Steven Wright Quotes

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

“Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal… The wings are knocking people over…”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”

“What's another word for thesaurus?”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”

“A metaphor is like a simile.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”