Janet Evanovich Quotes

“Oh good. I love being bait for a homicidal mutilator."
Stephanie Plum”

“Morelli beeped his truck unlocked. “If you’re looking for your rent-a-cop, I told Ranger you’d be with me this morning.”
“Did he make you take a blood oath that you’d protect me?”
“He asked me if I had adequate health insurance.”

“I met a real looker. He picked me up at the two dollar slot machines, so you know he's no cheapskate."
Grandma Mazur”

“Truth is, I'm a good Catholic girl. The faith has always been elusive, but the guilt is intractable.”

“It's been almost a month since you found a body. I knew you were due."
Carl Costanza - Seven Up”

“Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.”

“My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”

“Nice dress. Take it off.”

“Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.”

“I hate mornings. They start so early.”

“I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"
Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum”

“I'm telling you, it's fu**ing hard to be classy”

“Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.”

“Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.”

“I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since.”

“Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex… a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.”

“I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.”

“I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.”

“How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show.”

“Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. --Stephanie Plum”

“Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.”

“Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who's knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that's some kind of record.”

“I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum”

“Cupcake, your middle name is trouble.”

“There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.”

“Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done.”

“I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman." -Ranger to Stephanie”

“You're a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick.”

“Happens to me all the time… People are always underestimating my dumbness.”

“I'm sorry about your Porsche."

"I can replace the Porsche. I can't replace you. You need to be more careful."

I was just sitting in your car!"

Babe, you're a magnet for disaster.”

“I shot that sucker right in the gumpy."
Grandma Mazur”

“Almost everybody I know has died,” Grandma said. “Bunch of wimps.”

“Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap
cheat sheet.”

“I see you looking at my cookies,' my father said to Morelli. 'Don't even think about it. Go get your own cookies.”

“You're a marshmallow. Soft and sweet and when you get heated up you go all gooey and delicious.”

“Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early."
-Ranger”

“If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office.”

“I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?”

“The way I see it, life is a jelly doughnut. You don't really know what it's about until you bite into it. And then, just when you decided it's good, you drop a big glob of jelly on your best T-shirt.”

“Gotta protect the little dudes. I tried an AK-47, but it wouldn't fit under my seat. I like the Uzi better, anyway. It looks better with the dress. The AK seems too casual to me.”

“This is war,' I yelled through the door.
Lucky for me,' Morelli said. 'I give good war.”

“If she wasn't your grandmother I'd shoot her."
Ranger”

“Ranger locked eyes with me. "Please," he said.
Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to "please." I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it.
Okay," I said. "Be careful. He's insane.”

“Its always nice to have a stud muffin at the table.”

“I looked over at him. "Is that a proposal?"

There was total silence for a couple beats. "I'm not sure. It just popped out."

"Let me know when you're sure."

"Would you say yes?" Morelli asked.

"I'm not sure.”

“Are you afraid of me?
Uh… yes.'
The smile stayed fixed in place. 'You should be. You locked me in a refrigerator truck with three dead people. Sooner or later I'm going to get you for it.”

“I checked my phone messages. Three in all.

The first was from Joe. “Hey, Cupcake.” That was it. That was the whole message.

The second was from Ranger. “Yo.” Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.”

“Ranger sent us to check on you," Hal said. "We just got here, and we heard shots."
"Some moron ate my jelly doughnut," Lula said. "So I shot him.”

“Mooner was walking around laying his hands on the cars, divining karma. "this is it", he said, standing by a small khaki-colored jeep."this car has protective qualities"
You mean like a guardian angel?"
I mean, like, it has seatbelts”

“When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school.”

“You think I'm gonna feel better eatin' a carrot? Get a grip. There's two idiots out there trying to kill me, and you think I'm gonna waste my last breath on a vegetable? (Lula)”

“It's a penis,' Grandma said. 'Stephanie got it in the mail. It's a pretty good one too.”

“One Ranger is all you'll ever need. - Ranger”

“I wasn’t a fabulous cook. I didn’t have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn’t a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot.”

“You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms."
Joe Morelli”

“There's me and then there's you, and you aren't ever going to be as good as me, Sweet Thing."
Ranger”