Mitch Hedberg: Trending quotes

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Mitch Hedberg: 202 quotes4 likes

“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”

Mitch Hedberg

track 3, "Not Track Five, Not Chainsaw Juggler"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I was at the airport a while back and some guy said "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport… About a minute ago… And you were good."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”

Mitch Hedberg

track 17, "Movie Pot"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"”

Mitch Hedberg

Videos and Audio from Hedberg.com

“I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people!”

Mitch Hedberg

Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“A guy told me he liked cherries… But… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato… Before I realized he likes cherries just… All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'…potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH."”

Mitch Hedberg

I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God-god dammit-dammit.
Mitch All Together (2003)

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)