Mindy Kaling Quotes

“I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes. A nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors.”

“Future hipsters will love me ironically.”

“Always Wear Flats and Have Your Friends Sleep Over: A Step-by-Step How-To Guide for Avoiding Getting Murdered”

“Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.”

“The truth is, it’s hard to get people to like you, but it’s even harder to keep people liking you.”

“All women love Colin Firth: Mr. Darcy, Mark Darcy, George VI—at this point he could play the Craigslist Killer and people would be like, 'Oh my God, the Craigslist Killer has the most boyish smile!”

“It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it's cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship.”

“And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don’t hate themselves. So that’s why you need to be a little bit brave.”

“As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.”

“Also, chubby people can never truly pull off ethereal the same way skinny people can never be jolly.”

“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.”

“Everyone has a moment when they discover they love Amy Poehler.”

“You should know I disagree with a lot of traditional advice. For instance, they say the best revenge is living well. I say it’s acid in the face—who will love them now?”

“In my mind, the sexiest thing in the world is the feeling that you’re wanted.”

“I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.”

“We never needed best friend gear because I guess with real friends you don't have to make it official. It just is.”

“If I’m at a party where I’m not enjoying myself, I will put some cookies in my jacket pocket and leave without saying good-bye.”

“I think when men hear that women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that's not it. It's a commitment to not floating around anywhere. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life.”

“Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.”

“There Has Ceased to Be a Difference Between My Awake Clothes and My Asleep Clothes”

“This book will take you two days to read. Did you even see the cover? It’s mostly pink. If you’re reading this book every night for months, something is not right.”

“Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. My opinion? Take care of revenge right away.”

“I just want ambitious teenagers to know it is totally fine to be quite, observant kids. Besides being a delight to your parents, you will find you have plenty of time later to catch up.”

“I will leave you with one last piece of advice, which is: If you’ve got it, flaunt it. And if you don’t got it? Flaunt it. ’Cause what are we even doing here if we’re not flaunting it?”

“if someone really wants to see you, they always find a way. Always.”

“The chorus of “Jack and Diane” is: Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone. Are you kidding me? The thrill of living was high school? Come on, Mr. Cougar Mellencamp. Get a life.”

“So I’m into men now, even though they can be frightening. I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying, non-Velcro-shoe-wearing man.”

“When smart people are nice, it's always terrifying, because I know they're taking in everything and thinking all kinds of smart and potentially judgmental things.”

“It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.”

“Maybe the point is that any marriage is work, but you may as well pick work that you like.”

“Even in my revenge fantasy where all I do is exercise, I can still do only twenty-five pull-ups. Pull-ups are tough, no joke.”

“the best kind of laughter is laughter born of a shared memory.”

“I am notorious for making impassioned speeches about things nobody cares about.”

“I would rather have someone read my diary than look at my iPod playlists.”

“A remarkable thing about me is that the time that elapses between a sad thought and a flood of tears is three or four seconds.”

“If it weren't for my imagination, I would weigh ten thousand pounds. This is because the only way I am able to exercise anymore is through a long and vivid revenge fantasy.”

“Listen, my body is attracted to your body but when you speak it makes my brain angry.”

“There are many teenage vampire books you could have purchased instead. I'm grateful you made this choice.”

“Why didn’t you talk about whether women are funny or not?

I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn’t.”

“I kind of killed it in college. You know that saying "big fish in a small pond"? At Dartmouth college, I was freakin' Jaws in a community swimming pool.”

“I can’t for the life of me not eat something that I want to eat. You know how if you turned on a faucet in your sink to wash your hands, the idea of leaving the bathroom without turning it off is insane? That’s how I am about ignoring delicious food.”

“That’s the one nice thing about being a dork about men: you can sometimes play it off as restrained and classy.”

“I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful.”

“If I gave my mother a knitted scarf she'd be worried I was wasting my time doing stupid stuff like knitting instead of school work. Presenting a homemade knitted object to my parents was actually like handing them a detailed backlog of my idleness.”

“I am the kind of person who, if my feelings are unrequited, can completely detach from someone emotionally if I simply put my mind to it.”

“Albums that remind me of my childhood happiness make me incredibly sad now.”

“I didn't completely forget how to be nice or feminine because I have a career.”

“That's what she said.”

“I guess nothing puts a damper on a one-night stand as much as your friend pointing out all the opportunities where you might have been killed.”

“You might also see that some of my playlists are simply two songs on repeat fifteen times, like I’m a psycho getting pumped up to murder the president.”

“I initially thought you were ugly, but then you walked closer to me and I realized you were pretty.”

“Confidence is just entitlement.”