“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”
Source: Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover
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“Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!”
Last words[citation needed]
Lord Palmerston had similar last words in 1865: "Die, my dear doctor! That's the last thing I shall do!"[citation needed]
Source: The Essential Groucho: Writings by, for, and about Groucho Marx
“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”
From his book Groucho and Me. It is a variation of a maxim by 17th-century French nobleman François de La Rochefoucauld: "In the adversity of our best friends, we often find something that is not displeasing." (Maxim 99 from Reflections; or Sentences and Moral Maxims, 1665 edition.)
“I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.”
When asked for a photograph for identification
The Groucho Phile (1976)
“Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”
As quoted in The Groucho Letters (1967) by Arthur Sheekman. The sentiment predates Marx by 61 years, however; it likely originated with John Galsworthy in The Forsyte Saga. In Part I, Chapter II, "Old Jolyon Goes to the Opera" http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/2559, it's said of Old Jolyon that, "He naturally despised the Club that did take him." after another refused him because he was in a trade.
Variant: I sent the club a wire stating: «Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member».
Source: Groucho and Me