Karl Pilkington Quotes

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“I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it, sick-of-it”

“My brain's just full of passwords”

“At some point, somethin has had it away with a leaf [Karl's explanation of an insect which has evolved to look like a leaf to protect itself from predators]”

“And whilst the lizard’s having a kip, the scorpion says, ‘Tell ya what: I’ll do you a little deal…”

“A dog has got human eyes.”

“(On Ricky asking him to do a diary next year)No I wouldn't, you know, cos you do the same stuff ever year don't ya? It's set up the same way: January, February it's the same thing, it's the same routine”

“You know that guy Richard Blackwood? He went in for a colonic, live TV. Never seen again.”

“You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.”

“He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off.”

“Get married, get on with it, email us the pictures, we're happy to have a look.”

“Is there anyone else that you look like, Steve, or would you say you're a bit of a one-off?”

“If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing”

“Whats good with a holiday right.. say if you work in a factory from 8 in the morning till 8 at night, packin socks into a rubber bag right.. between 8 and.. what time did i say he finishes?”

“Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?”

“That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it; December 25th”

“Karl's Diary - Read about a pub which is gettin' some stick 'cause its stopped a horse goin' in. Its been the horse' regular for ages, but some new owners have taken over the pub and they said they're servin' fresh food and don't want a horse in there anymore”

“On identical twins - You always get a little snidey one.”

“On homosexuals- I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that - Video Podcast|Video Podcast 5”

“Karl: I came up with a good idea…. see through skin”

“I'm just sayin', I don't like fun”

“Well, you took me to the BAFTAs. Yeah, but only cos no-one else would probably wanna go with you.”

“If that was on my road the council would be like "Get that down, its a deathtrap!"”

“But hummus. When did that happen?…but there's a restaurant down the road that that's all they do. That is isn't a proper meal, that's a side-order innit? That's like having a restaurant just floggin' tomato ketchup. Hummus isn't a meal. They don't even try and kid ya to get you in to flog you just hummus, they actually say Oh it's hummus today. Not gonna work, they shut down within a month.”

“The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.”

“It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating”

“If anythin', like I said, he didn't do us a favour, he saved too much. You can't move out there for stuff (Referring to Noah saving every animal)”

“On cutting open avocados- It's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.”

“A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever - Another re-evaluation by Karl of the phrase 'A stitch in time saves nine”

“Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island…from the rough bit…”

“I think some bacteria have better lives than that [Karls interpretation on the life of an innuit]”

“Like I say, the first time I saw Steve I was never havin' a go, it was just, 'oh that's different' but you know, Steve, I was never havin' a go, it's just that thing, 'oh right interesting”

“They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?”

“If I was Noah, I would have gone, Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown, have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin”

“Flies used to be happy-go-lucky, on their own; the sun’s out, have a fly about. Now, there’s little attacks going on.”

“I'm surprised that I won the race to the egg. I'm not a good swimmer. If I was back in there now I'd go forget it, let them lot go first.”

“We're just a weed in the universe”

“What do dogs do? Sniff each other's arse. They don't knock about going "Let's try a chatup line."”

“All I'm sayin is.. I've since found out what they do do with 'em.. and if they do do that with them.. give 'em a go on that.”

“Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!”

“I'm really happy, I just don't choose to show it.”

“It serves a purpose.”

“Could the world fall?”

“Were you a tall baby?”

“On seeing an ultrasound picture- It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God.'”