I suppose we could have swapped them for books, but we had our eye on a twin-tub.
Stand-up
Quotes about housing
page 3

Further account of his conversations with Andrew Pit
The History of the Quakers (1762)

Statement by the President on the Occasion of Ramadan (11 August 2010) http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/11/statement-president-occasion-ramadan
2010

Shropshire Conservative (31 August 1844), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume I. 1804–1859 (London: John Murray, 1929), p. 629.
1840s

Source: 1910s, Theodore Roosevelt — An Autobiography (1913), Ch. VIII : The New York Governorship

Source: Reason for Hope: a Spiritual Journey (2000), p. iv

“Ah me, why did they build my house by the road to the market town?”
4
The Gardener http://www.spiritualbee.com/love-poems-by-tagore/ (1915)

“Work a lifetime to pay off a house — You finally own it and there's nobody to live in it.”
Willy
Death of a Salesman (1949)

Nicht vor Irrthum zu bewahren, ist die Pflicht des Menschen erziehers; sondern den Irrenden zu leiten, ja ihn seinen Irrthum aus vollen Bechern ausschlürfen zu lassen, das ist Weisheit der Lehrer. Wer seinen Irrthum nur kostet, hält lange damit Haus; er freuet sich dessen als eines seltenen Glücks; aber wer ihn ganz erschöpft, der muß ihn kennenlernen.
Bk. VII, Ch. 9
Wilhelm Meister's Lehrjahre (Apprenticeship) (1786–1830)

Galen, Exhortation to Study the Arts, Coxe (1846), p. 479; cf. Diogenes Laërtius, vi. 32.

On filming a television production of Death of a Salesman, as quoted in The New York Times (15 September 1985) http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9805E2DE133BF936A2575AC0A963948260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=all

Source: The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious (1934), p. 7-8

“I've learned love is like a brick, you can build a house or sink a dead body.”
Lyrics, Judas.

2013, "Let Freedom Ring" Ceremony (August 2013)

"On the Horrors of the Slave Trade", speech delivered in the House of Commons (12 May 1789).

Wesleyan Graduation Ceremony, Middletown, Connecticut (25 May 2008) http://www.politico.com/pdf/PPM42_remarks_of_obama.pdf
2008

“Forced Emigration,” New York Daily Tribune, 22 March 1853.
Hindu Temples – What Happened to Them, Volume II (1993)

Source: Letter to Fr. Vincenzo Renieri (c. 1633), p. 251-253

Billy Joe Shaver talks Waylon, women, more (2014)

Lufkin, Texas http://www.kidbrothers.net/words/concert-transcripts/lufkin-texas-jul1997-full.html (July 19, 1997)
In Concert

Vol. II, Ch. XII, p. 237.
(Buch II) (1893)

Whoopie Goldberg "“When I was 9 years old, Star Trek came on…” ~ Whoopi Goldberg" http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/when-i-was-9-years-old-star-trek-came-on-whoopi-goldberg/ March 8, 2014.

Acceptance of the New York Liberal Party nomination (14 September 1960) · Address of John F. Kennedy upon Accepting the Liberal Party Nomination for President https://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Research-Aids/JFK-Speeches/Liberal-Party-Nomination-NYC_19600914.aspx
1960

“And if the big dog ain't me, then the house won't get guarded—period.”
[Wise, Mike, http://www.nytimes.com/2001/01/11/sports/pro-basketball-tension-between-o-neal-and-bryant-is-rising-every-day.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm, PRO BASKETBALL; Tension Between O'Neal and Bryant Is Rising Every Day, January 11, 2001, The News York Times]
O'Neal implying his level of defensive play would drop if he were not the team's featured option on offense.

