Groucho Marx Quotes

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“Hello, I must be going.”

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

“If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!”

“Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!”

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“Any place I hang my head is home.”

“All geniuses die young.”

“I'll teach you to kick me…'
You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”

“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”

“Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay,
I came to say, I must be going.
I’m glad I came, but just the same,
I must be going.”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”

“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”

“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?”

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does”

“Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!”

“My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.”

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.”

“All people are born alike… except Republicans and Democrats.”

“Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.”

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

“You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”

“Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer”

“Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.”

“I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

“That's bad luck: three on a midget.”

“You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!”

“I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me."
"What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.”

“Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”

“I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home."
Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:”

“My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.”

“I did a bond tour during the Second World War… We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St. Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities."”

“I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.”

“A likely story — and probably true.”

“They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.”

“To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.”

“I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally?"”

“Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER."”