Craig Ferguson Quotes

“The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.”

“I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.”

“People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.”

“I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”

“Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.”

“If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.”

“I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”

“I'm always a bit shy around evil people…”

“Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”

“[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters…”

“I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.”

“By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times.”

“Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?”

“Time is only linear for engineers and referees.”

“High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast.”

“In 1963 the BBC premiered a show about an alien
Who traveled through space and time to combat the powers of evil.”

“Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!”

“…. maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”

“I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.”

“Between safety and adventure I choose adventure.”

“You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry”

“If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.”

“Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.”

“Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.”

“Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.”

“Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.”

“I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.”

“Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”

“I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.”

“Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”

“Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.”

“When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.”

“Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012”

“I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.”

“I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.”

“I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.

Whoever I had become had to die.”

“It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”

“She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.

I do have a knack for finding great women.”

“Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.”

“I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.”

“You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.”

“Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.”

“Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.”

“If you don't vote, you're a moron.”

“Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.”

“I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction… And the only customer.”

“It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment].”

“[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera.”

“Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.”

“America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream.”

“Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.”

“Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.”

“I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.”

“Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.”

“The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.”

“Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.”

“Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.”

“I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.”

“[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.”

“That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.”

“He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him.”

“Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.”

“You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!”

“[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.”

“It's a great day for America, everybody.”