Quotes about joke
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“You said not to do anything that might accidentally contribute to the apocalypse. I know you were joking. But it's less funny when I can't rid myself of the feeling that the apocalypse is coming, somehow. Valentine Morgenstern nearly wiped out the Shadowhunters, and his son is twice as clever and six times as evil.”

Cassandra Clare The Mortal Instruments

Magnus Bane, to Catarina Loss, pg. 136
The Mortal Instruments, City of Heavenly Fire (2014)

Feeling, Evil, Time

“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) American stand-up comedian

track 11, "Three Easy Payments"
Mitch All Together (2003)

Thinking, Night

“The usual jokes about the Army aside, one of the many fine things one has to admit is the way that the Army has carried the American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.”

Tom Lehrer (1928) American singer-songwriter and mathematician

Introduction to "It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

Color, Way, Sense

“A well-known joke - a fool who thought he was a grain of corn. After some time in a mental hospital he was cured; now he knew that he was not a grain, but a man. So they let him out; but soon after he came running back saying, 'I met a hen and I was afraid she would try to eat me.' The doctors tried to calm him down. 'What are you afraid of? You know you are not a grain, but a man.”

Slavoj Žižek book The Sublime Object of Ideology

The fool answered: 'Yes of course I know that, but does the hen know?'
33
The Sublime Object of Ideology (1989)

Fools, Time

“A psychiatrist today has the power to (1) take a fancy to a woman (2) lead her to take wild treatment as a joke (3) drug and shock her to temporary insanity (4) incarnate her (5) use her sexually (6) sterilize her to prevent conception (7) kill her by a brain operation to prevent disclosure. And all with no fear of reprisal. Yet it is rape and murder… We want at least one bad mark on every psychiatrist in England, a murder, an assault, or a rape or more than one… This is Project Psychiatry. We will remove them.”

L. Ron Hubbard (1911–1986) American science fiction author, philosopher, cult leader, and the founder of the Church of Scientology

Confidential memo "Project Psychiatry" (22 February 1966).

Fear

“Back when a hoe was a hoe.
Coke was a coke.
And crack's what you were doing.
When you were cracking jokes.
Back when a screw was a screw.
The wind was all that blew.
And when you said I'm down with that.
Well, it meant you had the flu.
I miss back when.
I miss back when.
I miss back when.”

Tim McGraw (1967) American country singer

Back When
Song lyrics, Live Like You Were Dying (2004)

“During my early years as an actor, Bond was never a desire, but when Cassie was playing in For Your Eyes Only, then, of course, it became a joke. I would do my own impersonations of James Bond. Just for fun. Just driving her home from work, or going out, or talking about her experience on it. But even so, it was not an ambition to play James Bond. I had my sights set on other aspects of the work.”

Pierce Brosnan (1953) Irish-American actor, film producer, and environmentalist

Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan. http://www.cigaraficionado.com/webfeatures/show/id/Brosnan-Pierce-Brosnan_6003/p/2 (November 1997)

Home

“Now, that brings me to the Liberal Party. I gather that during the last few days there have been some ill-natured jokes about their new symbol, a bird of some kind, adopted by the Liberal Democrats at Blackpool. Politics is a serious business, and one should not lower the tone unduly. So I will say only this of the Liberal Democrat symbol and of the party it symbolises. This is an ex-parrot. It is not merely stunned. It has ceased to be, expired and gone to meet its maker. It is a parrot no more. It has rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is a late parrot. And now for something completely different.”

Margaret Thatcher (1925–2013) British stateswoman and politician

Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990) http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217. Partially quoting from Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Monty_Python%27s_Flying_Circus#Dead_Parrot_Sketch. Third term as Prime Minister

Business, Nature, Bird

“It's because, apparently, Neo-Nazi groups have been referencing me, have been praising me, for making these kinds of jokes and I was unaware of this, so I made a statement, as soon as I found out about this, saying, 'I do not support these hateful groups in any way,' but that's never going to be the title. That doesn't fit their personal agenda. That's not the story they want. This is not an article. This was a personal attack against me, It is so clear.”

PewDiePie (1989) Swedish YouTuber and video game commentator

2017, My Response (February)

Hate, Way, Support, Personality

“I've heard it said that jail stinks of despair. What a load. If jail stinks of any emotion, it's fear: fear of the guards, fear of being beaten or gang-raped, fear of being forgotten by those who once loved you and may or may not anymore. But mostly, I think, it's fear of time and of those dark things that dwell in the unexplored corners of the mind. Doing time, they call it — what a joke. I've been around long enough to know the reality: It's the time that does you.”

John Hart (1965) American author with multiple books and awards

Source: The King of Lies (2006), Ch. 1.

Love, Fear, Thinking, Reality

“Cindy (Chris Farley): That reminds me, I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson went shopping at K-Mart because there was a sale! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Christy (Spade): You messed it up, dumbbell! He went shopping at K-Mart because he heard little boys' pants were half off.”

