Steven Wright Quotes

page 2

“What is the speed of dark?”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

“You can't have everything… where would you put it?”

“Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…”

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

“How can there be self-help groups?”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”