“A guy told me he liked cherries… But… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato… Before I realized he likes cherries just… All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”

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Mitch Hedberg101

American stand-up comedian 1968–2005

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“I kissed a girl and I liked it,
The taste of her cherry chap stick.
I kissed a girl just to try it,
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it.
It felt so wrong,
It felt so right,
Don't mean I'm in love tonight.
I kissed a girl and I liked it,
I liked it.”

Katy Perry (1984) American singer, songwriter and actress

I Kissed a Girl, written by Katy Perry, Lukasz Gottwald, Max Martin, and Cathy Dennis
Song lyrics, One of the Boys (2008)

“It was silly but incredibly sweet, these people spending so much energy trying to figure me out. The answer: I don't like cherries.”

Gillian Flynn book Gone Girl

Source: Gone Girl

“Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be… Fuckin'… Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off.”

Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) American stand-up comedian

Mitch All Together (2003)

“You'd give up drinking to go see your dad?"
"Well, not permanently," he said. "That'd be ridiculous. But maybe I could switch to something slightly cheaper for a while. Like… slushes. Do you know how much I love those? Cherry, especially.”

Richelle Mead book The Golden Lily

Source: The Golden Lily

“I used to hang out with Bryan down at The Rec. They were going to a comic book show, Kevin, Bryan and Walter. Bryan invited me and told Kevin that Jason Mewes kid's gonna come. And Kevin was like, "Oh, man, I don't want that dude going." He's like, "I ain't driving him." And Bryan was like, "All right. I'll drive." Kevin tells the story better, but when we were driving up — I don't remember, really, but he said I was saying all this stuff and Bryan and Walter were laughing and the whole time he was like, "This guy ain't funny. He ain't funny." He seemed like he really didn't like me. I think that was the first time I met him — he didn't want me coming with them to the comic book show. He didn't even know me, really, but he just didn't want me going. And then one day at The Rec I wound up doing something funny and that's when he started to like me.”

Jason Mewes (1974) American actor

View Askew interview (1999)

“Please don't make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe. I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one… I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity.”

Marilyn Monroe (1926–1962) American actress, model, and singer

Context: Please don't make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe. I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one... I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity... If fame goes by, so long, I've had you, fame. If it goes by, I've always known it was fickle. So at least it's something I experienced, but that's not where I live.

Her last taped interview, with Richard Meryman, published in LIFE magazine a few days before her death. (3 August 1962); quoted in Ms. magazine (August 1972)

“Like I told you, I'm not a magician," he says. "If something isn't working, I don't try to guess.”

Uri Geller (1946) Israeli illusionist

Calev Ben-David, "A Life of the Mind," The Jerusalem Report, September 8, 1994, Pg. 46

“I find this guy [Michael Berg] despicable. Everything in me says that. The want to be a better person today than I was yesterday says he's a dad, he's grieving, but I don't buy that. I'm sorry, I don't buy it. I think he is grieving, but I think he's a scumbag as well. I don't like this guy at all.”

Glenn Beck (1964) U.S. talk radio and television host

The Glenn Beck Program
Premiere Radio Networks
2004-05-14
Clear Channel radio host railed against Nick Berg's father, called him a "scumbag"
Media Matters for America
2004-05-17
http://mediamatters.org/items/200405170002
Radio host who called Nick Berg's father "a scumbag" responded to MMFA report: "I think public opinion will grow closer and closer to mine"
Media Matters for America
2004-05-18
http://mediamatters.org/items/200405180002
2000s

“I am not a comic, I have never told a joke… The comedian's promise is that he will go out there and make you laugh with him… My only promise is that I will try to entertain you as best I can…. They say, 'Oh wow, Andy Kaufman, he's a really funny guy.' But I'm not trying to be funny. I just want to play with their heads.”

Andy Kaufman (1949–1984) American stand-up comedian and actor

Kaufman explaining his act

“I told him, "We're all gay. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I'm like, "Yeah, you are and I'll prove it." He goes, "Fine, prove it." I'm like, "All right, do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I'm, "Oh, o you only watch two women together?" He goes, "No, I'll watch a man and a woman making love." I said, "Oh, do you like the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?"”

Ron White (1956) American comedian

He said, "No, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause, applause) ...I did not know that about myself."
You Can't Fix Stupid

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