“[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
Craig Ferguson:
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Craig Ferguson Quotes
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
“Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.”
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
Because you're one of my writers!
2009-04-03 broadcast
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under.”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), "By the way…" variations
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“Welcome back, my naughty monkeys.”
whipcrack
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), "Welcome Back" variations
Variant: Welcome back, my frisky badgers
On Clive Barker pretending to be Tom Cruise.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
Off-topic discussion about Clive Barker's pants.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies.”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
“[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!”
2009-05-15 broadcast
The audience had collectively went "Aw…", expressing disappointment.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.”
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
“"Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] …I used to dance under that name.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“I can't live by your rules, man!”
citation needed
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
“Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!”
On Smokey Bear
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“Welcome back, my filthy pigeons.”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), "Welcome Back" variations
“Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
“Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), "Welcome Back" variations
“Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.”
On the creation of St. Valentine's Day. (14 February 2010)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.”
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
“Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.”
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
“Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.”
American on Purpose (2009)
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
“You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
During the final episode, the ending of the classic sitcom Newhart was spoofed here; Craig, in his role as Nigel Wick from The Drew Carey Show, wakes up next to Drew and discovers his entire stint as host of the Late Late Show was all a bad dream.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
“[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____.”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
“I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.”
25 Feb 2011
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
On French people
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014)
“By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks.”
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), "By the way…" variations
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), "Welcome Back" variations
Between the Bridge and the River (2006)
citation needed
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), Commonly repeated
Couple Thinkers (2017)
