Nicole Hollander Quotes

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“(Sylvia) Rita! Is Bush still president? (Rita) Ma, I didn't want to tell you…You seemed so happy.”

“(Sylvia’s answering machine) Hi, at the sound of the beep please tell me what you like best about me.”

“(Sylvia to her daughter) Rita, your body may be a temple. Mine is a Chevy Vega.”

“(The Woman Who Does Everything Better Than You) …it's a worse shock to lose one of your five homes than it is to lose your only home. I'm sure psychologists will back me up on this.”

“(Television) Women hold up half the sky. (Sylvia) Uh huh, but in a poor neighborhood.”

“(Man in bar) The kind of woman I want just isn't around anymore. (Sylvia) Perhaps if you wait for a full moon.”

“(Telephone) Hi, this is Sylvia's opinion hotline…. How fair are you? Would you support laws mandating discrimination in hiring, housing, and employment against anyone who lacked a sense of humor, knowing that these laws would impact most heavily on fundamentalists?”

“(Second Bad Girl) Women who form relationships with murderers [in prison]. I don't get it. (First bad girl) Well, you know where they are at nights. (Second bad girl) At least, they're not lying on your couch watching TV.”

“(Woman to psychic) Which do you think is the more impossible dream: the perfect man or the perfect handbag?”

“(Cat) In 1989, I resolve to develop a longer attention…”

“Woman to Devil) I want to refinance my soul. (Devil) You’re going to take a bath on points. (p.78”

“(Pilot’s voice on airplane public address system) Geez, I’m sorry about that landing.... Why don’t I just go up and try again?”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) For feminine protection, every day use a hand grenade.”

“(Television) Spray and wash gets out what America gets into. (Sylvia) Send some to El Salvador.”

“(Sylvia) Rita! Did you hear that! Tax cuts benefit the rich! Oh, the shock! Quick, get my medication! (Rita) Plain, or with peanuts?”

“(Sign) Mid-year resolutions of the barely under-control. (Woman at desk) I will try to be more understanding of others. I will try to be more patient when dealing with the incompetent people that surround me. I will not slap anyone first thing in the morning. (Sign on desk) The buck stops before it gets here.”

“(Streetwalker to friend) First he wants me to put on bunny ears and patent leather shoes, then he wants me to eat a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. I go, "Mister, you are so sick. I don't do nitrites.”

“(Man in bar) How come only ugly women are for the equal rights amendment? (Sylvia) How come the guys who ask that question always have bad breath?”

“(Sylvia) Where do you stand?.... Do you think that people who like cake should be allowed to serve in combat positions?”

“(Television) There's a special feeling about being a woman. You do so much for everyone around you. But some days (Sylvia) You realize you've been had.”

“(Woman in bed) I dreamt that my HMO canceled my group insurance and I couldn't get an individual policy because I had a pre-existing condition, but they wouldn't tell me what it was.”

“(Man on television) Rita, you must believe me, alien beings are among us. (Sylvia) Yeah, in public office.”

“Man in bed, wearing glasses and suit) I dreamt I was in the shower with a bunch of gay guys and no one looked at me twice. **(p. 21”

“(Sylvia to blindfolded cat) Just put your paw on the map, and that's where we'll go for our vacation. It's a big country, and yet you picked Cleveland.”

“(Sylvia) What do you hope never to hear your pilot say? 1) ”I had the worst fight of my life with my wife this morning.” 2) “Let’s see how fast this baby will go.” 3) “Whoops.””

“(Man on television) The investment firm of Smith Barney: they make money the old-fashioned way--they earn it. (Sylvia) Right. The rest of us pick it off trees in the backyard.”

“(Man in bar) I like an older woman. (Sylvia) I'll pass that along.”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) I feel much lighter now that I've given up my civil liberties. I recommend it to everyone!”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) On Getting Old in America. By Sylvia. Page One. 1. Best to do it somewhere else.”

“(Sylvia) The experienced traveler always flies first class so that when the engine falls off the plane, she’s drinking champagne.”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) In the heat of the moment, I said a lot of unforgiveable things. Please call me. I've thought of a few more.”

“(Woman on telephone) Yes of course if you were imprisoned in a foreign land by a right-wing junta and our government was unresponsive to your plight, I would organize demonstrations and move heaven and earth for your release, but I'm not going to pick you up at the airport.”

“(Sylvia) [This] sends the wrong message to the international community. It says we support the U. N. only when it serves our interests exclusively. [pause] Wait a minute! That is our message.”

“(Sylvia to character in book she is reading, Death by) Get out of that tub! Get in your car and get out of there! (Character) Suddenly I felt compelled to get out of that tub and out of that motel. I dressed and hopped in my car. Later I stopped for gas, and met a great guy. We got married and raise cocker spaniels.”

“(Televison) Spokesmen for the right wing of the Republican Party are tying to associate the Democrats with a so-called feminist agenda…that causes women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. (Sylvia) Heavy schedule.”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) A lady never offers a new lover a complimentary tooth brush, razor and sewing kit the next morning.”

“(Woman at typewriter) Dear Syl,... Is nothing forever? (Sylvia) Red wine on a white couch.”