Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me… and no one showed up.”

“In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ”

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. ”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. ”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie. ”

“Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. ”

“I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.”

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“I was so ugly… When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!”

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”

“I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.”

“What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

“I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.”

“I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.”

“I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.”

“I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.”

“A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."”

“I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.”

“I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”

“When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right."”

“My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.”

“There goes the neighborhood.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations — we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

“My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. ”

“I was so poor growing up…if I wasn't a boy…I'd have nothing to play with. ”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. ”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ”

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. ”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. ”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. ”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ”

“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. ”

“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. ”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. ”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”