Tom Lehrer Quotes

Thomas Andrew Lehrer is a retired American musician, singer-songwriter, satirist, and mathematician. He has lectured on mathematics and musical theater. He is best known for the pithy, humorous songs he recorded in the 1950s and 1960s.

Lehrer’s work often parodies popular song forms, though he usually creates original melodies when doing so. A notable exception is "The Elements", where he sets the names of the chemical elements to the tune of the Major-General's song from Gilbert and Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance. Lehrer's early work typically dealt with non-topical subject matter and was noted for its black humor in songs such as "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park". In the 1960s, he produced a number of songs dealing with social and political issues of the day, particularly when he wrote for the U.S. version of the television show That Was the Week That Was. Despite their topical subjects and references, the popularity of these songs has endured; Lehrer quoted a friend's explanation: "Always predict the worst and you'll be hailed as a prophet."

In the early 1970s, he mostly retired from public performances to devote his time to teaching mathematics and music theatre at the University of California, Santa Cruz.

✵ 9. April 1928
Tom Lehrer photo
Tom Lehrer: 60   quotes 5   likes

Famous Tom Lehrer Quotes

“Life is like a sewer — what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

It's always seemed to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic, positive thinking that we so desperately need today in these trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha.
Introduction to "We Will All Go Together When We Go"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.”

"Be Prepared"
Songs by Tom Lehrer (1953)

“Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media.”

On the current state of satire, in Rhino Records online chat (17 June 1997)
Context: Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now — to quote myself at my most pretentious — is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste. For example, the freedom (hooray!) to say almost anything you want on television about society's problems has been co-opted (alas!) by the freedom to talk instead about flatulence, orgasms, genitalia, masturbation, etc., etc., and to replace real comment with pop-culture references and so-called "adult" language. Irreverence is easy — what's hard is wit.

“It's people like that who make you realize how little you've accomplished. It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.”

Introduction to "Alma"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)
Context: Last December 13th, there appeared in the newspapers the juiciest, spiciest, raciest obituary it has ever been my pleasure to read.
It was that of a lady named Alma Mahler Gropius Werfel, who had, in her lifetime, managed to acquire as lovers practically all of the top creative men in central Europe. And, among these lovers, who were listed in the obituary, by the way, which is what made it so interesting, there were three whom she went so far as to marry: One of the leading composers of the day, Gustav Mahler, composer of "Das Lied von der Erde" and other light classics, one of the leading architects, Walter Gropius, of the "Bauhaus" school of design, and one of the leading writers, Franz Werfel, author of the "Song of Bernadette" and other masterpieces.
It's people like that who make you realize how little you've accomplished. It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

“I feel that if any songs are gonna come out of World War III, we'd better start writing them now.”

Introduction to "So Long Mom (A Song For World War III)
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

Tom Lehrer Quotes about people

“I don't like people to get the idea that I have to do this for a living. I mean, it isn't as though I had to do this, you know, I could be making, oh, 3000 dollars a year just teaching.”

Intro to "Lobachevsky"
Songs by Tom Lehrer (1953)
Context: I always like to make explicit the fact that before I went off not too long ago to fight in the trenches, I was a mathematician by profession. I don't like people to get the idea that I have to do this for a living. I mean, it isn't as though I had to do this, you know, I could be making, oh, 3000 dollars a year just teaching.

“I think my target was not so much evil, but benign stupidity people doing stupid things without realising or, instead, thinking they were doing good.”

Quotes from interviews, Sydney Morning Herald interview (2003)
Context: You can make fun with Saddam Hussein jokes … but you can't make fun of, say, the concentration camps. I think my target was not so much evil, but benign stupidity people doing stupid things without realising or, instead, thinking they were doing good.

Tom Lehrer Quotes about thinking

“No one is more dangerous than someone who thinks he has "The Truth". To be an atheist is almost as arrogant as to be a fundamentalist.”

Responding to a question on whether he considered himself an atheist or an agnostic, in an interview at celebathiests.com (June 1996) http://web.archive.org/web/20061027073138/http://www.celebatheists.com/index.php?title=Tom_Lehrer
Context: No one is more dangerous than someone who thinks he has "The Truth". To be an atheist is almost as arrogant as to be a fundamentalist. But then again, I can get pretty arrogant.

Tom Lehrer: Trending quotes

“I have become, you might call it mature — I would call it senile — and I can see both sides. But you can't write a satirical song with 'but on the other hand' in it, or 'however'. It's got to be one-sided.”

Quotes from interviews, Sydney Morning Herald interview (2003)
Context: Things are much more complicated. Feminism versus pornography, for example. There are a lot of feminists who think it is bad, but others think it's good.
I have become, you might call it mature — I would call it senile — and I can see both sides. But you can't write a satirical song with 'but on the other hand' in it, or 'however'. It's got to be one-sided.

