Tina Fey Quotes

Elizabeth Stamatina "Tina" Fey is an American actress, comedian, writer, producer, and playwright. She appeared on the NBC sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live from 1997 to 2006, and created the acclaimed comedy series 30 Rock and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt . Fey has also starred in Baby Mama , Date Night , Megamind , Muppets Most Wanted , Sisters , Whiskey Tango Foxtrot , and Wine Country .

Fey broke into comedy as a featured player in the Chicago-based improvisational comedy group The Second City. She then joined SNL as a writer, later becoming head writer and a performer, appearing as co-anchor in the Weekend Update segment and, later, developing a satirical portrayal of 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin in subsequent guest appearances. In 2004, she co-starred in and wrote the screenplay for Mean Girls, which was adapted from the 2002 self-help book Queen Bees and Wannabes. After leaving SNL in 2006, Fey created the television series 30 Rock for Broadway Video, a sitcom loosely based on her experiences at SNL. In the series, Fey starred as Liz Lemon, the head writer of a fictional sketch comedy series. In 2011, she released her memoir, Bossypants, which topped The New York Times Best Seller list for five weeks and garnered her a Grammy Award nomination. In 2015, she co-created the Netflix comedy series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Fey created the musical adaptation Mean Girls, which premiered on Broadway in 2018, and earned her a Tony Award nomination.

Fey has received nine Primetime Emmy Awards, three Golden Globe Awards, five Screen Actors Guild Awards, and seven Writers Guild of America Awards. In 2008, the Associated Press gave Fey the AP Entertainer of the Year award for her Sarah Palin impression on SNL. In 2010, Fey was awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, becoming the youngest-ever recipient of the award. Wikipedia

✵ 18. May 1970

Tina Fey photo

Mingle Media TV, https://www.flickr.com/photos/minglemediatv/13106945255/in/set-72157642252193135 / CC BY-SA 2.0

Tina Fey: 50 quotes1 like

Famous Tina Fey Quotes

“Former pop singer Tiffany posed as the centerspread model for this month's issue of Playboy magazine. Tiffany, a devout Baptist, sat down with her young daughter and showed her a Cosmopolitan magazine saying "See honey? Mommy isn't nearly as classy as these ladies."”

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“Hoping to court ex-New Yorkers living in Florida, the Bush campaign is running radio ads there, featuring former New York mayors Rudy Giuliani and Ed Koch. The ads begin, "Hiiii. We're the reason you LEFT."”

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“Sponge Bob Square Pants will begin airing in China in December so millions of factory workers can finally know what the hell they’re making. But Chinese censors have ordered the name of the show be changed to "CleaningpadCharlie RectangleShorts"”

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“(Typical signoff) Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.”

“In Washington last week, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of 200 high school students. There were no survivors.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/00/00qupdate.phtml

“NBC announced this week that they will be producing a 3 hour TV movie based on the life of Rudolph Giuliani. To keep the movie real to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikeable until the last 15 minutes, when everyone loves him.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/01/01supdate.phtml

Tina Fey: Trending quotes

“Gale Norton, President Bush's controversial nominee for Secretary of the Interior, told a Senate committee this week, "I intend to make the conservation of America's national treasures my highest priority." At the top of her list is the American Bald Oil Magnate.”

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“"So, Alec Baldwin; great actor or greatest actor?" I'm gonna say "greatest actor"; Greatest… living… American… actor… in… the Baldwin family… by a mile.”

"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“Ashlee Simpson did a special performance at Mall of America this week. Reports from those present say that the venue was completely packed; I mean seriously, people were like sardines, wall to wall, there had to be like ten of them…all pushed up against the giant stage they constructed…in the janitor's closet. Because she sucks.”

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Tina Fey Quotes

“In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/03/03dupdate.phtml

“It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.”

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“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/04/04fupdate.phtml

“In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/01/01dupdate.phtml

“Despite the fact that Martha Stewart has disgraced herself too much to hold an official position at Omnimedia, the company may still use her name and images to sell their products. You know, sort of like Clinton and the Democrats.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/03/03oupdate.phtml

“Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the part of the Outkast song Hey Ya! that tells people to "shake it like a Polaroid picture", because that could actually ruin the pictures. In a related story, Bacardi is warning shorties to be responsible and not “sip Bacardi like it’s Dey birfday."”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/03/03mupdate.phtml

“If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

[referring to the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston break-up][citation needed]

“It was announced that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush's inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush's first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing "She Bangs" at the foot of the Great Emancipator.”

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“"Do the NBC bigheads really pay attention to these message boards?" Um, I don't know if they read the message boards. I hope so, because I write fifty to a thousand fake posts a week, mostly, uh, saying that I'm really good and that no else is as good as me. So, I hope they listen to that because I'm trying to get a raise.”

"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.”

On Comedy
Source: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/11/03/anchor-woman

“New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is once again expressing outrage at an art exhibit, this time at a painting in which Jesus is depicted as a naked woman. Said the mayor, "This trash is not the sort of thing that I want to look at when I go to the museum with my mistress."”