War is a racket (1935)
Source: Common Sense, Vol. 4, No. 11 (November, 1935), p. 8. Quoted in 'I Might Have Given Al Capone a Few Hints' https://www.nytimes.com/1987/09/10/opinion/l-i-might-have-given-al-capone-a-few-hints-023587.html, The New York Times, September 10, 1987.
My Twisted World (2014), 19-22, UC Santa Barbara, Perspective on incelness

"Bad Meets Evil" (Track 19).
1990s, The Slim Shady LP (1999)

I Kings 8:41-43 on the dedication of the Temple in Jerusalem

Letter to "The Keicomolo"—Kleiner, Cole, and Moe (October 1916), in Selected Letters I, 1911-1924 edited by August Derleth and Donald Wandrei, p. 27
Non-Fiction, Letters

Speech in the House of Lords (29 April 1879), reported in The Times (30 April 1879), p. 8.
1870s

Nous cherchons tous le bonheur, mais sans savoir où, comme les ivrognes qui cherchent leur maison, sachant confusément qu'ils en ont une.
Notebooks (c.1735-c.1750)
A variation on this remark can be found in the same notebook: Men who look for happiness are like drunkards who cannot find their house but know that they have one [Les hommes qui cherchent le bonheur sont comme des ivrognes qui ne peuvent trouver leur maison, mais qui savent qu'ils en ont une].
Citas

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s "Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death"

Confessions of Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1765-1770; published 1782), On the musicians of the Ospedale della Pieta (book VII)

In this famous statement, Lincoln is quoting the response of Jesus Christ to those who accused him of being able to cast out devils because he was empowered by the Prince of devils, recorded in Matthew 12:25: "And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand".
1850s, The House Divided speech (1858)

Vol. II, Ch. VI, p. 152.
(Buch II) (1893)

http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/wittenberg/luther/catechism/web/cat-07.html The Large Catechism by Martin Luther, Translated by F. Bente and W.H.T. Dau Published in: Triglot Concordia: The Symbolical Books of the Ev. Lutheran Church (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1921) pp. 565-773, (1529)

Claude Monet, in an interview, 1895; as quoted in: Paul Hayes Tucker et al. (eds). (1999) Monet in the Twentieth Century. London: Royal Academy of Arts/Boston: Museum of Fine Arts. As cited in: Steven Connor, " About There, or Thereabouts http://www.stevenconnor.com/aboutthere/aboutthere.pdf." talk given at the Catalysis conference on Space and Time, Downing College, Cambridge, 23rd March 2013.
1890 - 1900

WHAT?! "Check it out, eh, it's the Fat and the Furious!"
Hot & Fluffy (2007)

The original riot grrrl on Katy Perry, '90s revival http://www.cnn.com/2011/SHOWBIZ/Music/06/07/kathleen.hanna.documentary/, CNN (2011).

As quoted in MarilynManson.com (6 February 1999).
1990s

Falsely attributed to Darwin, but actually from The Clansman: An Historical Romance of the Ku Klux Klan (1905) by Thomas Dixon, page 134 http://www.freefictionbooks.org/books/c/11773-the-clansman-by-thomas-dixon?start=133.
Misattributed

Translated by Annemarie S. Kidder
In Celebration of Me (1909)

I mean, this is what you say. "I ain't left nothing in Africa," that's what you say. Why, you left your mind in Africa.
Malcolm X Speaks (1965)

Speech http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1854/mar/31/war-with-russia-the-queens-message in the House of Commons (21 March 1854).
1850s

" Brigitte Bardot: 'I became aware of the horror of factory farming http://www.evana.org/index.php?id=51041&lang=en". Interview for Primorske novice (November 2009) as reported by European Vegetarian and Animal News Alliance (EVANA) website

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”
How to Catch a Man, Keep a Man, and Get Rid of a Man (Doubleday, 1970)

Letter to Lord Salisbury (27 December 1880), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume II. 1860–1881 (London: John Murray, 1929), p. 1468.
1880s

Source: "Will Smith" article in Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies (2001 edition), p. 406

1910s, Address to the Knights of Columbus (1915)

Letter to Lady Londonderry (22 February 1854), in Benjamin Disraeli, Letters: 1852-1856 (1997), p. 405.
1850s

Further Records, 1848-1883, vol. 1; entry dated February 12, 1874 (1891).

