Dave Attell: Likeness

Dave Attell is comedian. Explore interesting quotes on likeness.

Dave Attell: 56 quotes4 likes

“This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money …. "Ta---da!"”

I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell

“Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.”

"Skanks for the Memories"

“Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.”

"Captain Miserable"

“(talking about how girls like mystery) Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.”

Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell

“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."”

Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell

“I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle…then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. Never invite me to a birthday party.”

"Skanks for the Memories"

“Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!”

"Skanks for the Memories"

“Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.”

Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell

“I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.”

Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell

“Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.”

"Captain Miserable"

“That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.”

"Captain Miserable"

“Tattoos are cool because they don’t belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don’t like fruit. I don’t like it! Long bike ride? I’m out. Hot dog eating contest? I’m listening.”

"Skanks for the Memories"