Ron White Quotes

Ronald Dee White is an American stand-up comedian, actor and author, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Nicknamed "Tater Salad", he is the author of the book I Had the Right to Remain Silent But I Didn't Have the Ability, which appeared on the New York Times best seller list. Wikipedia  

✵ 18. December 1956
Ron White photo
Ron White: 45   quotes 5   likes

Famous Ron White Quotes

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!”

They Call Me Tater Salad
Variant: I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Source: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

Ron White Quotes

“You can't fix stupid!”

Source: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

“I'm sweating scotch out of every pore in my body.”

You Can't Fix Stupid

“The next time you have a thought…let it go.”

You Can't Fix Stupid

“To the troops. [Audience cheers as he drinks scotch]”

Behavioral Problems

“She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus, Ohio…and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do it at a point in the relationship when you're having a lot of sex. So you're willing to sign the papers. "I'll only have sex with you, ever-ever-ever…ever." Well, if that person stops having sex altogether… why, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in awhile, it's hard to keep me under the porch. I'm not as flexible as real dog. And I'll tell you what happened, too. I was in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't been laid in three months. Three months! You can't go three months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. I did a show one night. I came offstage, there's gorgeous woman, maybe 35, 40 years old, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS. Gimme a second. Just…And I walk off stage, she goes, "I thought you were hilarious. I wanna buy you a drink." I'm like, "I can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanna have sex, big boy. I asked if you wanna have a drink at my place."…Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that sits on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and your moral fortitude? I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months either. He was speechless for like 20 minutes then he was like, "Suck her titty!"…"I was gonna!" I was having a 3-way with my conscience. Soon as the whole thing's over, he's back at his post, saying, "That was wrong, mister!" "Hey! 15 minutes ago, you were beating off on my shoulder, monkey boy!"”

I hate him. He smokes pot. He burned a hole in my other jacket.
They Call Me Tater Salad

“Don't drink and drive. That's what they say. They also say, friends don't let friends drive drunk.”

Well, which one is it? Somebody's gotta drive.
Source: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (2018 Netflix special)

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