Christopher Moore Quotes

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“King Lear: What is your name?
Kent / Caius: Caius.
King Lear: And whence do you hale?
Kent / Caius: From Bonking, Sire.
King Lear: Well, yes, lad as do we all.”

“She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked.”

“Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".”

“May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.”

“She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.”

“It's like time travel only, you know, slower…”

“It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer… a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale.”

“He has the attention span of a hummingbird.”

“The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring -- much like a doctor's waiting room.”

“The value of the work we do is the value we give to it.”

“Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair..”

“… but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?”

“She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species.”

“Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?”

“Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, is that duck wearing trousers?
Mrs. Ling: Could be…. You hear of paper-wrap chicken? This duck in pants.”

“Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess”

“All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?”

“Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light.”

“Adeline had come to Christianity the same way she had come to sex and smoking:through peer pressure. Thinking about her six kids and her smoker's hack, she wondered if perhaps peer pressure didn't always lead to the best habits.”

“… And so Charlie Asher… led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso.”

“We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again.”

“Will there be heinous fuckery, Pocket?”

“That's a horrible plan."
"Yes, but I have chosen to ignore that.”

“All fear comes from trying to see the future, Biff. If you know what is coming, you aren't afraid.”

“Cofishes-other fish in a group, coworkers, cohorts, etc. Shut up, it's a word.”

“Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.”

“The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.”

“The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.”

“Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.”

“If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.”

“Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening.”

“Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose.”

“I fear you may become a lonely man, even in the company of others.”

“Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!”

“You're going to break my heart, aren't you?”

“Unless you can change the past, you’re wasting the present on this guilt”

“Yo, yo, yo, check it out," said PJ, with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome”

“Compliment but do not covet.”

“Fornication with your daughters thats like a double dog sin.”

“You should feel what it is like to pleasure a falcon. You lock talons with her in the sky and do it while you both are falling like meteors. You would like it; they never complain if you come too fast.”

“Tension among a bunch of neurotics is just more interesting for a story than is a description of dedicated professionals doing their work and getting along, which is the case in reality. When in doubt, assume I made it up.”

“I fink I gots deaf on me willie.”

“When the oil of the lamp is used up the wanker shall light his own way to salvation.”

“Mary: You can read?
Pocket: I was raised in a nunnery, wench. I'm a walking library of learning bound in comely leather, suitable for stroking at your service, should you fancy a bit of culture to go with your lack of breeding…or vice verse of course.”

“And so that is the story of how St. Rufus of Pipewrench was licked to death by marmots.”

“The Ghost: I'm sorry to haunt you while you're rogering the help.
Pocket: The rogering has not commenced, wisp. I have barely bridled the horse for a moist and bawdy ride. Now, go away!”

“Regardless of its purpose, the humpback-whale song is the most complex piece of nonhuman composition on earth. Whether it's art, prayer, or booty call, the humpback song is an amazing thing to experience firsthand, and I suspect that even once the science of it is put to bed, it will remain, as long as they sing, magic.”

“Moses should have said "Let my people go. Please."”

“Fancy a spot of stony bonking before vespers?”