at two in the afternoon, with the sheets coiled about their knees, lying, there scratching themselves, smoking a Gauloise inside a Gitane, sweating Nice sancerre. Before one of them sloughs off the sheets to pad around the kitchen naked. No, not naked, naked from the waist down. To emphasise their nakedity. Picking up yesterday's croissant crumbs with their sweaty feet. Slashing yesterday's paintings.”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“Fruit… it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“The candlelight dances off her mahogany-coloured skin as she un-robes, and she is smiling from the very middle of herself, and you look at them and you think "This is the one, this is it" and then—and then the cage comes down!”

Dylan Moran

On love.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Children aren't like that, which is why they look so young, 'cause they always have a sense of style and purpose. When they're walking around, they have a very definite purpose, they're walking. And it's a great walk as well, it's not an adult's sort of bemused shuffle, it's that 'I'm going over here.' And you say 'Why are you going over there?' 'Because I have a harmonica.' 'What are you doing with the harmonica?' 'I'm going to put it in the toilet.”

Dylan Moran

'Why are you doing tha—' 'Enough questions, goodbye!'
On children's attitude.
Like, Totally (2006)

“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts…' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm… Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler…”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“All male arguments are very early '70s, Soviet-made, uni-directional trundling behemoths that say the same thing again and again and again: "I told you I would be late on Tuesday, I told you I would be late, I said it, I heard my own voice, I did say it… I told yoouuuu." Whereas women seem to have these amazing, slinky stealth bombers designed by Jaguar! With a lovely cream leather interior and infinite torque! That's why they can respond by saying "Yes, maybe, alright, but why is the fridge door open?"”

Dylan Moran

"I don't understand, I don't understand..."
Monster (2004)

“Scotland, the country where they fry the food five times to make sure it’s dead; the country where they invented bacon flavour mouthwash.”

Dylan Moran

Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.”

Dylan Moran

On adulthood.
What It Is (2009)

“And women as a group, en masse, do show contempt for men, en masse… as a group, you hear a lot of contempt for men: "Oh look! Look at them, look! There they go! One of them's trying to DO something."”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"”

Dylan Moran

On beer.
Monster (2004)

“Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“Most heterosexual people in this country, and around the world, meet each other, and get together with one another when they’re totally, totally drunk. Smashed out of their minds they could not spell their own face. And they go home with that person! And you might spend months with that person, or a year, or you might have a family! This is what happens, this is how you meet. But you wouldn’t buy a toaster when you’re drunk, ‘cause that’s too important. It's got to be crispy in just the right way, hasn't it?”

Dylan Moran

On starting relationship.
Like, Totally (2006)

“You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“I am actually walking towards the biscuit, I didn't realise I was, but now I do, oh oh oh I am actually eating the biscuit…oh no, oh the shame, oh I don't know what's better, THE BISCUIT OR THE SHAME.. oh oh the shame.”

Dylan Moran

On Catholicism.
Like, Totally (2006)

“EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“I know what you're thinking!”

Dylan Moran

Oh do you? So do I. I know what everyone’s thinking: I'd like to be lying face down in a cushion, with my mouth full of chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half. Would you like your prize now, or later?
What It Is (2009)

“It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette… unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.”

Dylan Moran

On laws in Ireland prohibiting smoking in buildings where people work.
Monster (2004)

“(after coughing) I have… something. It'll clear up. Might take me with it, but we'll see.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally
Other

“It sounds like typewriters eating tin foil being kicked down the stairs.”

Dylan Moran

On the German language.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you think, "What is this? This is pointless! It's— you can't taste it, you can't smell it… Why did we waste our money on this, bloody— why are we on a traffic island?"”

Dylan Moran

On vodka.
Monster (2004)

“A couple of days ago I saw one of those signs outside of churches and it said "Jesus said: I am the light of the world". Which is a very male view, you know, if Jesus had been Jesusina it would've been more modest. You know because it's a women, she would've been traditionally more modest. Jesusina would've gone: "Well I'm quite bright".”

Dylan Moran

On religion.
What It Is (2009)

“(after coughing) Excuse me. I have a touch of everything.”

