Karl Pilkington: Trending quotes

“All I'm saying is that old people need to be old people. You need oldness. You need to see old people. You need to go Right, they might have a solution they've been on the earth longer. Quick, we need an answer. How old are yer?”

“It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that.”

“The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?”

“[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water.”

“I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.”

“They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”

“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.”

“I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.”

“The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.”

“The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos… but we never saw his wife.”

“I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book”

“She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?”

“I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.”

“On chameleons - Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe.”

“It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.”

“I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.”

“On dopplegangers - No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger.”

“I could eat a knob at night.”

“Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman.”