“I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm telling him funny stories out of Reader's Digest. His head started to swell, I said "This ain't working."”

He goes, "READ FASTER!!"
They Call Me Tater Salad

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Ron White45

American comedian 1956

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“I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally?"”

Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American comedian

I never said that. <br class="br">Interview with Roger Ebert in Esquire magazine (7 March 1972); more on this at Snopes.com: "I Love My Cigar" http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/grouchocigar.asp

“If the rat had not looked over his shoulder, perhaps his heart would not have broken. And it is possible, then, that I would not have a story to tell. But, reader, he did look.”

Kate DiCamillo book The Tale of Despereaux

The Tale of Despereaux (2004)

“[having been recognized by a woman in a diner]
She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is…." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."”

Bill Engvall (1957) American comedian and actor

[looks up] Really God? Really?
Aged and Confused (2009)

“Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?"

Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd… prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.”

Jim Butcher book Ghost Story

Source: Ghost Story

“Well I hope he's got his fuel card with him he could buy some more. If I was him I would get out of the car and head straight to the airport I would not want to come back to the pits!(Alesi fails to acknowledge the pit-boards telling him to come in and runs out of fuel)”

Martin Brundle (1959) British racecar driver

“I have never had trouble with conflicting interpretations of my work. Once the story is published, it belongs to the reader.”

Michael Moorcock (1939) English writer, editor, critic

Introduction (p. viii)
The Wrecks of Time aka The Rituals of Infinity (1967)

“If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread…. You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."”

Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) American stand-up comedian

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I did a piece about four years ago about coming out. Telling my parents that I'm gay. It occurred to me that my parents have known for years that I'm gay. I'm sure of it. They have never told me; they have never needed to tell me. In some ways I will never be gay to them. And they would prefer that I never use that word with them. They know the man that I have been closest to. They also know that he's godfather to two of my nephews. They invite him to Christmas dinner. They know he's part of my life. When he had the flu this Christmas they knew I had to leave early, and no one protested. Will he ever be introduced as my lover? No”

Richard Rodríguez (1944) American journalist and essayist

Violating the Boundaries: An Interview with Richard Rodriguez (1999)

“Oddly enough, I was in Paris, the last show of a Soundgarden tour. I didn't know him that well, but I had friends who were trying to talk to him and it wasn't working out. I had this idea that when I got home, I'd try and sit down with him.”

Chris Cornell (1964–2017) American singer-songwriter, musician

When asked where he was when he learned that Kurt Cobain had killed himself ** Blender Magazine, June 2005 http://chriscornellfanblog.atspace.com/Articles/blender05.htm, <br class="br">Audioslave Era

“Eventually there was a split between my parents about me. My mother obviously knew what was going on with me and the girls my friends lined up. She never came out and said anything directly, but she let me know she was concerned. Things were different between me and my father. He assumed that when I was eighteen, I would just go into the Army and they would straighten me out. He accepted some of the things my mother condemned. He felt it was perfectly all right to make out with all the girls I could. In fact, he was proud I was dating the fast girls. He bragged about them to his friends. 'Jesus Christ, you should see some of the women my son's coming up with'. He was showing off, of course. But still, our whole relationship had changed because I'd established myself by winning a few trophies and now had some girls. He was particularly excited about the girls. And he liked the idea that I didn't get involved. 'That's right, Arnold', he'd say, as though he'd had endless experience, 'never be fooled by them'. That continued to be an avenue of communication between us for a couple of years. In fact, the few nights I took girls home when I was on leave from the Army, my father was always very pleasant and would bring out a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947) actor, businessman and politician of Austrian-American heritage

Arnold: The Education of a Bodybuilder https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/067122879X (1977), New York: Simon & Schuster. <br class="br">1970s, Arnold: The Education of a Bodybuilder (1977)

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