1. Quotes
  2. Authors
  3. Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes
page 2

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsense jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Wright was ranked as the twenty-third greatest comedian by Comedy Central in a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics. He was awarded the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for his 1988 short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings.

✵ 6. December 1955
Steven Wright photo
Steven Wright: 178 quotes14 likes

Steven Wright Quotes

“What is the speed of dark?”

Steven Wright

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

Steven Wright

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

Steven Wright

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

Steven Wright

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

Steven Wright

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

Steven Wright

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

Steven Wright

“You can't have everything… where would you put it?”

Steven Wright

“Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said”

Steven Wright

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…”

Steven Wright

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?”

Steven Wright

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

Steven Wright

“I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Special (1985)

“What a nice night for an evening.”

Steven Wright

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

Steven Wright

“How young can you die of old age?”

Steven Wright

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

Steven Wright

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.”

Steven Wright

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

Steven Wright

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

Steven Wright

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

Steven Wright

“How can there be self-help groups?”

Steven Wright

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”

Steven Wright

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

Steven Wright

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

Steven Wright

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

Steven Wright

Variant: Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.