Christopher Moore Quotes

“And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.”

“Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.”

“It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.”

“You want me and I want you. right?"
Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right.”

“Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write.

Why me?”

“The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. […] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.”

“He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.”

“Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.”

“If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them. The key — and this is very relevant in our case — is to find someone whose insanity dovetails with your own.”

“I think I'm what they call a never-was.”

“I love you above all things, even pie.”

“Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.”

“No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture.”

“Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell”

“Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?”

“If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.”

“Children see magic because they look for it.”

“Blessed are the dumbfucks.”

“There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.”

“That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.”

“Not unlike the toaster, I control darkness.”

“She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.”

“Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor.”

“Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.”

“Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.”

“You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.”

“There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.”

“Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.”

“The Science you don't know looks like magic.”

“The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door.”

“Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.”

“I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry.”

“Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.”

“It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.”

“It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?”

“She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.”

“He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.”

“You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"
"It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize."
"Must be a human thing."
"Exactly.”

“Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.”

“This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.”

“He was a writer and words were his weapons.”

“Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.”

“I've won Satan's lottery.”

“The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States.”

“Routine feeds the illusion of safety…”

“Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both.”

“There's always a bloody ghost.”

“By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.”

“This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank.”

“Oh, I would while away the hours,
Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song,
I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie,
If I only had a schlong.”

“That's the scary thing about hope," she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith.”

“Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus.”

“Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live.”

“I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something.”

“They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?”

“Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.”

“We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity,, the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets.”

“But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age."

"I thought you liked redheads."

"I do. What's your point?”

“Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk”

“Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves.”

“Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messy”

“… You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong?
Charlie: No, no, I’m okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it’s unsettling.”

“I'll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me.”

“So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.

"This is death toast sweety.”

“I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.”

“Heinous fuckery most foul!”