David Spade (1964) American stand-up comedian

"Gap Girls", Saturday Night Live

Boy

“I’m so thankful that all that stuff made it to the screen, because a lot of the time studio executives say that there’s no time, or ask why we should feel sympathy for this bad guy. I joke that I’m the romantic lead in the movie, I just happened to pick the wrong girl. Imhotep is kind of the tragic villain, I guess, and a lot of people have come up to me and said I was hating you, but then I reach a point when I was feeling sorry for you too. It's those different facets that help explain why this film is such a success”

Arnold Vosloo (1962) South African-American actor

Interview: Arnold Vosloo http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2001/05/11/arnold_vosloo_article.shtml (May 11, 2001)

Hate, People, Guy, Feeling

“Let me explain something to you, Fresh Mouth: I'm the only one who makes jokes.”

Judith Sheindlin (1942) American lawyer, judge, television personality, and author

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIYBki9QTZw&feature=related
Quotes from Judge Judy cases, Dress, stand, speak properly

“"What's your horse's name?""Horse.""Sophia waited for the joke, but it didn't come. "You call your horse 'Horse'?""He doesn't mind.""You should give him a noble name. Like Prince or Chief or something.""It might confuse him now.""Trust me. Anything is better than Horse. It's like naming a dog Dog.""I have a dog named Dog. Australian Cattle Dog." He turned, his expression utterly matter-of-fact. "Great herder.""And your mom didn't complain?""My mom named him."”

Nicholas Sparks (1965) American writer and novelist

Sophia and Luke, Chapter 4 Sophia, p. 64
2009, The Longest Ride (2013)

Dogs, Moms, Waiting, Horse

“Charles was a stubborn Swede, you know, and he himself never felt the need to explain his feelings about where he stood and about past statements. But I feel free now to elaborate on his actual attitudes. He never wanted to be regarded as a hero or leader, and he never had political ambitions. His prewar isolationist speeches were given in all sincerity for what he thought was the good of the country and the world… He was accused of being anti-Semetic, but in the 45 years I lived with him I never heard him make a remark against the Jews, not a crack or joke, and neither did any of our children.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1906–2001) American aviator and author

On her husband, Charles Lindbergh, in The New York Times (20 April 1980) http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html

Children, World, Feeling, Past

“How tell what remains? But it’s the end. Or have I been dreaming, am I dreaming? No no, none of that, for dream is nothing, a joke, and significant what is worse.”

Samuel Beckett (1906–1989) Irish novelist, playwright, and poet

The Calmative (1946)

Dreams

“You've never produced a Michleangelo or a Bach. You've never even produced a great chef. And if you talk to me about opportunity, all I can say is, are you joking? Have you ever lacked the opportunity, to give history a great chef? You've produced nothing great, nothing!”

Mohammad Reza Pahlavi (1919–1980) Shah of Iran

Oriana Fallaci (December 30, 1973), The Mystically Divine Shah of Iran (interview), Chicago Tribune
Interviews

History

“To the people of New York, Paris, or London, "death" is a word that is never pronounced because it burns the lips. The Mexican, however, frequents it, jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with it, celebrates it; it is one of his favorite toys and most steadfast love. Of course, in his attitude perhaps there is as much fear as there is in one of the others; at least he does not hide it; he confronts it face to face with patience, disdain, or irony.”

Octavio Paz book The Labyrinth of Solitude

The Labyrinth of Solitude (1950)

Love, Death, People, Fear

“He knew that women appreciated neither irony nor sarcasm, but simple jokes and funny stories. He was amply provided with both.”

W. Somerset Maugham book Then and Now

Then and Now : A Novel (1946), p. 136

Women

“One night, when all the thoughts were coming to me, the concept came to me that Superman could have a dual identity, and that in one of his identities he could be meek and mild, as I was, and wear glasses, the way I do. The heroine, who I figured would be some kind of girl reporter, would think he was some kind of worm; yet she would be crazy about this Superman character who could do all sorts of fabulous things. In fact, she was real wild about him, and a big inside joke was that the fellow she was crazy about was also the fellow whom she loathed.”

Jerry Siegel (1914–1996) American co-creator of Superman

In the beginning (1983)

Way, Girl, Thinking, Night

“Back in the late 1950s, on the sleeve of the Beyond the Fringe record album, Jonathan Miller made a dark joke about his worst fear: being tortured for information that he did not possess. The assumption behind the joke was that if he had something to reveal, the agony would stop. He was looking back to a world of polite British fiction, not to a world of brute European fact. In the Nazi and Soviet cellars and camps, people were regularly tortured for information they did not possess: i. e. they were tortured just for the hell of it.”

Clive James (1939–2019) Australian author, critic, broadcaster, poet, translator and memoirist

'Terry Gilliam', p. 279
Essays and reviews, Cultural Amnesia: Notes in the Margin of My Time (2007)

People, World, Fear, Hell

“By giving women training to sue a company for a ‘hostile environment’ if someone tells a dirty joke, we are training women to run to the Government as Substitute Husband (or Father). This gets companies to fear women, but not to respect women. The best preparation we can give women to succeed in the workplace is the preparation to overcome barriers rather than to sue: successful people don’t sue, they succeed.”

Warren Farrell book The Myth of Male Power

Source: The Myth of Male Power (1993), Part III: Government as substitute husband, p. 351.

Women, Hostility, People, Fear

“Following the pattern set by Julius Caesar in The Gallic War, Churchill wrote books to vindicate policy; but he may also have made policy with an eye toward writing books. If so, the implications are alarming. Did Churchill conceive bold operations, such as the disastrous 1915 Dardanelles offensive, because these would make exciting episodes in the text of his life? A. J. Balfour once joked that Winston had written an enormous book about himself and called it The World Crisis. Was there more truth in that joke than we have so far known?”

