Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

“Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap. When you stub your toe on the foot of the bed, that was a gap in knowledge. And the pain is a lot of information really quick. That's what pain is.”

“The biggest laugh has to come at the end.”

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”

“When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.”

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.”

“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”

“The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, "Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!" Once you put that helmet on them, "You're in the luge, buddy!" "aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA… aaaAAAAA…" World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.”

“To me, America used to be a place that made steel, and cars, and had giant department stores. Now, basically, we produce amateur talent and people [who] judge amateur talent.”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

“The pitch for the show, the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later”

“Economy is essential to all good fart.”

“What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”

“I read that speaking in front of a crowd is the number-one fear in America. I found that amazing. Number two was death. Number two! That means that, if you're ever at a funeral, you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.”

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”

“The best revenge is living well.”

“And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”

“I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

“I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!”

“Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.”

“You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day”

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

“Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to…. To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."”

“There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, "I would like to order the Ginsu Knife."”

“The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.”

“Why is McDonald's still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion…who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonald's, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonald's: We're Doing Very Well.'”

“I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.”

“Men and women will never understand each other; my advice is to just stop trying. Just forget it. I know I will never understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root…and still be afraid of a spider.”

“I'll tell you the greatest thing that I've ever achieved in my career: I was on the cover of Mad magazine. And of course, I'm saying "Hello Neuman."”

“Comedy is more personal than food.”

“The comedian studies himself; the actor studies other people. The comedian wants to be himself; the actor wants to be anyone but themselves.”

“It was the back nine [episodes of a season], was the backbreaker for us, right? You [can] kind of figure out the first ten over the summer; you pull three more out of nowhere; and then the back nine is just-- you're Sandra Bullock in Gravity.”

“I don't think I felt "at home" on Earth, as a human, until I walked into a comedy club.”

“Comedians have such an intense allergy to pretension.”

“The real motivation of bein' a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh. And if you love that, you will never want to stop.”

“A [stand-up] bit is a bar of gold. A talk-show panel story is something that's too good to throw out but not good enough to use.”

“Do you know the first thing I said as a child, before I said "Mama" or "Dada"? I said "Leave me alone!"”

“I don't know why people always assume that the guest is more interesting than the host.”

“God has no rhyme or reason to who he gives a sense of humor to.”

“Bee Movie was definitely my favorite movie that I've starred in, because I've always wanted to be a bee. They seem to have the most organized society on earth, and they make honey! Which is a pretty amazing product.”

“Poetry is bad standup. It's carefully chosen words that have no laugh at the end.”

“Stand-up is what I am.”

“A joke is a miracle.”