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Kathy Griffin Quotes

Kathleen Mary Griffin is an American comedian and actress. She has starred in numerous comedy specials for cable TV and has released comedy albums. In 2007 and 2008, Griffin won Primetime Emmy Awards for her reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. She has also appeared on TV and on film in numerous supporting roles.

Born in Oak Park, Illinois, she moved to Los Angeles in 1978, where she studied drama at the Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute and became a member of the improvisational comedy troupe The Groundlings. In the 1990s, Griffin began performing as a stand-up comedian and also appeared as a guest star on television shows. She achieved wider recognition after her role as a supporting character in the NBC sitcom Suddenly Susan .

Her Bravo reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List became a ratings hit for the network and earned her two Emmy Awards for Outstanding Reality Program. Griffin has released six comedy albums, all of which received Grammy Award nominations. Her first album, For Your Consideration , made her the first female comedian to debut at the top of the Billboard Top Comedy Albums chart. In 2009, she released her autobiography, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin.

Griffin has taped numerous standup comedy specials with HBO and Bravo. For the latter network, she has recorded 16 television specials, breaking the Guinness World record for the number of aired TV specials on any network, by any comedian in the history of comedy.In 2011, she also became the first comedian to have four televised specials in a year. Aside from her comedy career, she is an LGBTQ activist supporting same-sex marriage and the repeal of "Don't ask, don't tell". She has also participated in two USO tours. Griffin is known for her conversational style and controversial statements on celebrities, religion and sexuality. After being nominated for six years in a row for the Grammy for Best Comedy Album, she won the award in 2014. Wikipedia  

✵ 4. November 1960
Kathy Griffin photo
Kathy Griffin: 69 quotes1 like

Famous Kathy Griffin Quotes

“There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys…….. and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying.”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God…. Hi!"”

Kathy Griffin

Straight To Hell (2007)

Kathy Griffin Quotes about love

“Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!”

Kathy Griffin

The D-list (2004)

“I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits…. and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!”

Kathy Griffin

The D-list (2004)

“Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

“I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"……the way Courtney Love is a "singer."”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza.”

Kathy Griffin

The D-list (2004)

“I know you love her… you're gay and she's Celine Dion!”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

Kathy Griffin Quotes about guys

“I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders…because I'm romantic!”

Kathy Griffin

Straight To Hell (2007)

“All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys [Afghani men] aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV.”

Kathy Griffin

Hot Cup Of Talk (1998)

“She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.”

Kathy Griffin

Hot Cup Of Talk (1998)

“So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this "Burka - NO"! "Burka - BAD!"”

Kathy Griffin

Like he's one of my dogs!
Allegedly (2004)

“Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap).”

Kathy Griffin

Whores on Crutches (2010)

Kathy Griffin: Trending quotes

“Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.”

Kathy Griffin

The D-list (2004)

“Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!”

Kathy Griffin

Whores on Crutches (2010)

“People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

Kathy Griffin Quotes

“She wouldn't shake my hand! I said "C'mon, be a gentleman."”

Kathy Griffin

Whores on Crutches (2010)

“Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be…ahm…. voluptuous!”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“I saw Larry King and he was interviewing Pam Anderson. And it was really fun because Pam Anderson…remember when Pam Anderson did her hepatitis tour? Remember when she got hepatitis and then she did a press tour about it, because she is very conscious of woman's issues, and she went on Larry King and she's talking about it. Oh, and by the way, she said she got it from Tommy Lee, which, of course, she did. And Tommy Lee said she got it from a door knob. And…I'm sure that's at least what she got from Tommy Lee. I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks before, I got crabs just from looking at him. So, anyway, she's talking a minute and then she had had her boobs reduced, you know, she keeps getting reduced and bigger and stuff. And then, Larry has the balls to say to her (imitating Larry King), "Aren't you afraid of that plastic surgery?"”

Kathy Griffin

and, in the meantime, his ears meeting at the back of his neck.
Allegedly (2004)

“Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle.”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride… the first one… the boring one… the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"… I want the ride!”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?"”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually……. um….. retarded!”

Kathy Griffin

Straight To Hell (2007)

“Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out?"”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"…(looks puzzled)…. that's just everybody, right?”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

“(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like "We don't know that song yet…. it's not even (on the radio)…go Diva…. I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to…I don't…??"”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.”

Kathy Griffin

Straight To Hell (2007)

“This thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas… it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

“(Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) "I don't lahk it." I go, "What's the matter, honey?" and she goes "I don't lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters." PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, "No, it's polenta" and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes "Pimento?" I said, "No, that's an olive. "Polenta"”

Kathy Griffin

it's like mushed-up cornmeal." She goes, "I don't lahk it. I thought..." Mashed pateters, I got it.
The D-list (2004)

“Because Oprah would be like "DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???"”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank…haaa haaa haaa haaa…heugen fleugen heugen fleugen…hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda…”

Kathy Griffin

Whores on Crutches (2010)

“She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house!"”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it……….. and come back!”

Kathy Griffin

The D-list (2004)

“The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black……. I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life……”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never!"”

Kathy Griffin

Because it's a private time!!
Allegedly (2004)

“Alright, Macy Gray….. what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

“I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky."”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly.
The D-list (2004)

“And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

“We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)”

Kathy Griffin

Kathy Griffin: Hot Cup Of Talk http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0234018/ (1998) <br class="br">Hot Cup Of Talk (1998)

“I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom….. I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate.”

Kathy Griffin

Straight To Hell (2007)

“(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.”

Kathy Griffin

Hot Cup Of Talk (1998)

“I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

“(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off."”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?"”

Kathy Griffin

Strong Black Woman (2006)

“Uma Thurman is there……. with her big bag of BS!”

Kathy Griffin

The D-list (2004)

“Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing… and she doesn't get bogged down in any…. ahm…singing!”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“I knew the minute I heard the "gay inhale". He literally goes "Diva, what are you doing here?". It was heaven! I found my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan! He plonks down next to me, puts the tray down, puts his gun down… he's like "Errghh, girl, I'm on graveyard tonight… I am a wreck… I'm exhausted… my roommates are all snoring, yee-ukk, they're pigs! Anyway, what's going on with Ben and J-Lo?"”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess.”

Kathy Griffin

Straight To Hell (2007)

“(About Oprah Winfrey) She's very thin now, she's very cranky….. and very hungry!”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. That's the first time he's ever touched a woman.”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

“(About Joe Jackson) First of all, he's sitting there with the pimp hat, and the tattooed drag queen eyebrows. Like maybe this whole time, he just has a separate drag character that he does at night………named La Toya!”

Kathy Griffin

Balls of Steel (2009)

“Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.”

Kathy Griffin

Allegedly (2004)

“I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!”

Kathy Griffin

Straight To Hell (2007)

“Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!”

Kathy Griffin

Is... Not Nicole Kidman (2005)

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