Nicole Hollander: Trending quotes

“(Man in bar) Can you imagine a world without men? (Sylvia) No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.”

“(Bartender Harry) How can you tell the male bird from the female bird? (Sylvia) He's the one with the furrowed brow; she's the happy-go-lucky one…. He's the one reading the sports page; she's the one with 12 pairs of tiny shoes. (Harry) I don't have time for this.”

“(Young girl rejecting Devil's attempt to purchase her soul) Bag your face.... You set off the smoke detector, ham breath.”

“Television news announcer) The Senate passed a bill today that would outlaw abortion unless the doctor's life is in danger. **(p. 30”

“(Voice on television) Midol relives the special pain that women get (Sylvia) when they realize they picked the wrong man, again.”

“(Cat in bed) The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago recently identified a new species of fish…virtually extinct in the wild, and they haven't even named it yet. I dreamt I ate it.”

“(Television) Alabama's ban against vibrators stands…State says there's no constitutional right to an orgasm. (Sylvia) Rita, get my copy of the Bill of Rights. (Rita) I think that's in the Declaration of Independence.”

“(Woman on television) Frank, Frank, make me feel like a woman. (Man on television) Could you pick up my laundry?”

“(Television) With men or boys at home, your bathroom needs cleaning every day. (Sylvia) Not if you bolt the door.”

“(Sylvia) I'm staying in this tub until the Soviets pull out of Afghanistan.”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) "Superwoman." The definition is 1. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to fight evil. 2. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to combine a family and a career.”

“(Television) Being a woman is as much a state of mind as a state of being. (Sylvia) Right. You stop paying attention, you might turn into a tuna.”

“(Bartender Harry) What's your ethnic background? (Sylvia) Woman.”

“(Woman) I'm curious about my demise. (Devil)…at a party…When you hear about the latest presidential betrayal on an issue you hold dear, you pitch over the terrace railing and fall 43 stories.”

“(Sylvia) Being a monopoly means never having to say you're sorry.”

“(Television) The insurance industry is perfectly willing to stop discriminating against women, if some other group would volunteer to take their place.”

“(Television) If women want time off to bear children, they can't expect to be treated as equals. (Sylvia) Okay, give men time off to bear children.”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) What is Newt Gingrich's Real Name? 1) Newton Minnow 2) Fig Newton 3) Isaac Newton 4) Wayne Newton”

“(First Bad Girl) The Southern Baptist convention decided that women should submit graciously to their husbands. (Second Bad Girl) Graciously? Seems like submitting would be enough. (First Bad Girl) Who wants submission with attitude? (Second Bad Girl) Even the IRS doesn't ask for "gracious."”