Woody Allen Quotes

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

“It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.”

“I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.”

“You're still in love'
'No I'm not, I'm not She'll always be a part of me, and she's an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn't working.'
'What element?'
'We never found out”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”

“Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”

“Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.”

“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

“Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."”

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”

“Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.”

“Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.”

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

“Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

“You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.”

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.”

“I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”

“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

“I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“It's a match made in heaven… by a retarded angel.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“If it turns out that there is a God… the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”

“Political questions, if you go back thousands of years, are ephemeral, not important. History is the same thing over and over again.”

“I have no apprehension whatsoever. I've been through this so many times.”

“Showing up is 80 percent of life.”

“They're not interested. They've got their own lives, and their own problems, and their own shadows on their lungs, and their x-rays. And, you know, they've got their own stuff they're dealing with…. So, I'm just never nervous about it.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”

“My brain: it's my second favorite organ.”

“I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?”

“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

“The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”

“On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

“I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.”

“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

“The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”

“Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.”

“Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.”

“The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”

“The heart wants what it wants.”

“Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply."”

“You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”

“In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

“A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.”