Mark Riebling (1963) American writer

Churchill’s Finest Hour (2009)

Life, War, Truth, Books

“The name was a fluke. A joke. It started when I was doing A Christmas Carol in San Diego. We'd sit backstage and talk about names we'd never give our children, like Pork Pie or Independence. Of course, now people are walking around with those names. A woman said to me, "If I was your mother, I would have called you Whoopi, because when you're unhappy you make a sound like a whoopee cushion. It sounds like a fart." It was like "Ha-ha-ha-ha—Whoopi!" So people actually started calling me Whoopi Cushion. After about a year, my mother said, "You won't be taken seriously if you call yourself Whoopi Cushion. So try this combination: Whoopi Goldberg.”

Whoopi Goldberg (1955) American actress

Playboy interview, Playboy magazine, June 1988

Children, People, Christmas

“We communicate with each other to inform, to instruct, to persuade, to amuse, to annoy. Informing and instructing aim to alter the receiver's concepts, whereas persuading, amusing or annoying aim to change his preferences or feelings. In a work situation people do make jokes and enemies, and use the arts of persuasion, but much of their communication has an informal or instructional aspect.”

Brian Campbell Vickery (1918–2009) British information theorist

Source: Information Systems (1973), p. 1.

People, Art, Feeling, Communication

“I have never been able to see life as anything but a vast complicated practical joke, and it’s better to laugh than cry.”

Robert A. Heinlein book I Will Fear No Evil

Source: I Will Fear No Evil (1970), Chapter 25, p. 442

Life, Cry

“She spent the afternoon staring at their front door. "Waiting for someone?" Yankel asked. "What color is this?" He stood very close to the door, letting the end of his nose touch the peephole. He licked the wood and joked, "It certainly tastes like red." "Yes, it is red, isn't it?" "Seems so." She buried her head in her hands. "But couldn’t it be just a bit more red?"”

Jonathan Safran Foer book Everything Is Illuminated

Source: Everything Is Illuminated (2002), pp. 79-80

Color, Waiting

“The old joke about the two main Soviet papers, Pravda (“Truth”) and Izvestia (“News”), was “There’s no news in the Truth and no truth in the News!””

Garry Kasparov (1963) former chess world champion

2010s, The Truth About Putin (2018)

Truth

“They tell us that we live in a great free republic; that our institutions are democratic; that we are a free and self-governing people. This is too much, even for a joke. But it is not a subject for levity; it is an exceedingly serious matter.”

Eugene V. Debs (1855–1926) American labor and political leader

The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech (1918)

People

“It’s amazing how clean your room can get when you have an assignment due. I considered the possibility of just telling a bunch of jokes and leaving the inspiring to my husband, because he’s very good at that. But, I’m not going to do that.”

Dana Reeve (1961–2006) Actress, singer, activist

Middlebury College Address (2004)

“I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.”

Bill Hicks (1961–1994) American comedian

Sane Man (1989)

Fear, Thinking

““I was brought up as a Christian,” Cissy said. “Spelt K-I-L-L-J-O-Y. My mam still is one. When I said I was going to quit the church because of what I’d learned from Val about the history of slavery, I thought she was going to kill me!” She laughed nervously. But obviously that was not a joke.”

John Brunner book The Stone That Never Came Down

Source: The Stone That Never Came Down (1973), Chapter 24 (p. 187)

History, Learning

“Del Piero is known for his sense of humour. He once joked that if Lippi does not convoke him to the World Cup in Germany, he would "run him over with his car and sink his damn boat."”

Alessandro Del Piero (1974) Italian former professional footballer

Tiscali.it http://sport.tiscali.it/articoli/06/01/20/del_piero_fiorello.html Attributed

World, Cars, Sense

“At that time there was some truth in the old joke which describes the English dislike of speculation by saying that all our philosophy consists of a short catechism in two questions: “What is mind? No matter. — What is matter? Never mind.” The only accepted appeal was to tradition.”

John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton (1834–1902) British politician and historian

The History of Freedom in Christianity (1877)

Truth, Question, Time

“Don't you think this outlaw bit has done got out of hand?
What started out to be a joke, the law don't understand.
Was it singing through my nose that got me busted by the man?
Maybe this here outlaw bit has done got out of hand.”

Waylon Jennings (1937–2002) American country music singer, songwriter, and musician

Don't You Think This Outlaw Bit's Done Got Out of Hand, from I've Always Been Crazy (1978).
Song lyrics

Law, Understanding, Thinking, Singing

“I didn’t really believe I had "tiger blood" or "Adonis DNA." These were just jokes.”

Charlie Sheen (1965) American film and television actor

On The Tonight Show with Jay Leno September 15, 2011

“When Henry Ford said, "The customer can have a car in any color as long as it's black," he was not joking.”

Peter F. Drucker (1909–2005) American business consultant

Source: 1960s - 1980s, MANAGEMENT: Tasks, Responsibilities, Practices (1973), Part 1, p. 209

Cars, Color

“That was the worst of Dr Reilly. You never knew whether he was joking or not. He always said things in the same slow melancholy way — but half the time there was a twinkle underneath it.”