Dylan Moran

What It Is.
Other

“"I Know. I Know! Let's Go Potholing! In Croatia!" "Fine. I know a guy who can give us a lift… Me!"”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“Hi, how are you today? I'm Tony, I'm going to be your server. I've got some very exciting specials to tell you folks about right here. We've got our deep-pan re-re-fried chocolate ice cream pizza, which comes with a complementary pacemaker. If you're watching your weight you might want to try our No Hope Protein Salad, absolutely delicious. Philippe, our maitre d', will dig out some photographs of you looking kind of tubby, you know, on the Internet, and then we all kind of point and laugh at you and just sort of rub a single chickpea on your lip until you cry. Would you like some water?”

Dylan Moran

During a skit before a commercial break on BBC America Comedy Live Presents Dylan Moran (2005).
Other

“You don't need to turn the light switch on and off, again! You have absolutely NAILED DOWN the principle finding of that experiment; when you turn the lights off, daddy can't see ANYTHING. He steps on your toys trying to find you and kill you… And breaks his foot!”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“If somebody blocks you when you're walking, you're positively Edwardian in your manners. You do this sheepish little smile together, and you step aside. And you both do it at the same time, and you go "for goodness sake, what a to-do! Oh-ho-ho, dear me! I'll just eh, I'll just—oh, we did it again, can you believe it, I can't believe it! We should be on the stage! One more time, I'll just—oh, how did we ever get this far as a species!" But, for some reason, in a car, that becomes "YOU SPUNK BUCKET!"…. from, you know, an eighty nine year-old church warden.”

Dylan Moran

On behaviour displayed on foot and in cars.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Sometimes is just, you know… insulting.
- It's all sex with you, isn't it?
- No, no, it's not… No, I resent that! Sometimes I want a snack… during.”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“"Death before dishonour." I always used to wonder, Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? 'Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf before I picked death. I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette as I was doing it, you know, I'd be perfectly happy doing that. Seasoning it with thyme, you know, listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks. But every man thinks about Smurfs. They don't say it, but they do. That's why I'm here—to be honest. Just once, you know, what would it be like? Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue… if I don't say it, nobody else will."”

Dylan Moran

On regimental mottos.
Monster (2004)

“I live in Scotland, have you been to Scotland? [a few of the audience whoop and cheer] See that's the exact same number of people, as answered that question in the affirmative when I asked it in England… and erm, people… English people, don't go up there, it's nearly half the country, and you say "Why don't you go?" and they go "Ahh, well, you know, it's very dark and dreary"… 'cos they get so used to the crocodiles and the tropical storms down there in England. "Dark and dreary, you can't understand the accents, the food's disgusting, and a lot of violence, a lot of drugs, people injecting temazepam into each other's stumps… other wise I'd go, you know?"”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“You hear people in restaurants competing with each other "I love you". "No, I love you". "Yeah, but I REALLY love you. I love pencils that you have sucked and thrown away ten years ago. I love your eyebrows and your ancestry and EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! Just eat your food and let me love you, don't speak!" But what they don’t know, of course, at the time is that that dialogue is actually from a really bad science fiction film written by nature - really, what they're saying to one another is: "The race must continue, the race must continue! My vadudium is pointing at your phenungulator, the race must continue!"”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“You have to have a good relationship with pleasure, Australians seem to, on the whole your approach seems to be to go, "What's that? Ahh, yeah, it's one of those" which is a lot healthier than the Irish one, which is to go, "What's that? That looks nice. I'll wait till everyone's asleep, then I'll steal it, so nobody will see me enjoy myself and then I won't have to feel ashamed. I can just let the guilt fester for the rest of my life and spend all my remaining years drunk."”

Dylan Moran

On pleasure.
What It Is (2009)

“People do… need… things… that are bad for them. They do. Stimulants and so on. They always have. Every so often, some politician or footballer or actor or whoever it is is caught in a hotel room, surrounded by hookers and cocaine. And everybody else goes: "Oh, the shame of it! How could he? How absolutely dreadful! I'd never do that… I've never had a chance, but I'd never ever do that! Oh, the disgust that courses through me right now — you could bottle it!" But what else are you supposed to give hookers in a hotel room? "Yogurt, anybody? I made some yogurt this morning, would you like some? It's got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit."”

Dylan Moran

On public figures who get caught in hotel rooms with prostitutes and cocaine.
Monster (2004)

“"Listen, LISTEN… I agree… with everything… you're carving… on the kitchen table, I do. But do you think maybe this might have something to do with your per-ARGH!"(falls backward as if kicked). That first high kick to the thorax generally does the trick.”

Dylan Moran

Talking with women about their periods.
Like, Totally (2006)

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