Joseph Heller Quotes

“That crazy bastard may be the only sane one left.”

“The wise man dies no better or more wisely than the fool. In what way, then, is the wise man wise?”

“How dispiriting I find it, even after all my personal triumphs, that we must grow up and grow sad, that we must age, weaken, and in time go home to our long home in the ground, and that even golden lads and girls all must, as chimney sweepers, come to dust.”

“"Is he in heaven? Is he in hell?"
"There is no heaven. There is no hell."
"There is no heaven? There is no hell?"
"That's all in your mind."”

“When I grow up I want to be a little boy.”

“[They] agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything.”

“He was one of those people with lots of intelligence but no brains”

“Major Major had lied, and it was good. He was not really surprised that it was good, for he had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie.”

“Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.”

“Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskoph had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times.”

“The God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be.”

“No one who ever wants praise will be satisfied with praise, the person who wants love cannot be satisfied with love. No want is ever fulfilled. And therefore I still don't know whether it is better to fear God and keep His commandments or to curse God and die.”

“God is a murderer, imagine that. I told you I had the best story in the Bible, didn't I? I have always known that He was. Sooner or later He murders us all, doesn't He, and we go back to the dust from which we came. So I'm no longer scared to defy him. All He can do is kill me.”

“If God was dead, how could I feel this bad?”

“He [God] owes me an apology too- at the very least. I'm not saying I shouldn't have been punished for those sins I committed. I'm saying that the punishments he chose were inhuman. I wonder what favor I'd want. I think I may be afraid to ask for it. I'm afraid He won't grant it. I'm more afraid that He will. Wouldn't it be tragic to find out that He really has been here all this time?”

“Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.”

“There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete and everybody is capable of everything”

“… [A]nything worth dying for… is certainly worth living for.”

“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind.”

“The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likeable. In three days no one could stand him.”

“The only wisdom I think I've attained is the wisdom to be skeptical of other people's ideology and other people's arguments. I tend to be a skeptic, I don't like dogmatic approaches by anybody.”

“The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.”

“He knew everything there was to know about literature, except how to enjoy it”

“Insanity is contagious.”

“Open your eyes, Clevinger. It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.”

“Why are they going to disappear him?'
I don't know.'
It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.”

“The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them.”

“Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window, and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.”

“The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likeable. In three days no one could stand him.”

“Be glad you're even alive.'
Be furious you're going to die.”

“I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long.”

““From now on I'm thinking only of me.” Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile: “But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way?” “Then,” said Yossarian, “I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?””

“Every writer I know has trouble writing.”

“There is no disappointment so numbing… as someone no better than you achieving more.”

“Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.”

“mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow.”

“Morale was deteriorating and it was all Yossarian's fault. The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them.”

“He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.”

“Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery or simple bad luck.”

“What do you do when it rains?"
The captain answered frankly. "I get wet.”

“You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate."

"Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously.”

“He was never without misery, and never without hope.”

“Where were you born?"
"On a battlefield," [Yossarian] answered.
"No, no. In what state were you born?"
"In a state of innocence.”

“He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive.”

“Let's take a drive into the middle of nowhere with a packet of Marlboro lights and talk about our lives.”

“There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.”

“Surely there can't be so many countries worth dying for.'
Anything worth living for,' said Nately, 'is worth dying for.'
And anything worth dying for,' answered the sacrilegious old man, 'is certainly worth living for.”

“You have no respect for excessive authority or obsolete traditions. You're dangerous and depraved, and you ought to be taken outside and shot!”

“Men," he began his address to the officers, measuring his pauses carefully. "You're American officers. The officers of no other army in the world can make that statement. Think about it.”

“She was the epitome of stately sorrow each time she smiled.”

“I am miracle ingredient Z-247. I'm immense. I'm a real, slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide supraman.”

“When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective.”

“I’m not running away from my responsibilities. I’m running to them. There’s nothing negative about running away to save my life.”

“Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.”

“For war there is always enough. It's peace that's expensive.”

“where are the snowdens of yesteryear?”

“I wouldn't want to live without strong misgivings.”

“Nately had a bad start. He came from a good family.”

“Hasn't it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?"
"Yes, sir, it has."
"Then why do you do it?"
"To assuage my fears of sexual impotence.”

“You're an intelligent person of great moral character who has taken a very courageous stand. I'm an intelligent person with no moral character at all, so I'm in an ideal position to appreciate it.”

“He was sick with lust and mesmerized with regret”

“Rise above principal and do what's right.”

“Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.”

“While none of the work we do is very important, it is important that we do a great deal of it.”

“Yossarian decided to change the subject. "Now you're changing the subject." he pointed out diplomatically. "I'll bet I can name two things to be miserable about for every one you can name to be thankful for.”

“Someone had to do something sometime. Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all.”