“Last December 13th, there appeared in the newspapers the juiciest, spiciest, raciest obituary it has ever been my pleasure to read.”

Introduction to "Alma"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)
Context: Last December 13th, there appeared in the newspapers the juiciest, spiciest, raciest obituary it has ever been my pleasure to read.
It was that of a lady named Alma Mahler Gropius Werfel, who had, in her lifetime, managed to acquire as lovers practically all of the top creative men in central Europe. And, among these lovers, who were listed in the obituary, by the way, which is what made it so interesting, there were three whom she went so far as to marry: One of the leading composers of the day, Gustav Mahler, composer of "Das Lied von der Erde" and other light classics, one of the leading architects, Walter Gropius, of the "Bauhaus" school of design, and one of the leading writers, Franz Werfel, author of the "Song of Bernadette" and other masterpieces.
It's people like that who make you realize how little you've accomplished. It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

“I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. … And that's not funny.”

Quotes from interviews, Sydney Morning Herald interview (2003)
Context: I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. … And that's not funny. … OK, well, if I say that, I might get a shock laugh, but it's not really satire.

Tom Lehrer Quotes

“I would like to state at this time that I am not now and have never been… a member of the Boy Scouts of America.”

Introduction to "Be Prepared"
Songs by Tom Lehrer (1953)
Context: I would like to state at this time that I am not now and have never been... a member of the Boy Scouts of America. Their motto is, as you know, "Be Prepared!" and that is the name of this song.

“As long as you're billed as a comedian, I guess you can say anything.”

Quotes from interviews, Insider Audio interview (1997)
Context: I remember when Richard Pryor said something about how in South Africa, all the black people should pick up guns and kill all the white people, and they went right on with the interview, and nobody stopped him on that. "Oh good old Richard, what a card." As long as you're billed as a comedian, I guess you can say anything.

“Things are much more complicated.”

Quotes from interviews, Sydney Morning Herald interview (2003)
Context: Things are much more complicated. Feminism versus pornography, for example. There are a lot of feminists who think it is bad, but others think it's good.
I have become, you might call it mature — I would call it senile — and I can see both sides. But you can't write a satirical song with 'but on the other hand' in it, or 'however'. It's got to be one-sided.

“Irreverence is easy, but what is hard is wit.”

Quotes from interviews, Sydney Morning Herald interview (2003)
Variant: Irreverence is easy — what's hard is wit.
Context: One of the problems I see with these comics on television, particularly cable television, is, since you can say anything in terms of sex and scatological references and so on, therefore, you should do it. So they all limit themselves to these subjects and this vocabulary. My objection is that it is a lack of articulateness … Irreverence is easy, but what is hard is wit. Wit is what these comedians lack.

“I don't understand poetry. We studied it in high school and college, but they never told us why it was good.”

Quotes from interviews, Insider Audio interview (1997)
Context: I don't appreciate poetry--I don't mind admitting that now, I don't understand poetry. We studied it in high school and college, but they never told us why it was good. I got A's on all the exams--"Hail to thee blithe spirit, bird thou never wert"-- what the hell does that mean? I have no idea.

“I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up.”

Afterword to "Alma"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)
Context: Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love: husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on, and in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up.

“It's only for a week so have no fear!
Be grateful that it doesn't last all year!”

"National Brotherhood Week", closing stanza
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

“I do have a cause, though. It is obscenity. I'm for it.”

Introduction to "Smut"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

“I'd like to take you now, on wings of song as it were, and try and help you forget for a while your drab, wretched lives.”

Introduction to "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“Oh, the white folks hate the black folks,
And the black folks hate the white folks;
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established rule.”

"National Brotherhood Week"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)
Variant: Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks,
And the rich folks hate the poor folks.
All of my folks hate all of your folks,
It's American as apple pie.

“I really don't consider myself a performer by temperament.”

Insider Audio interview (1997)

“Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.”

On the awarding of the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize to Henry Kissinger, and Lê Ðức Thọ; one of his most quoted quips, it is often mentioned in articles and interviews, including "Stop clapping, this is serious" in Sydney Morning Herald (1 March 2003) http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/02/28/1046407753895.html

“Oh, soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. Oooh.”

"Bright College Days"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“But don't panic. Base eight is just like base ten really — if you're missing two fingers.”

"New Math"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

“People are stupider than anybody.”

AV Club interview (2000)

“You know, of all the songs I have ever sung, that is the one I've had the most requests not to.”

Afterword to "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
Songs by Tom Lehrer (1953)

“Step up and shake the hand
Of someone you can't stand,
You can tolerate him if you try!”

"National Brotherhood Week"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

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