He'd say, "Any place is better than here."
Speech (9 November 1963). p. 11.
Malcolm X Speaks (1965)
Muslim Separatism – Causes and Consequences (1987)

Babur-Nama, translated into English by A.S. Beveridge, New Delhi reprint, 1979, pp. 370-71.

CBS Sunday Morning, 20 May 2001. Lewis later apologized for the remark, Associated Press, 2 June 2001 https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1310&dat=20010602&id=MghRAAAAIBAJ&sjid=AOwDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6433,316667&hl=en.

The Discipline Of Transcendence (1978)

Except for Fabre's investigation of the behavior of insects, I do not know any equally striking example of inability to learn from experience.
Part II: Man and Man, Ch. 14: Economic Co-operation and Competition, pp. 132–3
1950s, New Hopes for a Changing World (1951)

Source: Words of a Sage : Selected thoughts of African Spir (1937), p. 39, with a quote from Galatians, IV, 6-8.
My Twisted World (2014), Pastimes

Lyman, Act 2
The Ride Down Mount Morgan (1991)
A Marriage Made In Heaven; or, Too Tired For an Affair (1993)

Source: House Calls: How we can all heal the world one visit at a time (1998), p. xi

As quoted in [Philip K. Hitti, History of The Arabs, 130]
My Twisted World (2014), 19-22, UC Santa Barbara, Building to Violence

“We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poor house in an automobile.”
As quoted in How We Elect Our Presidents (1952), edited by Donald Day, p. 111
Variants: We'll hold the distinction of being the only Nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.
We hold the distinction of being the only nation in the history of the world that went to the poor-house in an automobile.
We hold the distinction of being the only nation that is goin' to the poorhouse in an automobile.
As quoted in ...

"PM's favourite singer Lana Del Rey ignores the abuse", Evening Standard (24 January 2012), p. 13

From Save the Planet of glass ; quoted in AA.VV., Osamu Tezuka: A Manga Biography , vol. 1, translated by Marta Fogato, Coconino Press, Bologna, 2000, p. 106. ISBN 888806303X

Galeano (1991) Professional Life/3 p. 108; As cited in: Paul Farmer (2005) Pathologies of Power: Health, Human Rights, and the New War on the Poor.. p. 10

“When a man says, "Get out of my house! what would you have with my wife?"”
there is no answer to be made.
Source: Don Quixote de la Mancha (1605–1615), Part II (1615), Book III, Ch. 43.

C’est une grande question parmi eux s’ils [les africains] sont descendus des singes ou si les singes sont venus d’eux. Nos sages ont dit que l’homme est l’image de Dieu: voilà une plaisante image de l’Être éternel qu’un nez noir épaté, avec peu ou point d’intelligence! Un temps viendra, sans doute, où ces animaux sauront bien cultiver la terre, l’embellir par des maisons et par des jardins, et connaître la route des astres il faut du temps pour tout.
Les Lettres d'Amabed (1769): Septième Lettre d'Amabed http://www.voltaire-integral.com/Html/21/10AMABED.html
Citas

2016, Presidential transition of Donald Trump (November 2016)

Mal sabendo ainda soletrar, já lia, sem perceber que estava lendo. Identificar na escrita do jornal uma palavra que eu conhecesse era como encontrar um marco na estrada a dizer-me que ia bem, que seguia na boa direcção. E foi assim, desta maneira algo invulgar, Diário após Diário, mês após mês, fazendo de conta que não ouvia as piadas dos adultos da casa, que se divertiam por estar eu a olhar para o jornal como se fosse um muro, que a minha hora de os deixar sem fala chegou, quando, um dia, de um fôlego, li em voz alta, sem titubear, nervoso mas triunfante, umas quantas linhas seguidas.
Source: Small Memories (2006), pp. 87–88

Source: 1950s, Portraits from Memory and Other Essays (1956), p. 9

Source: For Crying Out Loud! The World According to Clarkson Volume Three (2008), p. 1