Nicole Hollander Quotes

“(Man in bar) Can you imagine a world without men? (Sylvia) No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.”

“Television news announcer) The Senate passed a bill today that would outlaw abortion unless the doctor's life is in danger. **(p. 30”

“(Young girl rejecting Devil's attempt to purchase her soul) Bag your face.... You set off the smoke detector, ham breath.”

“(Voice on television) Midol relives the special pain that women get (Sylvia) when they realize they picked the wrong man, again.”

“(Cat in bed) The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago recently identified a new species of fish…virtually extinct in the wild, and they haven't even named it yet. I dreamt I ate it.”

“(Television) Angry women beat up shoe salesman who posed as gynecologist. (Sylvia) I hate guys who do that.”

“(First Bad Girl) Conservatives say gay marriage undermines the institution of marriage....(Second Bad Girl) The minute women got driver's licenses, marriage was doomed.”

“(Woman psychic) In June of 1987, men will begin talking about their feelings; women all over America will be sorry within minutes.”

“(Television) Men are naturally more aggressive than women. (Sylvia) All the more reason to keep them locked up after dark.”

“(Man in suit to Indian woman) Oh guru, ancient mother of the world, we men have been crippled. We have never learned how to feel; we don't even know how to cry. Oh my wise guru, can you teach me to cry? (Guru) Sure. No problem. Tomorrow I'll start you at a dead-end job, pay you at women's wages and then I'll throw in sole support of a pre-school child.”

“(Television) Alabama's ban against vibrators stands…State says there's no constitutional right to an orgasm. (Sylvia) Rita, get my copy of the Bill of Rights. (Rita) I think that's in the Declaration of Independence.”

“(Woman on television) Frank, Frank, make me feel like a woman. (Man on television) Could you pick up my laundry?”

“(Sylvia) I'm staying in this tub until the Soviets pull out of Afghanistan.”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) "Superwoman." The definition is 1. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to fight evil. 2. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to combine a family and a career.”

“(Television) Being a woman is as much a state of mind as a state of being. (Sylvia) Right. You stop paying attention, you might turn into a tuna.”

“(Bartender Harry) What's your ethnic background? (Sylvia) Woman.”

“(Woman) I'm curious about my demise. (Devil)…at a party…When you hear about the latest presidential betrayal on an issue you hold dear, you pitch over the terrace railing and fall 43 stories.”

“(Sylvia) Being a monopoly means never having to say you're sorry.”

“(Television) The insurance industry is perfectly willing to stop discriminating against women, if some other group would volunteer to take their place.”

“(Television) If women want time off to bear children, they can't expect to be treated as equals. (Sylvia) Okay, give men time off to bear children.”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) What is Newt Gingrich's Real Name? 1) Newton Minnow 2) Fig Newton 3) Isaac Newton 4) Wayne Newton”

“(First Bad Girl) The Southern Baptist convention decided that women should submit graciously to their husbands. (Second Bad Girl) Graciously? Seems like submitting would be enough. (First Bad Girl) Who wants submission with attitude? (Second Bad Girl) Even the IRS doesn't ask for "gracious."”

“(Man on television) Man is the hunter. Woman is the civilizing influence, and when women abandon that role, men become (Sylvia) Cranky, and start wars.”

“(Television announcer) The Supreme Court staggered the nation today when they ruled that conception begins the minute you think about sex.”

“(Woman sitting by swimming pool) To me the most important quality in a kitchen is that it be in someone else's house, or in a restaurant.”

“(Dr. Paul Johns, animal linguist, on cats) It seems their entire language consists of two phrases, uttered with varying degrees of intensity: "Hurry that dinner, willya" and "Everything here is mine."”

“(Sylvia) A really good haircut is as effective in changing one’s life as A) 3 months of psychotherapy. B) 6 months of psychotherapy.”

“(Voice on television) Mom, can a douche make you feel more confident? (Sylvia) Not like a good stock portfolio.”

“(Television) The brain is differently wired in men and women. (Sylvia) In men, the wires are loose.”

“(Cat) So she says I can’t have catnip any more because it’s like a drug. So, like, what’s she worried about: I’m not going to do well in school or what?”

“(Sylvia FineLine greeting card) Before you showed us your financial statement, we felt poor…but after leaving your house, we felt so pumped we bought a second car!”

