Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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“If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread…. You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."”

“I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

“Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'… wait, what?”

“I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"”

“My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'"”

“I like it when people laugh for no reason… like that lady over there.”

“I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.”

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

“I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just an, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."”

“I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music… So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin.'”

“If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package… Day 2, work on deliciousness.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah."”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?”

“I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"”

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.”

“A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.”

“I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana…I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so…yeah.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.”

“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!"”

“I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.”

“Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one… and every one on the bottom row!"”

“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

“This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be… Fuckin'… Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off.”

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”

“I dressed up for the CD.”

“I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is… fucking… clean.”

“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”

“You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show.”