Agatha Christie book Murder in Mesopotamia

Amy Leatheran
Murder in Mesopotamia (1936)

Way, Time

“There's not enough Mason Adams jokes.”

Gina Barberi

Radio From Hell (January 11, 2007)

“You can be told 20 days in (a) row that you should be raped and sodomised and beaten and strung up and thrown out and taught a lesson, but if on the 21st day you turn around and make a joke about firing men into the sun using a cannon, you are a scold who hates men and is teaching her son that he's a rapist.”

Clementine Ford (writer) (1981) Australian feminist writer, broadcaster and public speaker

Clementine Ford: This is the personal price I pay for speaking out online http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/news-and-views/opinion/clementine-ford-this-is-the-personal-price-i-pay-for-speaking-out-online-20170713-gxaa6z.html, July 13 2017, in the Sydney Morning Herald 2017

Men, Hate, Sun

“I am not joking. I'm speaking
of spirit. Not dogma but spirit. The Way.”

Denise Levertov (1923–1997) Poet

Conversation in Moscow

Way

“I think we all thought the show would be good, but I didn't ever assume it would catch on in a mass audience sort of way, that's unexpected, and we're flattered and relieved. Our characters act silly, even totally ridiculous at times, and most of our jokes don't come out of pop cultural references, he added. It seems like we're aiming at a child audience, but everyone can laugh at the basic human traits that are funny. It's playful, the humor is playful, the world is playful. You can kind of let go.”

Stephen Hillenburg (1961–2018) American marine biologist, cartoonist, animator, storyboard artist, director, producer, and writer

FOR YOUNG VIEWERS; For This Scientist, Children Are Like, er, Sponges http://www.nytimes.com/2001/07/29/tv/for-young-viewers-for-this-scientist-children-are-like-er-sponges.html (July 29, 2001)

World, Way, Thinking, Time

“For those who planned and were leaders and were beaten
And for those, humble and stupid, who had no plan
But were denounced, but were angry, but told a joke,
But could not explain, but were sent away to the camp,
But had their bodies shipped back in the sealed coffins,
"Died of pneumonia."”

Stephen Vincent Benét (1898–1943) poet, short story writer, novelist

"Died trying to escape."
Litany for Dictatorships (1935)

Stupidity

“A despot doesn't fear eloquent writers preaching freedom — he fears a drunken poet who may crack a joke that will take hold.”

E. B. White (1899–1985) American writer

Salt Water Farm http://books.google.com/books?id=njRHAAAAYAAJ&q=%22A+despot+doesn't+fear+eloquent+writers+preaching+freedom+he+fears+a+drunken+poet+who+may+crack+a+joke+that+will+take+hold%22&pg=PA52#v=onepage One Man's Meat (1942)

Fear, Freedom

“An old racetrack joke reminds you that your program contains all the winners' names. I stare at my typewriter keys with the same thought.”

Mignon McLaughlin (1913–1983) American journalist

The Complete Neurotic's Notebook (1981), Unclassified

“An overstrained sense of manliness is the characteristic of seafaring men. This often gives an appearance of want of feeling, and even of cruelty. From this, if a man comes within an ace of breaking his neck and escapes, it is made a joke of; and no notice must be taken of a bruise or cut; and expression of pity, or any show of attention, would look sisterly, and unbecoming a man who has to face the rough and tumble of such a life. From this cause, too, the sick are neglected at sea, and, whatever sailors may be ashore, a sick man finds little sympathy or attention, forward or aft. A man, too, can have nothing peculiar or sacred on board ship; for all the nicer feelings they take pride in disregarding, both in themselves and others. A "thin-skinned" man could hardly live on shipboard. One would be torn raw unless he had the hide of an ox.”

Richard Henry Dana Jr. book Two Years Before the Mast

Source: Two Years Before the Mast (1840), p. 236-237

Life, Men, Feeling, Sense

“Despite the bare butts and crude sex jokes -- or because of them -- this Adam Sandler vehicle addresses some of the biggest political problems of our time. … At the very least, it's got to be the first picture to use smelly-feet jokes as a means of parsing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But more than that, it's a mainstream movie that dares to make jokes about the kinds of complex political realities that most of us don't dare bring up at dinner parties.”

Stephanie Zacharek (1963) American film critic

Review http://www.salon.com/ent/movies/review/2008/06/06/zohan/ of You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)

Sex, Problem, Reality, Time

“All I can tell you with certainty is that I, for one, have no self, and that I am unwilling or unable to perpetrate upon myself the joke of a self…. What I have instead is a variety of impersonations I can do, and not only of myself — a troupe of players that I have internalised, a permanent company of actors that I can call upon when a self is required…. I am a theater and nothing more than a theater.”

Philip Roth book The Counterlife

Source: The Counterlife (1986), Ch. 5

“Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets.”

Zach Galifianakis (1969) American actor and comedian

Saturday Night Live (May 4, 2013)

“Many of the symbols, word-plays and secret patterns with which the novel abounds seem to be used out of sheer ebullience, as though the author was playing some sort of game with himself and did not much care whether he was observed or not. Chinese devotees of the novel often continue to read and reread it throughout their lives and to discover more of these little private jokes each time they read it.”

