Mitch Hedberg: Trending quotes

“I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!”

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”

“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”

“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

“Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.”

“Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."”

“I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.”

“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”

“I was at the airport a while back and some guy said "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport… About a minute ago… And you were good."”

“I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”

“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”

“See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."”

“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

“If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"”

“I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.”

“You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people!”

“A guy told me he liked cherries… But… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato… Before I realized he likes cherries just… All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”

“I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'…potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH."”

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”