Steven Wright: Trending quotes

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”