David Hawkes (sinologist) (1923–2009) British sinologist

Source: Preface to The Golden Days, 1973, p. 45

Secret, Game, Time, Reading

“Music, for me, is a love bewitched. / Fame as a painter? / Writer, modern poet? Bad joke. / So I have no calling, and loaf.”

Paul Klee (1879–1940) German Swiss painter

Quote (1899), # 67, in The Diaries of Paul Klee, translation: Pierre B. Schneider, R. Y. Zachary and Max Knight; publisher, University of California Press, 1964
1895 - 1902

Love, Music

“Rosey Grier, immortalized in needlepoint - and by my own hands to boot! If anyone would have told me that I would go from football to needlepoint, I would have laughed in their face. In fact, the whole thing started as a joke, but it's turned into one of the most enjoyable and satisfying things I've ever done. I try to turn other guys on to needlepoint wherever I go - from the dude sitting next to me on a plane to the guy working behind the scenes on a movie set. 'Smile all you want,' I tell them, 'but if you try it once, you'll keep on coming back for more,' and that's the truth brother.”

Rosey Grier (1932) Player of American football

(January 1, 1973). Needlepoint for Men. Walker Co, Back Cover. ISBN 0802704212.

Truth, Smile, Guy, Football

“Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.”

Robert Orben (1928) American magician and writer

Janet Cawley (September 22, 1988) "The Joke's On George, Mike, Dan and Lloyd", Chicago Tribune, p. 23.

People, Thinking, Reading

“Maybe Nina wouldn't have died if I hadn't moved in with them and drawn Sheener after me, but I can't feel guilty about that. I tried hard to be a good foster daughter to them, and they were happy with me. What happened was that life dropped a big custard pie on us, and that's not my fault; you can never see the custard pies coming. It's not good slapstick if you see the pie coming."
"Custard pie?" he asked, perplexed. "You see life as a slapstick comedy? Like the Three Stooges?"
"Partly."
"Life is just a joke then?"
"No. Life is serious and a joke at the same time."
"But how can that be?”

Dean Koontz book Lightning

"If you don't know," she said, "maybe I should be the one asking the questions here."
Part I, Chapter 2.10, dialog between 12-year-old Laura Shane and a psychotherapist after the death of her foster mother
Lightning (1988)

Life, Happiness, Feeling, Question

“It's all been a bad joke that just ran out of control. I got into food for fun but the business got a mind of its own. Now — my good Lord — look where it has gotten me. My products are on supermarket shelves, in cinemas, in the theater. And they say show business is odd.”

Paul Newman (1925–2008) American actor and film director

Quoted in "Saint Paul," interview with John Aldridge, The Guardian (2005-04-10)

Food, Business

“You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox.”

Ken Dodd (1927–2018) English comedian, singer-songwriter and actor

Home, Thinking

“An old paleontological in joke proclaims that mammalian evolution is a tale told by teeth mating to produce slightly altered descendant teeth.”

Stephen Jay Gould book Wonderful Life

Source: Wonderful Life (1989), p. 60

“I reproach myself for a gross error. But I would reproach myself more if I had persisted in an error after observations revealed it clearly to be that. I made a deal of money in the late 1940s on the bull side, ignoring Satchel Paige’s advice to Lot’s wife, “Never look back.” Rather I would advocate Samuelson’s Law: “Always look back. You may learn something from your residuals. Usually one’s forecasts are not so good as one remembers them; the difference may be instructive.” The dictum “If you must forecast, forecast often,” is neither a joke nor a confession of impotence. It is a recognition of the primacy of brute fact over pretty theory. That part of the future that cannot be related to the present’s past is precisely what science cannot hope to capture. Fortunately, there is plenty of work for science to do, plenty of scientific tasks not yet done.”

Paul A. Samuelson (1915–2009) American economist

February 1985, in William Breit and Roger W. Spencer (ed.) Lives of the laureates
1980s–1990s

Money, Law, Hope, Error

“A young person today has a nanosecond attention span, so whatever you do in a humor has to be short. Younger people do not wait for anything that takes time to develop. We're going totally to one-liners. Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.”

Robert Orben (1928) American magician and writer

Warren St. John, The New York Times (May 28, 2005) "Wit's end: The death of the joke - Old-style wisecracks are passe in an age of decreasing attention spans, political correctness and the Internet", The Orlando Sentinel, p. E1.

People, Time, Waiting, Personality

“If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?”

Robert Orben (1928) American magician and writer

Thomas J. Brazaitis (March 14, 1992) "Comics' Barbs Keep White House Hopefuls On The Run", The Plain Dealer, p. 4A.

People

“It's difficult to talk to people who whisper even at home, afraid of Americans eavesdropping on them. It’s not a figure of speech, not a joke, I'm serious.”

Vladimir Putin (1952) President of Russia, former Prime Minister

(17 April 2014) http://on.rt.com/vqds8o 2011 - 2015

People, Home

“In actual fact, the female function is to explore, discover, invent, solve problems crack jokes, make music - all with love. In other words, create a magic world.”

Valerie Solanas (1936–1988) American radical feminist and writer. Attempted to assassinate Andy Warhol.

Source: SCUM MANIFESTO (1967), p. 6.

