Karl Pilkington Quotes

page 2

“Who's the mental one here? Is it me, or everyone else?”

“Any problem solved is a new problem made.”

“I've never understood what pole dancing's about anyway. It's a waste of a good skill. Get into scaffolding or something.”

“You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go alright? Hows it going?. You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out.”

“…but it’s all about ‘a gorilla and a fox are walking thru the woods.’ How often does that happen?”

“Whoop, there's an elephant in the room”

“Well…like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again…”

“I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot”

“The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it.”

“(After chatting about the Serbian sex machine invention and Karl said 'Did it have to be a woman or could they have got a gay fella in - butt plugs and that')..”

“If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?”

“No it's one of them things though, imagine it.. if you're that caretaker and you're thinkin I've got away with this then suddenly a plant grasses you up.. you weren't expectin that.”

“People who live in a glass house have to answer the door - Karl invents his own phrase based on Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.”

“I've got a fat head. There's nothing I can do about it.”

“If you had 5 photos of anuses, I could not point mine out”

“We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.”

“Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen [What he would do with the power of invisibility]”

“Lamguage is a powerful thing init…er…”

“At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?”

“At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head.”

“I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm”

“I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it… Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for.”

“Karl: You've never been to China.”

“Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.”

“It's not going to change the world. But neither did the egg-cup.”

“That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.”

“I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?”

“From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!”

“On seeing an ultrasound picture- It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a dis.”

“(on cockroaches living without a head for a week) Why, when it was invented, has it got that facility?”

“This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it”

“Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.”

“If there's one thing we haven't cracked yet in human civilsation, we've never been able to make a good wig. I wouldn't want a wig on me.”

“Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?”

“On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella.”

“Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.”

“Karl's diary - Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, Did I tell you about the immune system? Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, Not now.”

“On dopplegangers - How would I know which one I was?”

“So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?”

“The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching.”

“Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.”

“Talking about being in heaven- It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff.”

“What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?”

“It's just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didnt have a date you'd have to do everythin' straight away”

“(On fun-sized chocolates) I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off”

“I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut”

“You won't get anything done by planning.”

“If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about. - Karl interprets the phrase Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.”

“As long as you're rememberin' baby Jesus, does it matter when you're rememberin' 'im[Karl on how he hates Christmas being the same date each year]”