Dave Attell Quotes

“Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times you've had? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables."”

“Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!"”

“Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abe Lincoln lookin motherfucker. Oh MOLASSES!”

“You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.”

“Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.”

“Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.”

“I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.”

“So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.”

“(talking about how girls like mystery) Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.”

“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."”

“So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.”

“Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, “Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?””

“My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.”

“You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.”

“Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.”

“Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.”

“I'm drinking Jack and I started blacking out. You ever black out? Or as I call it, time travel? You ever do that? Oh yeah! You know how it is -- you're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in another bar. You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in North Dakota, "Yeah! Yeah! Winner fixes the tranny! Yeah". You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in White Castle -- working there 3 years, STILL not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can't 'cause you're banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. They say she's a little retarded, but those titties ain't retarded!”

“I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle…then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. Never invite me to a birthday party.”

“I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.”

“Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!”

“Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.”

“Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.”

“I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.”

“Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.”

“That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.”

“Tattoos are cool because they don’t belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don’t like fruit. I don’t like it! Long bike ride? I’m out. Hot dog eating contest? I’m listening.”