Love, World, Music, Problem

“Nigel: Why the cheap jokes?
Jack: Cheap? When I was a kid, we were made to stay away from school on Empire Days so we wouldn't have to wave one of those little Union Jacks. We were the richest country in the world then, or so I'm told, and my old man bow-legged from malnutrition. Us kids nearly died laughing.”

Dennis Potter (1935–1994) English television dramatist, screenwriter and journalist

Vote, vote, vote for Nigel Barton (1965)

World, School, Country

“(On being censored): “It amazes me how afraid they are of 1 person…. basically a joke blower!””

Bill Hicks (1961–1994) American comedian

Relentless (1992)

Personality

“He brought his malformed wisdom, his pool-hall, locker-room, joke-book wisdom to the front.”

John Steinbeck book Burning Bright

Act One: The Circus. "He" is Victor.
Burning Bright (1950)

Wisdom, Books

“And what exactly is a dream, and what exactly is a joke?”

Syd Barrett (1946–2006) English musician

Jugband Blues

Dreams

“He went to the finest of private schools, and I am a public school graduate. Given the poor state of public schools it is obvious why everybody makes all those jokes about me.”

Dan Quayle (1947) American politician, lawyer

About Al Gore, (Newsweek, 1 September 1992)

School

“The lives of other people seemed even more farcical than his own. It astonished him that as farcical as most people's live were, they generally gave no sign of it. Why was it that it was he not they who had decided to shoot himself? How did they manage to deceive themselves and even appear to live normally, work as usual, play golf, tell jokes, argue politics? Was he crazy or was it rather the case that other people went to any length to disguise from themselves the fact that their lives were farcical? He couldn't decide.”

Walker Percy book The Second Coming

The Second Coming (1980)

People, Appearance

“"Call me Meier," Goring said, but he did not pause to explain the joke.”

Philip José Farmer (1918–2009) American science fiction writer

Source: The Riverworld series, The Magic Labyrinth (1980), Ch. 19

“A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.”

Daniel Tosh (1975) American stand-up comedian

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"”

Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) American stand-up comedian

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

People, Way, Hell, Thinking

“I'd never malign another performer, but the style is not good enough. They've done away with laugh pay-offs. We were given nine minutes or eight minutes. Now they wander wherever they like, they don't get to any jokes before they've been on for two minutes. We had to make an impact in ten seconds.”

Max Bygraves (1922–2012) Singer, comedian, actor

Deprecating modern comedians; Metro, 2002 http://www.metro.co.uk/showbiz/interviews/202-max-bygraves#ixzz1hg6bdBeK

“A key characteristic of the engineering culture is that the individual engineer’s commitment is to technical challenge rather than to a given company. There is no intrinsic loyalty to an employer as such. An employer is good only for providing the sandbox in which to play. If there is no challenge or if resources fail to be provided, the engineer will seek employment elsewhere. In the engineering culture, people, organization, and bureaucracy are constraints to be overcome. In the ideal organization everything is automated so that people cannot screw it up. There is a joke that says it all. A plant is being managed by one man and one dog. It is the job of the man to feed the dog, and it is the job of the dog to keep the man from touching the equipment. Or, as two Boeing engineers were overheard to say during a landing at Seattle, “What a waste it is to have those people in the cockpit when the plane could land itself perfectly well.” Just as there is no loyalty to an employer, there is no loyalty to the customer. As we will see later, if trade-offs had to be made between building the next generation of “fun” computers and meeting the needs of “dumb” customers who wanted turnkey products, the engineers at DEC always opted for technological advancement and paid attention only to those customers who provided a technical challenge.”

Edgar H. Schein (1928) Psychologist

Edgar H. Schein (2010). Dec Is Dead, Long Live Dec: The Lasting Legacy of Digital Equiment Corporation. p. 60

People, Dogs, Loyalty

“A Senator of the U. S., a woman, is still a sort of political joke with our masculine leaders in party politics.. But the trail has been blazed! The road is apparently rough—maybe rocky—but the trail has been located. It is an established fact. While it is also a romantic adventure, it will ever remain an historical precedent—never to be erased.”

Rebecca Latimer Felton (1835–1930) American politician

Nov. 7, 1922 [Who was Rebecca L. Felton?, http://www.wilkinsons.com/Bananna/2005/08/who-was-rebecca-l-felton.html, Banana Stew, August 2, 2005].

“The trenches wound in meandering lines and white faces peered from dark dugouts – a lot of men were still preparing the positions, and everywhere among them there were graves. Where they sat, beside their dugouts, even between the sandbags, crosses stuck out. Corpses jammed in among them. It sounds like fiction – one man was frying potatoes on a grave next to his dugout. The existence of life here had already become a paradoxical joke.”

Max Beckmann (1884–1950) German painter, draftsman, printmaker, sculptor and writer

a letter to his first wife Minna, from the front, 21 May, 1915; as quoted in Letters of the great artists – from Blake to Pollock, Richard Friedenthal, Thames and Hudson, London, 1963, p. 213
1900s - 1920s

Life, Men

“I may make jokes about Microsoft at times, but at the same time, I think the Microsoft hatred is a disease.”