“(Wicked witch hexing babies) Women of future generations will have undreamt of career opportunities. You two will use yours to despoil the environment.”

“(Sylvia driving to nervous passenger Venusian Gernif) Don't be silly. You're not going to be the first interplanetary traveler to die in a Chevy.”

“(Woman in office) Help, I am a rich woman being kept prisoner in a working woman's body.”

“(Voice on television) Honey, I love you, but I got to be moving on. (Sylvia) Break his kneecaps.”

“(Television) A recent study concludes that women over 40 have statistically as much chance of getting killed by a terrorist as of getting married. (Sylvia) And would rather.”

“(Signs on refrigerator) Could be a leftover tuna casserole inside…Or one of those pesky, black…U. N. helicopters.”

“(Cartoon title) Don't throw that old diaphragm away! (Sylvia at typewriter) Because it can be used as: 1. Doorknob cover (no need to worry about fingerprints ever again) 2. Bathtub stopper 3) Rainhat for cat 4. Small frisbee.”

“(Mary Frances) …look-alike wives for humiliating public appearances…The pseudo-wife's job is to look supportive, while the real spouse is at home throwing his stuff out the window.”

“(Sylvia to Venusian Gernif): What would happen if you wore a dress? Well, some people would invite you to parties. And some people would attempt to beat you to death.”

“(Sylvia) You almost never see a real lady popping out of a cake.”

“(Man at bar) You know the kind of woman I could really go for?... Someone intelligent, witty, passionate about her work, totally involved in life, and willing to give it all up for me.”

“(Man at dinner table) Bet you don't know what a male swan is called. (Woman at dinner table) Sure I do. A swine.”

“(Sylvia) Things you can do when you’re a grown-up:....3) Default on a home equity loan and lose everything.”

“(Sylvia) Rita, I want to have my cake and eat it too. (Rita) Sorry, Ma, it only works for Republicans.”

“(Doctor in bed) I dreamt I died and went to Heaven and they handed me some old Ms. magazines, a paper sheet, and made me sit in a little room with a bunch of other doctors.”

“(Television) Humor will never be the same. Sarcasm, irony, and cynicism will disappear. (Sylvia) Right. I'm having mine surgically removed. (Rita) Ma, cut it out!”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) The best place to discuss your sexual dissatisfaction with your partner is 1) in the bedroom 2) in a car, traveling at high speed 3) in a crowded elevator.”

“(First woman)…Men lose their sense of humor as they get older…their brains shrink…So men will be getting grumpier, just as we're getting…(Second woman) Shorter.”

“(Sylvia) A cat who’s just been told that he’ll have to eat that special canned cat food that comes from the veterinarian for the rest of his life. (Cat) Shoot me now.”

“(Sylvia) Yes, feminism was the apple Eve bit into.”

“(Sylvia) I'm planning to live fast, die young, and make a good looking corpse. (Bartender Harry) I think you're off schedule.”

“(Woman organizing picnic) Most normal people would agree that pizza is nature's perfect food, right?”

“(Sylvia) In the beginning Eve was alone in Eden. (Eve) Everything is so beautiful and amicable. (Serpent) I bet deep down, you wish you had an irritating companion.”

“(Sylvia) Rita! Get my smelling salts! (Rita) Ma, you used them up when you discovered that repeal of the estate tax benefits only the very, very rich.”

“(Sylvia) There’s not enough coffee in the whole world to turn me into a functional human being.”

“(Television) Our station is experiencing technical difficulties, so please try and amuse yourselves in whatever way you did before you became so emotionally dependent on us.”

“(Woman psychic to woman client) So how come the tall, dark, handsome stranger I see in your future is a woman?”

“(Devil describes Hell) It's like you go to a Van Halen concert and you're the oldest one there, and there's a mix-up in the tickets, and you have to stand for the whole thing and it's hot and the kid next to you loses his lunch on your shoe.... I know.”

“(Sylvia) A mature person doesn’t scream at her waiter: “Don’t tell me your name and don’t put anything freshly ground on my salad!””

“(Television) We are aggressively striking the terrorists in Iraq, defeating them there so that we will not have to face them in our own country. (Sylvia) Oh, good. So once we get rid of those, there won't be any more.”