Jay London Quotes

“It'll be over soon, miss.”

“It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.”

“People read me but they don't subscribe.”

“I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.”

“After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.”

“I saw a stationery store move.”

“Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke.”

“Did you know it was a year ago today?”

“I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me."”

“I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”

“I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.”

“I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.”

“Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?”

“(In a tone suggesting a reference to his upbringing) I was brought up on charges.”

“I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.”

“I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.”

“My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.”

“I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.”

“People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.”

“I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.”

“I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"”

“I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy)”

“My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.”

“I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.”

“I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.”

“You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.”

“I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.”

“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”

“I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.”

“I'm addicted to prescription glasses.”

“Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.”

“My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.”

“A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.”

“I go around slashing tire prices.”

“I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.”

“Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.”

“At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?”

“I was born nine months premature.”

“My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.”

“So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)”

“I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.”

“A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.”

“I model irregular clothing.”

“You know what burns me? Matches.”

“I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.”

“Take my life, please.”

“Am I bothering you, miss?”