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Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

Jeffrey Marshall Foxworthy is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television personality, radio personality and author. He is a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, a comedy troupe which also comprises Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White. Known for his "You might be a redneck" one-liners, Foxworthy has released six major-label comedy albums. His first two albums were each certified 3× Platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America. Foxworthy has written several books based on his redneck jokes, as well as an autobiography entitled No Shirt, No Shoes... No Problem!Foxworthy has also made several ventures into television, starting in the mid-1990s with his own sitcom called The Jeff Foxworthy Show. He has also appeared alongside Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy in several Blue Collar television specials, most notably Blue Collar TV. Since 2007, he has been the host of the quiz show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? on Fox and in syndication . Foxworthy hosted a nationally syndicated radio show called The Foxworthy Countdown from April 1999 to December 2009. For three seasons, he hosted GSN's The American Bible Challenge.



Wikipedia  

✵ 6. September 1958
Jeff Foxworthy photo
Jeff Foxworthy: 31   quotes 2   likes

Famous Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

“[On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Totally Committed (1998)

“I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.”

Jeff Foxworthy

The Tonight Show, 27 March 2007

“My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."”

Jeff Foxworthy

You Might Be a Redneck If… (1993)

“People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."”

Jeff Foxworthy

Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy

“If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)
Variant: If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

Jeff Foxworthy Quotes about cars

“A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

“Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!”

Jeff Foxworthy

Games Rednecks Play (1995)

“My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

“Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

“[about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]
I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more airtime than a skateboard at the X-Games."”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

Jeff Foxworthy Quotes about time

“When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more."”

Jeff Foxworthy

You Might Be a Redneck If… (1993)

“[Talking about "The First Singles Apartment"] They're all furnished pretty much the same way. In your bedroom, you have the mattress on the floor, protected by a mountain of dirty clothes, milk crates for night stands, lava lamp with a permanent glob in the bottom, stolen road sign on the wall, a blanket for a curtain. Out in the hall it was the mystery stain on the carpet, Budwiser mirror on the wall. Out on the balcony it was the rusted-out Hibachi grill, plant with no leaves on it, bike with no chain on it. In the den you had the spool. If you get one of those, you'll be like "it's coffee table time!" Next to that, the $9,000.00 stereo. We're going hungry, but we've got tunes! That was the stereo, you could turn it on after midnight and make the people down the street wet the bed. And the beanbag chair with duct tape on it to keep the stuff from fallin' out of it.”

Jeff Foxworthy

You Might Be a Redneck If… (1993)

“Women [in bed] are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like…bottle rockets. Ooh. Aah. <snores”

Jeff Foxworthy

Totally Committed (1998)

Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

“We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.”

Jeff Foxworthy

2007 CMT Awards
Context: Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

War

“Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

“It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did… My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like "Oww! What was that for?" She said "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy."”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

Faith , Dreams , Night , Happiness

“[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."”

Jeff Foxworthy

Games Rednecks Play (1995)

“I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

Family , Feeling

“On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Totally Committed (1998)

Life , Law

“Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy

Sex

“I think {the designated driver program} is a great idea, because anything is safer than the way we used to do it: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"…The only problem with the designated driver program {is} it's not the world's most desirable job…But if you ever get talked into doing it, have fun with the group. Like at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard or something.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Games Rednecks Play (1995)

World , Way , Home , Idea

“Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"”

Jeff Foxworthy

You Might Be a Redneck If… (1993)

Women , Men , Hell , Baby

“You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

School , Learning

“(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars!"”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

“Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. And if you play with 'em too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer. I like to shake my daughter up, then hand her to people I don't like. "Hold her just a minute, would you?"”

Jeff Foxworthy

You Might Be a Redneck If… (1993)

People , Beer , Baby , Daughters

“[about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change]
She goes "I'll bet it was a counterfeit million dollar bill."”

Jeff Foxworthy

Kinda like your high school diploma, huh?
Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

School , Change , Reading

“You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Totally Committed (1998)

Housing

“[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]
When I get in the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out of the shower, there's five little girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest one, who's really funny, she said "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "Well, I'm gonna tell the five of you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she said "They are not, or the dog would be dead!"”

Jeff Foxworthy

I hate a smart child.
Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

Hate , Dogs , Girl , Boy

“You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"”

Jeff Foxworthy

Games Rednecks Play (1995)

World , Family

“If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.”

Jeff Foxworthy

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

Football , Game

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