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“Maxim magazine recently released its annual hot 100 list, with Eva Longoria at #1, followed by Jennifer Garner and Lindsay Lohan. While I, once again, was ranked between Bonnie Hunt and Joy Behar.”

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“A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.”

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“According to reports, Britney Spears has told family and close friends that she and her new husband Kevin Federline are expecting their first child. So far, no word on whether it will be a pimp or a ho.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/04/04aupdate.phtml

“At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.”

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“Question number one is from someone who calls himself "The Controvert." He says, "Hi, Tina, I love you in the show. In my humble opinion, when a show pushes the boundaries, you end up with a lot of passionate people on both sides. What do you think of the criticism the show gets?" I think that people who say they love the show and they think it's great and they write good reviews of it, are-are correct and that people who don't like the show for any reason are probably-they're just confusing it with Studio 60.”

"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies…I'm not really a lawyer.”

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“Bill O'Reilly settled his sexual harassment suit out-of-court this week. This is what he had to say about it on Thursday's O'Reilly Factor:
This brutal ordeal is now officially over and I will never speak of it again.
But I will! 'Cause I like the part about you wanting to rub falafel on that lady's boobs and the part about how you love vibrators, and the part about how you believed it when a prostitute told you you had a big penis? I love all those parts and I'm gonna keep talkin' about them. A lot.”

SNL, 2004-10-30 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMVxjiIntM0

“It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good.”

From Bossypants, Little Brown, 2011

“MTV announced this week that the next season of The Real World will be shot in Detroit, as will several cast members.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/05/05dupdate.phtml

“Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman say their split is amicable, and they want everyone to know that after the divorce is final, their two adopted children will be returned to the prop department at Universal Studios.”

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“They made a porn movie about Sarah Palin, and the same actress, Lisa Ann, played me in the porn version of 30 Rock. Weirdly, of the three of us, Lisa Ann knows the most about foreign policy.”

"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“Brokeback Mountain was released last weekend. Its notable for being the first Western where the good guys get it in the end.”

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“A man who had a heart attack while he was alone in his house was saved when his dog brought him the phone so he could call for help. However, it should be noted that for every one of these heartwarming stories, there's a million others where the dog just sits there like a moron and watches you die.”

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“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.”

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“Helmut Simon, who 13 years ago found the 5,000-year-old remains of a prehistoric man frozen in the ice of an Alpine glacier, has himself disappeared in the snow-covered Alps. Helmut, if you can hear me, don't give up. Help is on the way in five thousand years.”

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“Two days before Britney Spears' HBO concert from Las Vegas, someone broke into her dressing room and stole the white, Elvis-inspired jumpsuit that she wore to promote the event. And you know what, I'm not giving it back! I keep it now, it's mine!”

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“According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.”

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“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment. Organizers of the orgy were expecting 1500 men, and 8 women.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/01/01aupdate.phtml

“FOX is developing a new reality dating series called Playing it Straight, in which a female contestant will date 14 bachelors, some of whom are gay, and some are straight. The show was originally called The Tina Fey College Experience.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/03/03kupdate.phtml

“Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show…called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.”

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“On Matthew McConaughey: "He was always taking his shirt off, he's like "Yeah, here's my deal, I'm hot." We had a meeting one day at like 11 o'clock, right before the show and he walks into the meeting shirtless wearing this like old musty sarong… He doesn't smell great, no."”

On SNL Guest Hosts

“Well, today in New York, after months of build up and anticipation, Star Jones made history and became the first person ever to get married.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/04/04eupdate.phtml

“Despite explosive violence in the West Bank this week, negotiators remain hopeful that a U. S.-sponsored summit could end the conflict. Israeli and Palestinian officials say they are eager to sign an agreement so they can dip it in gasoline, light it on fire and throw it at each other.”

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“This is, uh, from "RedSoxGirl02," um, so that person is four years old, I guess, 'cause their thing is "02."”

"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"
[pause]
The baby starts to come down… and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.”

"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“Bill Clinton's brother Roger was arrested this week for drunk driving in California and then was thrown out of a restaurant after threatening the doorman. Despite all this, Roger Clinton is still the least embarrassing member of his family.”

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/00/00mupdate.phtml

“On 30 Rock and Studio 60 and the Sunset Strip airing in the same year: "We’ll probably end up doing a terrible crossover, where the Matthew Perry character on the drama rapes my character on the comedy—and then the ‘Law & Order’ team solves the crime."”

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/24/060424ta_talk_friend
On 30 Rock

“They made a porn movie about Sarah Palin, and the same actress, Lisa Ann, played me in the porn version of 30 Rock.”

Weirdly, of the three of us, Lisa Ann knows the most about foreign policy."
"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“So, Alec Baldwin; great actor or greatest actor?”

I'm gonna say "greatest actor"; Greatest...living...American...actor...in...the Baldwin family...by a mile.
"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

“Do the NBC bigheads really pay attention to these message boards?”

Um, I don't know if they read the message boards. I hope so, because I write fifty to a thousand fake posts a week, mostly, uh, saying that I'm really good and that no else is as good as me. So, I hope they listen to that because I'm trying to get a raise.
"Ask Tina" segment from NBC's 30 Rock website

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