Woody Allen Quotes

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“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

“Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.”

“I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

“I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”

“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

“he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something”

“Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.”

“Harry: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”

“I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.”

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.”

“Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.”

“Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”

“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”

“Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.”

“The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.”

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?”

“Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat… college”

“I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”

“I am at two with nature.”

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.”

“The wicked at heart probably know something.”

“I can't fight.
I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.”

“Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!”

“Living is messy.”

“Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
It'll be a year come April 20th.
I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday”

“We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices…”

“My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.”

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.”

“Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.”

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”

“Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”

“Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.”

“This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?”

“Eternal nothingness is O. K. if you're dressed for it.”

“It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.”

“You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.”

“I read in self-defense.”

“You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life”

“The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.”

“In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

“I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want”

“Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it… I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.”