Linus Torvalds (1969) Finnish-American software engineer and hacker

Microsoft Patches Linux; Linus Responds, 2009-06-22, Torvalds, Linus, 2009-06-26 http://www.linux-mag.com/cache/7439/1.html, 2000s, 2009

Disease, Thinking, Time

“I still feel just as I told you, that I shall come safely out of this war. I felt so the other day when danger was near. I certainly enjoyed the excitement of fighting our way out of Giles to the Narrows as much as any excitement I ever experienced. I had a good deal of anxiety the first hour or two on account of my command, but not a particle on my own account. After that, and after I saw that we were getting on well, it was really jolly. We all joked and laughed and cheered constantly.”

Rutherford B. Hayes (1822–1893) American politician, 19th President of the United States (in office from 1877 to 1881)

Letter to Lucy Webb Hayes (26 May 1862)
Diary and Letters of Rutherford Birchard Hayes (1922 - 1926)

War, Way, Feeling, Fight

“Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes… it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]”

Jack Benny (1894–1974) comedian, vaudeville performer, and radio, television, and film actor

The Jack Benny Program (Radio: 1932-1955), The Jack Benny Program (Television: 1950-1965)

Heart

“The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies…I'm not really a lawyer.”

Tina Fey (1970) American comedian, writer, producer and actress

citation needed

Sex

“Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!”

Kathy Griffin (1960) American actress and comedian

Strong Black Woman (2006)

Love, Thinking

“We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for "add sugar to."”

Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) American stand-up comedian

Mitch All Together (2003)

““Liquor does this? Even after you’re sober?”
“A cruel joke, isn’t it? The gods put a price tag on everything, it seems.””

Scott Lynch The Lies of Locke Lamora

Interlude “The Last Mistake” section 1 (p. 179)
The Lies of Locke Lamora (2006)

God

“I guess that is my biggest fear, sort of worrying about the fact that I keep getting more insecure as time goes on rather than feeling more grand with each turn. I feel more and more afraid. When I get my picture taken, I'm convinced it's because I must look terrible and they're going to put it in US Weekly as a joke.”

Natasha Lyonne (1979) actress

Suicidegirls interview (2004)

Fear, Feeling, Time

“I am apt to hire musicians sometimes because I know they will have some good jokes to tell.”

Mark Heard (1951–1992) American musician and record producer

Life in the Industry: A Musician's Diary

“If you have to do something, write me a funny AIDS play. Sure you can. It's the biggest joke played on us since sex itself - and with the longest punch line.”

Robert Patrick (playwright) (1937) Playwright, poet, lyricist, short story writer, novelist

Pouf Positive
Untold Decades: Seven Comedies of Gay Romance (1988)

Sex

“Chief of staff is the only White House job with two titles: chief and staff. The first allows for structure and accountability. The second, well, just remember whose name was on the ballot, check your ego at the door and understand you're there to serve the President and ensure that his—or, someday, her—vision is being executed. When I had the role, I used to joke on Fridays, "Lucky us, just two more workdays until Monday." It's an all-consuming, thankless job—but walking through those gates at the beginning and end of each day, no matter how early or late, brings a tingle to your spine. The day that goes away is the day it's time to go.”

Rahm Emanuel (1959) politician, investment banker, White House Chief of Staff

Time magazine, April 20, 2017. http://time.com/collection/2017-time-100/4736339/reince-priebus/

Understanding, Time, Housing

“I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)”

Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) American stand-up comedian

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

Love

“[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters…”

Craig Ferguson (1962) Scottish-born American television host, stand-up comedian, writer, actor, director, author, producer and voice a…

citation needed
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated

People

“Either I am going mad, or this country has lost its marbles, especially when it comes to our legal system. Listen to this. A child murderer had been awarded compensation because the food in jail did not cater for his Islamic beliefs — it was not halal. Halal food bans pork, and all other animals must be slaughtered in a certain way. I didn't know you had to kill cabbages. The baby killer is a Muslim. For four months, in the Maryborough Correctional Centre, he was fed a vegetarian diet. He complained to QCAT (the Queensland Civil and Administrative Tribunal), and he got $3000. When I tell you what this callous bastard did, I think you'll agree he's lucky to even get bread and water. In some countries, he wouldn't still be alive to even get a meal. Raymond Akhtar Ali ran an halal butcher's shop. He was married, but started having an affair with a 22-year-old employee, Amanda Blackwell. The Supreme Court was told she become his "sex slave"; he got her pregnant. When the baby was born in secret, this devout Muslim killed the child, and the butcher, butchered the baby. The dismemebered body was buried throughout his house. In 2000, Ali was sentenced to life imprisonment. And this killer, due for parole next year, had the audacity to complain about the jail food. So he was fed vegetables. So what? This is a sick joke.”

Derryn Hinch (1944) New Zealand–Australian media personality

Today Tonight, 15 August 2013.

Life, Secret, Food, Sex

“I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.”

Jimmy Carr (1972) British comedian and humourist

Charlotte Cripps (January 31, 2007) "Stand up and be counted, comedians", The Independent.

