Michael McIntyre Quotes (15 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

Michael McIntyre: 15 quotes1 like

Famous Michael McIntyre Quotes

“And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?"”

Michael McIntyre

"TRAFFIC!!!"
Live and Laughing (2008)

“[On paying the toll at the Severn Bridge] It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to the lanes!! Order, order, back in order OK but I had fun while it lasted.”

Michael McIntyre

The Comedy Roadshow

“It's never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say "I’m from London" people go [high pitched excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?" "Uh… North London." If they know it they get more excited. [more excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?" "Muswell Hill" [even more excited voice] "Where abouts? Where abouts?!" "Do you know Sainsbury’s?"”

Michael McIntyre

"Yeeeeeeessssssssss!"
Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

“People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. [imitating old person] "020767944!" [exasperated person on other end] "I know that, I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers. Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle."”

Michael McIntyre

Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

“See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name."”

Michael McIntyre

Live and Laughing (2008)

“[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."”

Michael McIntyre

Live and Laughing (2008)

Michael McIntyre Quotes about people

“[about public transport] It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes… this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.”

Michael McIntyre

Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

“And everyone's reading, you have to read, you can't be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. [imitates line of people reading newspaper] Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage?”

Michael McIntyre

Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

“[about travelling by train]"Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards.”

Michael McIntyre

Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

Michael McIntyre Quotes

“[imitating a scottish person] (on Scottish money) I think you'll find pal, that's legal tender.”

Michael McIntyre

Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

“My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. [baby voice] "Car, car, map, car!" [normal voice] I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble.”

Michael McIntyre

Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

“Scottish Guy heckled… "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newborn Scottish baby!”

Michael McIntyre

“I went "0-7…" and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0…" and he went "0-7-0…" "No! 0-7…" "0-7-0-0-7…" "No! 0…7…" "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no…!"”

Michael McIntyre

Anyway, he hasn't called.
Live and Laughing (2008)

“[About becoming a kid's TV presenter] Could you not interrupt Mr. Penguin?!”

Michael McIntyre

The Comedy Roadshow

“[Scottish accent] "We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!"”

Michael McIntyre

Source: Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)

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