Kathy Griffin Quotes

“It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!”

“I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.”

“I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!”

“I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.”

“I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God…. Hi!"”

“I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits…. and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!”

“Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!”

“I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"……the way Courtney Love is a "singer."”

“Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza.”

“I know you love her… you're gay and she's Celine Dion!”

“All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys [Afghani men] aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!”

“Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV.”

“She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.”

“So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this "Burka - NO"! "Burka - BAD!"”

“Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap).”

“Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!”

“People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.”

“Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!”

“I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be…ahm…. voluptuous!”

“I saw Larry King and he was interviewing Pam Anderson. And it was really fun because Pam Anderson…remember when Pam Anderson did her hepatitis tour? Remember when she got hepatitis and then she did a press tour about it, because she is very conscious of woman's issues, and she went on Larry King and she's talking about it. Oh, and by the way, she said she got it from Tommy Lee, which, of course, she did. And Tommy Lee said she got it from a door knob. And…I'm sure that's at least what she got from Tommy Lee. I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks before, I got crabs just from looking at him. So, anyway, she's talking a minute and then she had had her boobs reduced, you know, she keeps getting reduced and bigger and stuff. And then, Larry has the balls to say to her (imitating Larry King), "Aren't you afraid of that plastic surgery?"”

“Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle.”

“They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride… the first one… the boring one… the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"… I want the ride!”

“I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?”

“The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?"”

“(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually……. um….. retarded!”

“Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out?"”

“[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"…(looks puzzled)…. that's just everybody, right?”

“(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like "We don't know that song yet…. it's not even (on the radio)…go Diva…. I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to…I don't…??"”

“(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.”

“Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!”

“This thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!”

“If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas… it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.”

“(Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) "I don't lahk it." I go, "What's the matter, honey?" and she goes "I don't lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters." PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, "No, it's polenta" and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes "Pimento?" I said, "No, that's an olive. "Polenta"”

“Because Oprah would be like "DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???"”

“You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.”

“Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank…haaa haaa haaa haaa…heugen fleugen heugen fleugen…hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda…”

“She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house!"”

“When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it……….. and come back!”

“The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.”

“Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black……. I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life……”

“And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never!"”

“Alright, Macy Gray….. what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!”

“I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!”

“I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky."”

“And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.”

“We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??”

“I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!”

“So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)”

“I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!”

“(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom….. I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate.”

“(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.”

“I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.”

“(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off."”

“Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?"”

“Uma Thurman is there……. with her big bag of BS!”

“Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing… and she doesn't get bogged down in any…. ahm…singing!”

“I knew the minute I heard the "gay inhale". He literally goes "Diva, what are you doing here?". It was heaven! I found my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan! He plonks down next to me, puts the tray down, puts his gun down… he's like "Errghh, girl, I'm on graveyard tonight… I am a wreck… I'm exhausted… my roommates are all snoring, yee-ukk, they're pigs! Anyway, what's going on with Ben and J-Lo?"”

“The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess.”

“(About Oprah Winfrey) She's very thin now, she's very cranky….. and very hungry!”

“You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. That's the first time he's ever touched a woman.”

“(About Joe Jackson) First of all, he's sitting there with the pimp hat, and the tattooed drag queen eyebrows. Like maybe this whole time, he just has a separate drag character that he does at night………named La Toya!”

“Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.”

“I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!”

“Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!”