“One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I want. To help my girlfriend get her old boyfriend back.”

“First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend”

“Because one does not want to be disturbed, to be made uncertain, he establishes a pattern of conduct, of thought, a pattern of relationship to man etc. Then he becomes a slave to the patter and takes the pattern to be the real thing.”

“To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend… I suppose I ought to have realize it’s ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship.”

“Your boyfriends might be angry, my girlfriends might be blue. But no one can deny it, from now on I love you.”

“When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy." Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby." And that's how life is decided in America.”

“My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.”

“I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."”