Thinking, Success

“A fifty-seven-year-old college professor expressed it this way: "Yes, there's a need for male lib and hardly anyone writes about it the way it really is, though a few make jokes. My gut reaction, which is what you asked for, is that men—the famous male chauvinist pigs who neglect their wives, underpay their women employees, and rule the world—are literally slaves. They're out there picking that cotton, sweating, swearing, taking lashes from the boss, working fifty hours a week to support themselves and the plantation, only then to come back to the house to do another twenty hours a week rinsing dishes, toting trash bags, writing checks, and acting as butlers at the parties. It's true of young husbands and middleaged husbands. Young bachelors may have a nice deal for a couple of years after graduating, but I've forgotten, and I'll never again be young! Old men. Some have it sweet, some have it sour."Man's role—how has it affected my life? At thirty-five, I chose to emphasize family togetherness and income and neglect my profession if necessary. At fifty-seven, I see no reward for time spent with and for the family, in terms of love or appreciation. I see a thousand punishments for neglecting my profession. I'm just tired and have come close to just walking away from it and starting over; just research, publish, teach, administer, play tennis, and travel. Why haven't I? Guilt. And love. And fear of loneliness. How should the man's role in my family change? I really don't know how it can, but I'd like a lot more time to do my thing."”

Herb Goldberg (1937–2019) American psychologist

In Harness: The Male Condition, pp. 6–7
The Hazards of Being Male (1976)

Love, Life, Women, Men

“Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.”

Jimmy Carr (1972) British comedian and humourist

Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves (September 21, 2006) Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?, Gotham, ISBN 1592402356, p. 3.

World, Way

“Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way. The visuals are grubby and drab. The characters are unkempt and have rotten teeth. Breathing tubes hang from their noses like ropes of snot. The soundtrack sounds like the boom mike is being slammed against the inside of a 55-gallon drum. The plot. … Some movies run off the rails. This one is like the train crash in The Fugitive. I watched it in mounting gloom, realizing I was witnessing something historic, a film that for decades to come will be the punch line of jokes about bad movies.”

Roger Ebert (1942–2013) American film critic, author, journalist, and TV presenter

Review http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/battlefield-earth-2000 of Battlefield Earth (12 May 2000) Reviews, Half-star reviews

Hostility, Way, Time, Training

“I am not Dwight Schrute, okay? I played a character for 200 episodes, and it was an awesome character, and he was a beet farmer. That doesn’t mean you should hand me beets or make beet jokes every time I go into Starbucks and ask if they have like a beet latte or something like that.”

Rainn Wilson (1966) actor

July 2017 interview with Entertainment Weekly http://ew.com/tv/2017/07/14/rainn-wilson-rant-not-dwight-schrute-the-office/

Time

“What the country needs is a good big laugh. … If someone could get off a good joke every ten days, I think our troubles would be over.”

Herbert Hoover (1874–1964) 31st President of the United States of America

Statement http://books.google.com/books?id=6swLAAAAYAAJ&q=%22What+the+country+needs+is+a+good+big+laugh%22+%22if+some+one+could+get+off+a+good+joke+every+ten+days+i+think+our+troubles+would+be+over%22&pg=PA4#v=onepage to Raymond Clapper http://www.gwu.edu/~erpapers/teachinger/glossary/clapper-raymond.cfm (c. February 1931)

Thinking, Country

“It's true that what is morbid is highly valued today,
and so you may think that I am only joking
or that I've devised just one more means
of praising Art with the help of irony.”

Czeslaw Milosz (1911–2004) Polish, poet, diplomat, prosaist, writer, and translator

"Ars Poetica?"

Art, Thinking, Help

“You know, OK, I made a few jokes — and they killed 3000 Americans. Fair trade.”

Ann Coulter (1961) author, political commentator

In response to request by a representative of Muslims for America to stop using the term "raghead" as detrimental to the cause of moderation, alienating to all Muslims and angering many, at a CPAC Conference Q&A (10 February 2006) http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2200579605&topic=218. 2006

“And I learned very early [Josef Albers was then ten years old] how to make imitation of wood grain. This is something I have in common with Georges Braque. Braque also learned very early from his father how to imitate marble or wood grain. So I could easily make the appearance of oak or walnut on pine. That is very easy; a very simple technique. And I learned how to imitate marble. I never made such a good joke as Braque did. When he was in the Mediterranean he fooled his friends. He painted a rowboat that had wood on one side and marble on the other side. You see, when he'd row out of the city it looked as if he were in a boat of a different material than when he came back, you see, one side was imitation wood and the other side was imitation marble.”

Josef Albers (1888–1976) German-American artist and educator

Homage to the square' (1964), Oral history interview with Josef Albers' (1968)

Fools, Learning, Appearance, Painting

“My travelling companion [= Corot] has just abandoned me. He's a perfect Father Joy, this Father Corot. He is altogether a wonderful man, who mixes jokes in with his very good advice.”

Charles-François Daubigny (1817–1878) French painter

Quote about Corot, in his letter of 1852; as cited in Corot, Gary Tinterow, Michael Pantazzi, Vincent Pomarède - Galeries nationales du Grand Palais (France), National Gallery of Canada, Metropolitan Museum of Art (New York, N.Y.), 1996, p.271 – note 62
Corot's relationship with Daubigny was by far his most important friendship with another artist, during the 1860-70's
1840s - 1850s

Travel, Joy, Perfection

“A joke's a very serious thing.”

Charles Churchill (satirist) (1731–1764) British poet

Book IV, line 1386
The Ghost (1763)

Quotes about joke page 4

Quotes about joke
page 4